Friday, 31 December 2010

Friday 31st December 2010

Well it's been a long time.

Christmas has been and gone and New Year's Eve is upon us.

I went shopping in Tesco today, in the 'Seasonal' aisle they had the leftover Christmas shit that no one wanted, the cheaper crackers that have fortune fish and pencil tops in them, value brand Christmas puddings and the like, but on the other side of the aisle they had Easter Eggs.

I shit you not, fucking Easter Eggs.

OK, so Christmas is over (just) but it's not even New bastard Year yet, get a grip Tesco, for fuck sake.

Still I suppose the other supermarkets have done it and if any of them were to display their Easter confectionary any later than New Year's Eve then they may lose out on untold squillions in revenue.

Also I suppose they could be doing someone a favour.
Anyone who has run out of Christmas chocolate, after all Easter chocolate bunnies taste differently to Christmas Santas don't they???

I was walking my dog tonight.
Well, she was walking herself but I was escorting her (you know what I mean) and I saw an orange light in the sky.

Turns out it was a Chinese Lantern.
Quite pretty really.
A bit lonely, as there was only one, but pretty none the less.

It got me thinking, if loads of people send these Chinese Lanterns into the sky tonight it would look really good.
But how high do they go?
And what happens to them when the flame goes out.

If an aeroplane pilot flew his plane into a sea of the things would he shit himself and maybe crash the plane?
Would they potentially get caught in the engines and make the plane crash regardless of if the pilot shits himself or not?
Would the pilot be blinded by the beauty of the things, and become transfixed by the many lights and crash the plane?

There seems to be a recurring theme to the possibilities above, an underlying theme of planes crashing, which brought me to one conclusion:


They should be banned, but I don't blame the chinese, it probably isn't their fault.

I had to pick up my dog's shit whilst I was out, not that nice but as I am a responsible owner I feel it is my duty.
Picking up dog shit is like changing a baby's nappy, it's ok if it's your dog (in the case of the dog shit) or baby (in the case of the nappy) but you feel uneasy with someone else's.

I would put up a picture to illustrate my last point, but that would be shit.

What if you put the dog shit into the basket of a Chinese Lantern.............?

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Sunday 14th November 2010

School Reunions, are they a good thing or a bad thing???

I went to a school reunion last night, it was a twenty-five year reunion so I sort of guessed that a lot of people would have changed in the quarter century since we were at school.

It was held in the local football club clubhouse and was due to start at seven o'clock.
Well I didn't want to get there too early, so I went to the pub and watched a bit of the footy on the tele.
That was quite good as Liverpool got beat 2-0.

Anyway, at about eight I made my way to the football club and couldn't believe it when I walked in and saw only one person I recognised, and he had lost a hell of a lot of weight so I could have been mistaken had he not made a comment about my shoes being the same as my old school shoes.

I suppose they were in a way, except that my old school shoes were black and had laces on the sides whilst the ones I was wearing last night were blue with laces on the top (like most shoes do).

As the night went on and more and more people arrived it was interesting to see that some appeared to have aged well and some not so well. Some had aged pretty damn badly as it goes, but then some people can't be as lucky as others I suppose.
Some people were looking good and some not so.

I began to realise that, although I thought I recognised a lot of the people's faces I couldn't actually remember of any of their names.
Funnily enough, no one semed to recognise me either, which led to some very interesting chats, including one with a girl who 'reminded' me that we went to college on the same bus together 24 years ago. Strangely, I didn't remember this.

As the night went on and more and more alcohol was consumed, so more and more people seemed to remember who I was, but as I wasn't drinking my memory wasn't getting better as the evening went by.

It wasn't until the 'do' was nearly over that the first person I saw when I arrived, and the only person I really remembered, asked me why I hadn't gone to our own school reunion as he was only at this one, for the other school, because of his wife.............

Friday, 12 November 2010

Friday 12th November

Wind is a funny thing really.
You can feel it and you can see the effects of it, but you can't see it.

Wind is a kind of energy, which is something that other scientists seem to have taken years to realise.
This is the reason we are only now seeing wind turbines sprouting up everywhere, because so-called scientists have realised that the wind can be harnessed, like a horse, and converted into electricity.
Don't ask me how that bit is done, when I invented the wind turbine and erected the first one on my garden about thirty five years ago, I got Dave the Sparky to wire it up.
It's great, the way Dave wired it up means that even when there is no wind it still keeps a-turning.

Anyway, the earliest form of wind power came from kites.

Kite have the ability to convert wind power into electricity and pass it throught the kite holders body and into the ground where it can be shared.

I found this out one evening in October when I was flying my HQ Infinity Lightwind and it got a bit close to some overhead power cables.
A funny thing happened, the wind speed seemed to increase as the kite hit the cables and the surge of electricity was remarkable.

Formula One designers know all about converting wind into energy.
It is a well known fact amongst the F1 fraternity that the teams that spent the most time in the wind tunnel were the teams that did the best.
This isn't because they get more testing done, oh no, it is because the longer the car stays in the wind tunnel the more energy goes into it and therefore it will go faster.

If you are driving in your car at 100mph, is the car full of wind, as the air in the car will be travelling at 100mph as well.
The weatherman on Sky said last night that 'Severe' winds of 80mph would be experienced over the UK overnight.
Well when I am in my car and I am travelling at 100mph then I am experiencing faster winds than your 'severe' winds matey and I don't get blown over.

And before you clever ones say that the wind in the car is not wind because it is a sealed container, well I have a convertible and the roof does not work so I have to drive everywhere with it down.

People often say that the oceans tides are governed by the phases of the moon.
This is poppycock, it is the wind that governs the tides.
When it is windier the tides go in and out faster, but I'll cover this when I write about Oceans and the Moon.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Tuesday 12th October 2010

Slow Cookers could well be the thing of the future.

One day, every house will have at least one, with some having more.
Some houses will even have one in every room, but only those houses owned by extremely extravagent people.

The things you can do in them is virtually limitless, if you put your mind to it.
There is simply nothing you can't cook, and I bet Jamie Oliver wouldn't be able to compete either.

Start in the kitchen but don't just cook caseroles in it, be adventurous.

Try slow cooked cheese on toast, the cheese will melt like nothing you have ever had before.
Or spaghetti bolognese. You could use tinned tomatoes, that Dolmio stuff in a jar, or for an extra special treat, fresh tomatoes and just cook that little bit longer.
If you want to slow cook the pasta, then you have two options.
Either use a second slow cooker, or simply chuck it in with the sauce.
Either way, you will have to break it in half to get it in, unless you have a massive one.

Get a slow cooker for the bedroom, forget the Teasmaid.
Put a teabag and a cup of water in it and plug it in before you go to bed.
When you wake up in the morning you may well have the best cup of tea you have ever had.
Don't try it with coffee though, cause coffee boiled is coffee spoiled.

If you cook a meal that has a nice sauce, don't bother washing your slow cooker out as this will be the ideal base for your next meal.
If it was nice the night before, it will be better the day after.
If you are worried about the health and safety aspect, then leave your slow cooker on real low and keep it bubbling.

For the best roast chicken ever cooked, keep your slow cooker on extra slow and place a fresh egg inside, free range is best.
After the first couple of days, keep checking the egg every day or so but be careful not to open the slow cooker to much during the middle of the cooking time or you may have an escapee on your hands, but keep checking and it will just be a matter of time until your roast chicken, succulent and tasty, will be ready.

If you have enough slow cookers, say four or five, then you could slow cook a whole Sunday Roast.

Netto have incredible deals on at the moment, but other budget supermarkets are available.

Jimmy the Double has one, why don't you get one too?

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Sunday 10th October 2010

Trees are everywhere.

Most people think they are wonderful things. In fact there are some who go around hugging them.

Can you believe that? People hugging trees, real life trees, being hugged by proper people? Bloody Tree Huggers.

They stand there, all majestic, and wave their arms around, but I think they are more sinister.
They must be doing SOMETHING I once thought to myself, so I thought a little bit more, and I have discovered the truth.

The trees are taking over the world and are preparing to destroy it.
A sort of Arboretum of Death if you like.

What they do, you see, is they stand there with their feet in the ground and they make their feet grow and grow and grow so they are longer and longer.
In some cases the feet can be hundreds of feet long, in the case of really big trees.

In fact, the taller the tree then the longer the feet.

When I say feet, this is, of course, the correct term for what most people call roots.
Roots is the modern, Anglo-Saxon name.

Whilst appearing serene above the surface, the trees are working extremely hard below the surface absorbing water.
Now most people think they are doing this to enable themselves to grow and even encourage it, but in reality they are sucking the Earth dry, determined to cause total drought across the whole of the planet.

Global warming has nothing to do with CFCs, aerosols or leaded petrol but it is the trees that are killing the planet.

Eco-warriers are determined to prevent the felling of trees, without planting fourteen new saplings for every mature tree chopped, but they don't realise that they are actually aiding the destruction of the very planet on which they live.

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Thursday 7th October 2010

Dogs, whilst generally a friendly bunch, are, in essence, wild animals.
All sorts of dogs are available, in different colours and sizes, however the ones that are best for most people depend on differing factors, such as house size and stuff.

More interestingly is the way in which different breeds of dog communicate with each other.

Whilst walking my dog, a black and brindle Staffordshire Bull Terrier, the other morning we met with a Golden Retriever and it's owner.
It may have been a Golden Labrador, but I couldn't tell as it was quite dark at the time and the Golden dog was only a puppy therefore didn't shine as much as a, say, five year old dog would.

Anyway, I digress. The dogs immediately set about sniffing each other, first their noses then their nether regions.

I knew there was no cause for alarm in the mating department as both dogs were bitches (a contradiction there, but you know what I mean, don't you??) but I really hoped neither was a lesbian bitch.
I knew mine wasn't.

Or did I?

Then they started prancing around together.
I thought they were playing, they certainly weren't fighting, but it made me think, were they communicating?

I think they were.

I think the whole ritual was a form of communication, obviously a canine form of communication as both dogs, which we have established are, in fact, bitches, are canines and always have been.

I was amazed at how they could understand each other, as they were of different nationality, but perhaps they are a more intelligent species than we ever thought.

They were originally discovered by Cook you know.
He was exploring China and found some wild ones near the wall, wandering around lost so he took them home to Brighton and bred them.
Not many people know that, but I digress again.

So the two dogs had a good old sniff and a prance and then went off to play.

Not once did they bark at each other.

Most people think that barking is the way dogs, and bitches, communicate but I think it isn't.

The truth, as far as I am concerned, is that the real communication is what I have described above and when a dog barks it is taking part in a big fat canine joke against the human race.

Each dog knows this, having been taught at an early age by it's mother, no matter what nationality they are.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Monday 4th October 2010

I went for a walk with a blind friend of mine at the weekend.
It was one of these 'Orienteering' things, where you are dropped off in the middle of no-where with a map and a compass and you have to find your own way back.

I bet you are thinking to yourself, "dropped off in the middle of no-where with a map, a compass and a blind man? What a twat!!"

But it was no ordinary map we had.
It was a braile map, a map for blind people.
A map so that even when blind people cannot see where they are going and don't know where they are, they can still find their way home.

So the plan was, I would do the compass thing and my blind friend would read the map.

All was going well and we seemed to be making real progress, save for the countless times the blind man fell over stuff.
Some of the time I could have warned him, but it seemed more fun at the time just to let him trip.
But then disaster struck.
And disaster came in the form of lunch.

We had been orienteering for a couple of hours and were certain that it wouldn't be long before we would see civilisation again (well I would, obviously he wouldn't) so we decided to stop for a bite to eat.

I had some very nice Tuna mayonaise with sweetcorn and just the smallest dash of chilli sauce to give it a nice kick, and I had it in a crusty cob which was fresh that morning.
The daft blind one had crackers, cheese and crisps.
He had a peculiar appetite this one, but I thought it couldn't hurt.

Once we finished our respective meals and washed them down our drinks of choice, we set off again.

It wasn't long before I realised that instead of getting closer to the end of the trek, we appeared to be returning to our starting point, but in a very roundabout sort of way.

"Are we following that map?" I kept asking.
"To the step." came the reply, everytime.

After walking for a further six hours, but getting nowhere, I grabbed the map of the stupid blind man only to realise that all the crackers and crisps consumed earlier had resulted in crumbs being dropped on the braile map thus confusing the man's fingers into thinking we were going the right way whilst being led on a merry dance through the forest.

Gawd knows how these blind people ever get round to reading a book.
Without eating I would guess...............

Saturday, 2 October 2010

Saturday 2nd October 2010

You see these adverts dotted around the page then please feel free to click on them.
Even if you don't want anything, or are not sure if you do or not, then have a click anyway.
You may even find something you like and never knew you wanted.

There is no particular reason for me to say this other than the fact that I get money every time you do so.
Google probably do too, and the people who place the adverts must get something out of it, but I don't really give a shit about them, I'm just interested in myself.

If, for any reason, you particularly do not like the adverts on this page, if they really offend you for any reason, then please let me know.
Post a comment telling me what adverts you want to see and I'll see if I can get them.

It's not that I have any influence in the advertising department, but they tell me that the adverts are relevant to whatever I write, so if you tell me what advert you want, I'll write something relevant to try and get the adverts.

And you never know, if I make enough money, I may even share it around.............

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Tuesday 21st September 2010

Makes me laugh really.
Gordon Ramsey telling Indian chefs how difficult some Indian dishes are to cook.
Don't you think they fucking know, Ramsey?
They cook it every day.
Sanctimonious prick.

Today included hundreds of sweaty people crammed into a very small space, all of them making a point of ignoring one another.
No eye contact.
No this wasn't an episode of Ramsey's Best Restaurant, I've given him enough space on my blog, this was my day in London and the luxurious public transport system we affectionately call 'The tube'.

If travelling on this germ infested mode of transport is not bad enough, you get back to the surface again and there is nothing but pollution and more people ignoring each other.

I was glad to get back to the sticks.

Does caramel have a very low freezing point?
I only ask because I had some Ben and Jerry's "Chew Chew Caramel" ice cream tonight.
It had pieces of caramel covered in chocolate in it.
And the caramel was chewy, even though it had been immersed in extremely cold ice cream for god knows how long.
Anyway, I suppose if it wasn't chewy then they wouldn't be able to call it "Caramel Chew Chew" could they?
More like Caramel Hard Lumpy Bits, and that wouldn't be the same.

Would it?

I think I'm becoming addicted to Ben & Jerry.............

Monday, 20 September 2010

Monday 20th September 2010

I went to prison today.
Not to get locked up, my sentence is suspended, nor was it to visit one of the inmates.
It was quite boring really, I had a meeting there, in the Midlands.
When I say 'quite boring', actually mean really fucking boring.
To make it even worse I am going to another prison on Thursday, this time in Scotland.
It's like a pub crawl, but with prisons.
And no beer.
And miles from home.
And miles apart, in different countries even.
And without your mates.

Still, off to London tomorrow.
The big smoke.

I thought that, what with all the driving I've been doing recently, I would treat myself and catch the train.
No driving, only an hour and 45 minutes travel and I could do a bit of work on the way.


Thieving gypsy bastards.

At least Robin Hood had the decency to wear a mask.
Or was it a hood?

Robin Mask doesn't have the same ring to it really.

Anyway, safe to say I shall be driving again tomorrow.
I feel like the car is a part of me, I just have to work out which part.

Costa coffee outlets in service stations apologise for not accepting Costa coffee reward cards.
You ain't sorry, you cunts, if you were that bothered you would get it sorted out.
If I didn't hate Starbucks so much I would go there.

I keep getting reminders from Tesco telling me I haven't spent my Clubcard vouchers.

I seem to be shouting a lot tonight.

They must know I haven't received them cause they keep showing up on my receipts.
I've got about 45000 now.

It's the same with Nectar points.
I keep saving them but I never spend them.

Still it's something to leave in my will I suppose.
"Local Man Dies, Children Loyalty Millionaires Overnight"

Anyone nicks that idea and I'll hunt them down.

Got it.............?

Friday, 17 September 2010

Friday 17th September 2010

I had some Ben & Jerry's 'Baked Alaska' ice cream tonight and very nice it was too.
I was slightly disappointed though as it said on the tub that it had marshmallow swirls and white polar bears in Vanilla ice cream.

Well, the vanilla ice cream was very nice, as were the polar bears, but I didn't notice any marshmallow swirls.

Maybe they were there but were overpowered by the creamy vanilla.
Or maybe the polar bears ate it all.

It's a bit cruel as well, the polar bears I mean.
They were so small they must have been shrunken to get them all in.

Unless David Attenborough has been using trick photography all these years.
And zoos use magnifying glass.

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Thursday 16th September 2010

Driving home today I noticed my Sat-Nav was telling me that I had 1 hour and 35 minutes driving time before I got home.
That meant I was going to get home at eight o'clock as it was twenty five past six.

After thirty five minutes, or in other words seven o'clock, the sat-nav told me that I had 45 minutes to go meaning that I would be home at quarter to eight.

That means that in thirty five minutes, fifteen minutes disappeared.
I spent the rest of the journey trying to work out if I had lost 15 minutes, gained 15 minutes or invented a time travel machine.
I got home at twenty to eight, either losing or gaining another five minutes.

I drive approximately 40,000 miles a year, so I am really hoping that I have either invented said time machine or I am gaining time cause that would be an awful lot of time to lose.
I'll have to work it out sometime, but not now.

Does it also mean that if I drive fast enough that I would, in theory (or maybe even in reality), arrive before I left?
In the same vein, as Ussain Bolt keeps breaking the World record for running from one end to the other, will he get down to about one second eventually?
Maybe he will be passing finish line before the rest leave the blocks.

Who knows.............

Monday, 13 September 2010

Monday 13th September 2010

Don't you just love it when someone tries to do something that they haven't done in a long time and can't remember how to do it?

For example, log into a website that hasn't been used for ages and try to remember the login name, password and email address last used.

"Fucking shit, why won't it let me spell it like that?"

"Fucking thing, it's sent a confirmation email to the address I don't fucking use any more."

"How can it do that?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, it won't let me do it"

"What the fuck is going on?"

All the above in a broad Bristol accent, broader than usual, exagerated by annoyance.

And all the above for a crap website to listen to a third rate team play third rate football.


Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Wednesday 8th September 2010

I've been thinking...

A couple of posts ago I said that we could all be living on a speck of dirt under the finger nail of a giant woman.
Well, whilst this could be true, I have thought of a more plausible idea.

We could be living in the mind of someone.
All our lives could just be the thoughts of one person, and as long as that person keeps thinking, we keep living.

They say that if the age of the earth is looked at in terms of human age then the world is about twenty two days old.
That's from conception, through pre-history, through history, past Jesus Christ, all the wars and to now.

Well that could be said also for the idea of the whole world existing in the mind of a person.

But what kind of person would it be.
I would be impossible to say, because as I am part of the world that is living in this mind, then my mind is ultimately controlled by the mind of the person we are living inside.

Some people believe in fate, some people believe in a god, however it could be that these people all believe in the same the thing because the mind that we live in would be God and fate all rolled into one.

God is omnipotent, regardless of which god you believe in.
The persons mind would be omnipotent by default as because we are INSIDE the mind, then the mind is all encompassing.
Fate is something that determines our future, well this one is obvious, the mind we live in would obviously determine our future because whatever it thinks, we do.

So there you go.
It's not God, or a god, or fate.
Well it is, but not how you think.
Well ultimately it is how you think, as it is how it thinks that determines how we think.

People who claim to hear voices in their head don't really hear voices in THEIR head, they hear voices coming from THE head.
So they are not really mad, not unless someone has annoyed them, anyway.
And I mean another someone like you or I, not another person from like the person who owns the mind we live in.

I wonder if we can hear other people that live in the world of the person whose mind we live in?
I'll ponder on this and maybe do a follow up post...

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Tuesday 7th September 2010

Did you know you can get dominoes for the blind.

They have raised spots, as opposed to indented ones, and a special raised bit on the blanks so the visually impaired know what's what.

The big question is, of course, how can they tell what is on the table.
I mean it would be easy enough to feel what dominoes you have in your hand but the dominoes on the table would get in a right mess, wouldn't they?

Still, I suppose you can't discriminate, can you.............

Monday, 6 September 2010

Monday 6th September 2010

Bingo Shmingo.

Got a broadband wifi thing delivered today.
Up til now I've had to make do with my phone, and it's a very nice phone and all with swype text and everything, but it ain't a computer.
So I get a wifi broadband thing and it was with the neighbours when I get home from work.
The kettle goes on, the box gets unwrapped and I'm like a kid at Christmas.
It's all set up and I'm online, then the missus gets home and I'm back on me phone and she's playing bingo.
I ask you.

Still, the swype text on me phone petty cool.
God knows how it works, I just slide my finger over the screen and it puts the words in the box.
There is either a very small person inside my phone or a camera trained on my every move and an extremely fast typist typing as I swype away.
I can't think what else it could be, but I can't decide which one it is as they both sound pretty plausible.

If someone invented an engine that ran on water, it wouldn't be as good an idea as they, or you, might think.
Yeah it would be as cheap as chips, well cheaper seeing the fucking price of chips these days; over ten bastard quid for two fish and frigging chips, but what would happen in the summer?
When we all have a hosepipe ban you wouldn't be able to fill up your car.
Unless you used a bucket but then you would spill most of it.
Water touts would make a killing.
And you wouldn't be able to sell water fueled cars in places like Africa, it just wouldn't be right.

Thinking about it, in places where water is extremely rare, places where drinking water is scarce and small children have to walk miles with jugs on their heads, why don't we just make some?
It can't be that hard can it?
Water is just made up of Hydrogen and Oxygen.
Why not throw some of this in the air and let it rain.

Imagine the rainbows.

Butter is no good on a burn and salted butter burns.
If you put salted butter on a burn would they cancel each other out?
Would the salt burn thus rendering your burning skin superfluous?
They say two wrongs don't make a right, even if three lefts do, but do two negatives make a positive or do opposites attract chalk and cheese?

Sunday, 5 September 2010

Sunday 5th September 2010 part 2

um bongo um bongo they drink it in the congo.

Now I've never been to the Congo, but I think I would bet my bottom dollar that they have never drunk um bongo.
Never even heard of it I shouldn't doubt.

It's all gorillas and stuff, why would they want um bongo?
I bet they'd rather have a nice cup of tea.
Or coffee.

What happens to the rest of the tea leaves if only the tips are used?
Or is it just PG that use the tips and everyone else use the other parts of the leaves?
Do PG buy the whole leaf and use what they want and sell the rest?
And do they make money doing it or just break even?

So many questions, so few answers.
If you know, please spill the beans.
Coffee, baked or otherwise.
Leave a comment if you like, let me know.

Same thing for Nescafe original and Nescafe Gold.
Which is really better and what's the real difference?

If there is anyone who works for Nescafe reading this please tell....

Sunday 5th September 2010

I went to a wedding do last night and it was invaded by aliens.
Nothing to do with the bride and groom, they were both normal, perfectly nice people, but aliens invaded all the same.

I was just sitting there, drinking my J2o, when I saw them.
There were about thirty of them.
They didn't land or any thing like that, they just sort of hovered below the ceiling.
Quite sinister really.

I was mixing my drinks last night too.
I started on J2o, went onto coffee and finished up on Appletizer.
I'm such a rebel, I don't know how I cope with myself.

Nobody fell over, which was nice, but there was a kinder egg involved in some form throughout the night.

They say penguins can't look up, whoever "they" are.
D'you think this is because they spend so much time looking down at the eggs balanced precariously on their feet that their neck muscles can only bend one way?

At the end of the night, all the aliens turned on all their lights simultaneously.
But they didn't fly off and I think they may still be there.

Someone should be told.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Friday 3rd September 2010

My grass needs cutting.
Why can't someone invent self cutting grass?
Or cannibalistic grass.
Grass that eats itself.
It would save people a lot of time and make the world a nicer place to live in. You wouldn't get all these wankers leaving their grass to get too long and all untidy.
Like me.

I see Steven Hawking created the universe.
I didn't realise he was that old.
I suppose if you can pull off a stunt like making a World, full of living things and everything, then you probably know a few tricks on skin rejuvenation.

Still, if he did do it, and he's a clever bloke so I have no reason to doubt him, then we probably owe him a big thank you.
There are things he could have done better, but maybe he did a lot of the work before he perfected his electronic talk box thing.
It must have been hard for the builders to understand him without THAT marvellous piece of technology.

Conkers will be out soon.
I wonder if the health and safety brigade have banned them yet.
Tossers, we didn't need gloves and goggles when I was a young boy and used to play conkers at school.
Mind you I suppose gloves may have stopped all those bruises and maybe even helped to prevent the broken fingers.
And I suppose you could say that if I had worn goggles I may still have both eyes.

I wonder if Steven Hawking's brother, Justin, had anything to do with the creation of the Universe.
He probably invented darkness.............

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Thursday 2nd September 2010

I have come to the conclusion that crazy golf is not all that crazy.
It should be re-named scenic golf or something.
I mean, what's crazy about a windmill and a few slopes?

Why not play it with water filled balloons that you have to hit with baguettes and have electric fences around each hole so if your balloon burst it would electrocute you.
Forget that last bit, that would be electric golf.

Baguettes and balloons are a good start though.
You would have to play with an eye patch on and zombies dressed in floral print dresses would chase you shouting insults at you every time you hit the balloon.
With the baguette.

If very tall people play ordinary golf, do they call it mini golf.
Just like tiny people would play maxi golf.

Or giant golf.
Giant golf for dwarves.

I've got a bit of a dwarf/giant thing still going on from last night, I think.

Same as Mars bars.
Do giants eat the big Mars bars thinking they are normal and the standard ones thinking they are mini bars?
They couldn't even find the fun size ones, not even if they knew they existed.

And dwarves, do dwarves eat fun sized bars thinking they are normal, and normal thinking they are the big ones and the big ones; well these are things only for fat greedy dwarves to dream about.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Wednesday 1st September 2010

Two fat ladies, eighty-eight.

So is there life on a distant planet?
How will we ever know?
Unless of course there is a galaxy beyond outer space that sort of replicates ours.
I say sort of cause it may be like ours but different.
It could be better, it could be worse.

It could be a world inhabited by giant woman and dwarf males.
The dwarves, however, would be the dominant species, having total control over their own, and their women's, destinies.

At least they would whilst they were in the pub with their mates and there were no women around.

Wobble wobble.

How does anyone know that the world we live in is not just a speck of dirt under the little finger nails of one of the giant woman?
The nail could be what we think is the ozone layer, the layer that protects us.
It rains every time the giant woman washes her hands and the faster she walks and swings her arms, the stronger the wind blows.

Thank you wobblers.

The downside is, of course, that one day the giant woman is going to go for a manicure and we will all perish.

Unless our speck of dirt is luckier than most and miraculously lands in the ear of a dog, or other household pet.

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Tuesday 31st August 2010

I was in Somerset at the weekend and I saw a sign for 'Pig & Donkey Races'.
Now if that wasn't bizarre enough, these races were being held on every Tuesday between July 27th and August 31th.

Yep, that's right, the 31th of August.

I had to get a running machine treadmill thing from my car into my house tonight.
It doesn't matter which door I use, I have three steps to climb to get in.
Fuck me those things are heavy.
Anyway, struggle to get it up to the front door and the bastard thing won't fit through the door.
Drag it down the drive, across the back garden, up the three steps onto the patio, across the patio and then have a game of fucking twister with it to get it through the back door.

I bet the fucking thing won't work now, all that lumping around.
Fuck it, I don't want to use it anyway, it's too much like hard work.

Sun was out today, I was stuck in a tin box.
One of those thief proof porta cabins.
Who'd want to nick one of those fuckers anyway?
They ain't the prettiest.
Would look a bit cuntish at the bottom of your garden.

Unless you were a green metal box collector.
You'd think it was a bit of a prize then.
Your own big bit of green.

Why have treadmill walking machines anyway?
Go for a walk, get a bit of fresh air.
Suppose the risk of being mugged is lessened in your own house.
Depending on where you live of course.
Or you get mugged off buying the pissing thing in the first place.

I didn't.
At least I don't think so.
I guess I'll find out if the poxy thing doesn't work.
If I ever use it.

I may just use it to walk the dog. Let her loose on it during the day when I'm not here.
It would stop her getting bored and licking her private parts.
Well, stop her getting bored anyway.

She may not like the noise. I may have to get special doggy ear muffs.
I wonder if you can get them?
I bet you can.
On t'interweb.

Monday, 30 August 2010

Saturday 28th August 2010

Fuck me, I've been trying to write this post since Saturday and it's now Monday night.

I can't fucking remember what I was going to write now.

Fuck shit bollocks cunt.............

Monday 30th August 2010

Fuck this blog shit, I've been trying to write something at least four times a day since my last post and it wouldn't let me.
I thought I'd been kicked off for being too boring or something but maybe it was just a warning.

Does everyone see colours as the same colour?
And I'm not talking about people who are colour blind, but everyday non-colour blind people.
What colour is grass?
It's green, but how do you know that you see green as I see green?
The green that you see may be the same colour as I see the sky, which I see as blue.
We only know that green is green because we've been told that it is, we've been told that grass is green and sky is blue etc.
How our individual eyes interpret the colours is unknown.
If I lost the sight in one of my eyes and had a transplant with one of yours, would I see the same colours.
Would I see different colours with my two different eyes?

Trees could be purple and the sky yellow, sand could be green and roads magenta.

I need a time machine.
I'm currently driving home along the M5, but don't worry I'm driving hands free, but I've got about three and a half hours to go.
So I wish I had a time machine.

Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

Saturday, 28 August 2010

Friday 27th August 2010

I'm hungry and I'm in the South West of England.

This isn't how it was supposed to be. It's not how I envisaged it.
When I first started I was going to write a blog of my life.
But my life, since losing my job in the insurance industry, is so boring it bored me to write about it.
I simply write down my thoughts now, it saves arguing about it.

God only knows what the millions of you who read this on a regular basis must have first thought.
Who am I trying to kid.

My first two statements were not linked, by the way.
I just thought about them at the same time.
Multi tasking, who said it was only women who could do it.

Today I have mostly been eating cake.
I could market it as a new fad diet.
The Cake Plan.
Not all cake is unhealthy, surely.

I was on another website recently and I saw a button at the top of the page which said "become a writer".
I keep going back and clicking on it but nothing has happened yet.

Why do so many buses run at night with so few people on?
Maybe the bus company could tell me.
But I doubt it.

You can lead a horse to water but a church roof should be lead.


Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Tuesday 24th August 2010

Voice enhancement. I was talking to someone at work today and I kept thinking that his voice sounded a tad odd.
As he spoke he kept sounding like he was being possessed, momentarilly, by a robot.
It wasn't until afterwards that I realised that he was using auto-tune to enhance his speech.
Now I realise that second, or even third, rate singers have a penchant for using this digital trickery in a vain attempt to sound acceptable, but for the ordinary man on the street??
I don't know.

Would you implode or explode in space?
I used to think you would implode but I reckon you would do the opposite as the pressure is greater inside you that in outer space.
However, under water, really really deep underwater, deeper than your average swimming pool, you would probably implode due to the water pressure.
Implode or just crush?
Maybe it wouldn't be an implosion but more like an impounded car, crushed to a small cube.

If you could fly fast enough, faster than a speeding bullet, and flew into space and started to do loads and loads of loop the loops, do you think you could create a black hole?
And if you did create one, would you be flying fast enough to escape it's gravitational pull?
If a black hole has a gravitational pull, which I'm sure it does.

Just to be sure, I'm gonna try it out and I'll let you know the results when I get back.

Right now, I'm tired so I'm going to sleep.

Monday, 23 August 2010

Monday 23rd August 2010

Dragon's Den.
Wouldn't it be more fun if they used real dragons?
Ones that actually breathed fire.
If they got numpties in front of them, numpties that were really stupid, then they would simply incinerate them.
Puff and they would be gone.
Just little piles of ash on the floor that the geeky presenter has to come and clean up with a little dust pan and brush.
What's his name?
It'll come to me.

Apparently one of the best ways to fix your mobile phone, should it get wet, is to use a vacuum cleaner to suck the moisture out.
I must remember to carry a fucking Dyson around with me next time it looks like rain.

Have you ever mixed up two products by mistake, with disastrous results?
I was up very early this morning, quarter to bastard five to be precise, and was in the bathroom.
I went to have a shave, but got the shaving gel mixed up with the new style toothpaste I just bought and smeared minty paste all over my face.
Not content with that, I went downstairs and made a cup of coffee, putting two spoons of bicarbonate of soda in instead of sugar.

Evan Davies.

The funny thing is, I don't take sugar.

Still, despite all that, I still managed to drive 520 miles in the pouring rain with the indicators on all the way instead of the windscreen wipers.

I think all five Dragons should present Blue Peter, with Evan Davis playing the theme tune on a comb and tissue combo.

I'm going to try and find a new box to live in.
This ones got a bit wet in the rain.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Sunday 22nd August 2010

They say variety is the spice of life.
What happens if you don't like spicy food?
Shouldn't it be something like 'variety is the thing that makes your life more interesting'
Not so catchy, I grant you, but more accurate.

Or is it?

Pizza could be a suitable replacement for variety.
Pizza is the spice of life.

But pizza doesn't have to be spicy of course.
It can be, but it doesn't have to be.
And that's the point.
Pizza can be anything you want it to be.

You start with a bready base and add a tomato sauce.
There's your two staples, bread and veg (I know a tomato is a fruit or something) and the basis for anything you want.

Add cheese, onion, mushroom, peppers, anything.
Or be exotic and try olives or anchovies.
Be hot and add chilli peppers and spicy sausage.
Or be weird and try pineapple or artichoke.

You can eat pizza every day of the week and have something different each time.

Or you could have fish and chips.

We all know about rock salt, but what about rocks themselves?
Did you know there is a type of sandstone made from grit.
It's called gritstone and it's very good for making millstones.
So millstones are made from gritstone which is really sandstone.

The weather shapes it, so I don't really see how it's any good for making flour.
You'd think the flour would get sand in it.
Or grit.

Maybe that's how the Americans make their world famous disgusting breakfast fodder, with the imaginative name of............Grits.

Americans are funny folk, aren't they?
Not in a funny way, but in a funny way.
If you know what I mean.

But that's a story for another time.......

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Saturday 21st August 2010

My elder son once asked me how old he was when he was born.
I thought this was just a stupid question from a young boy and I laughed.
I laughed a lot.

But if you think about it, it's quite a good question.
Technically you are nine months old when you pop out of your mothers nether regions (give or take).
Therefore on your first birthday you are around 21 months old.
But you couldn't celebrate your birthday three months after you were born, even though you are twelve months old, because a birthday is the anniversary of the day you popped out.

So what do we do?

The queen realised this years ago and that's why she has two birthdays.
One celebrates the day she appeared out of the royal fanny and the other celebrates her true age.

This means we are all 9 months older than we think we are.
Apart from people like my younger daughter who was born a month early, so she is just 8 months older.

No one comments on my blogs, not one comment on one posting.
Mind you, I'm pretty sure no one reads this shit.

So, if you are reading this then please make a comment.
It doesn't have to be a good comment.
It doesn't have to be a nice comment.
Just any old comment.

See, I was right, no one has commented yet.
Just as I thought.

Friday, 20 August 2010

Friday 20th August 2010

Do Chinese people eat English food at the weekend?
Do they treat themselves to an 'Engly'?
Or maybe they have a full English on a Saturday morning.

What about Indian people living in France?
Would they have a continental breakfast?
And would it be called a continental breakfast in France, by French people?

Le petit dejeuner de la continent maybe.
Or perhaps just a croissant?

What would happen if a family of German speaking Indians were living in France and fancied some foreign food.
What would they eat?
Especially if they were vegetarians living on an organic farm.

Wind up torches are all the rage these days.
I've invented a solar power torch so you don't need to waste energy winding things up.
It's got a solar panel from the roof of a derelict bungalow which powers the 25w bulb.
I've not worked out how to store the solar energy yet so it only works when the sun is out.

And it's pretty big.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Thursday 19th August 2010

Smoking Kills.
They're not a bad band, you should check them out.
I think you have to google 'The Smoking Kills' otherwise you get health warnings from the gobblement.

I don't really know who I think I'm talking to when I say "you should check them out" etc, cause no one reads this shit.

However smoking really does kill apparently.
It has been scientifically proven that 100% of all people die.
I smoke and I guess I will die too one day.

The photos that they put on tobacco products, such as black gummy toothless mouths are supposed to put people off.
I'm hoping that if I smoke enough my teeth will look that good.

I blame my childhood.
For everything.

Everything that had happened in my life can be traced back to my childhood.
Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad childhood, it's just where it all began.

So I blame childhood for smoking and bad teeth.

And everything else.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Monday 16th August 2010

Jacket Potatoes: Best cooked in the microwave or the oven?
Personally I start mine off in the microwave and finish them of in the oven.
Speed coupled with crispness.

My barbecue fell apart today.

I used to try and save time every morning by going to the toilet before I got up.
Now I find it much more economical on the time if I combine my shit, shave and shower.
With just a slight adjustment of the shower head, you get a bidet thrown in.

If you want to save money as well as time, a good start is to recycle water.

This can be a bit tricky, and you have to watch you don't spill water over the kitchen floor, as you may slip and fall and even hurt yourself, thus potentially making it even thriftier as you may end up in hospital and therefore wouldn't have to use, or pay for, your own water.

However, with a bit of due care and attention, this is something the whole family can take part in, making it a fun thing to do on a rainy day!
First, find a bucket, a barrell or any other container.
Size, ladies, DOESN'T matter, not in this case anyway, as the bigger the recepticle the more water you can collect but the heavier it will be when you come to carry it.

Anyhow, place the container in a place where it is likely to catch falling rain.
Under a carport roof is not recommended as the chances of water collection are remote, unless the roof leaks.

Once your container has water in it, take it to the kitchen and transfer the rain water to a saucepan or stockpot.

Cover the pan with a specially adapted lid that has a plastic tube coming out of it, about oh I don't know about 10 metres long, and make sure the tube can reach your fridge.

Place approximately 6 metres of the tube inside the fridge as best you can and coil it up with the end going into a glass, dish or something similar.

No turn up the heat on the stove and watch in amazement when the water turns to steam and the steams goes into the tube and then when it cools in the fridge it turns back to water again.

I once saw this on Ray Mears Goes Walking in the Desert (or some similarly named programme) and have adapted it for modern day living.

It didn't actually work for me, but I am sure with a bit of practice I can produce a bit of drinking water.

Once the 3rd degree burns on my hand subside a bit.................

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Saturday 14th August 2010

Public school: good or bad?

Scientists, of a certain persuasion claim that drinking coffee late at night could keep you awake.
Something to do with the caffeine.
I often drink coffee last thing at night but as long as I'm tired enough I have no problem dropping off.

I once heard that Bill Gates is richer than gravity.
If he put all his money under his bed, and then fell off said bed he would start to fall like a parachutist.
If, then, the interest earned on his money was added to the stash already under the bed, but the floor went down to accommodate the extra cash, then Mr Gates would never hit the floor, thus proving said theory.

Mick 'spinach tooth' Hucknell's adage about money being too tight to mention was not quite right in this instance.

Was semaphore ever a useful form of communication?
Even in the days before emails, text messages and morse code, surely waving flags about whilst standing on the bow of a ship in a force ten was a bit of a bind?
It would have taken so long that the ship would crash or something, wouldn't it?

I've not seen any shooting stars this week but I have just watched two old episodes on one of the repeat channels.
Dave, probably.

Oil of Ulay.
Opal Fruits.
What do these things have in common?
Answers will cost £10 per minute and any entries received after tomorrow will not be counted but we'll keep your money.

Friday, 13 August 2010

Friday 13th August 2010

On Friday 13th many people stay in bed.
Superstitious people.
Stupid people.

Once upon a time it was thought to be ok to walk under a ladder as long as you held your left ear until you saw a woman wearing a black hat.
What happened if you didn't see one that day and your hand came off your ear whilst you slept?
You may never wake up.

Is rock salt salt that is shaped like little rocks or is it salt that has been made on rocks.
Are there loads of little criminals who have to break up big rocks of salt into little rocks with little sledge hammers?

Cigarettes were first discovered by the Chinese.
Not many people are aware of that fact.
They used to grow tobacco in the paddy fields and one caught on fire.
Breathing in the smoke, the elderly chinese supervisor nipped down to the corner shop and bought a packet of fags.

The chinese invented bamboo as well, apparently.

Shooting Stars every night for a week.
Vic and Bob are gonna be so tired.
I hope they will be able to cope........

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Tuesday 10th August 2010

I've got adverts from Sainsbury today.
Do I get any money for that?
I probably would if all you readers clicked on one of them.
So go on, you know you want to.

Maybe all my followers will click on them.
I'd make a fortune if I had any.

What do Sherpas do on their days off?
If they have days off, do they just sherp around?
Maybe they get in a bit of training, to keep themselves sharp.
Sharp Sherpas.
Or maybe they do a bit of team bonding.

I wonder what the career prospects are in the world of sherping?
Do apprentice Sherpas aspire to be Chief Sherpas, or Senior Sherpas, or are they just content with their lot?

I need to ask one next time I see one, whenever that may be.

I bet Jamie Oliver wouldn't be seen dead without at least one Sherpa when he does his Himalaya specials, which he apparently often does.
Wonder if they all have to have a lisp, just so they don't make him look stupid.
As if he would need any help.

Someone once said that football is a funny old game.
Well not tonight it fucking ain't.


Sunday, 8 August 2010

Monday 9th August 2010

When I was at junior school we used to have free milk every morning.
For some reason though the school didn't keep it in a fridge so by the time we were given it, it was warm.
Either that or they kept it in the fridge but then warmed it up in a microwave oven before giving it to us.
That's highly unlikely though as microwave ovens weren't invented when I was at junior school.

I put my irrational fear and hatred of cows down to this period of my life and I am actually thinking of suing the head teacher who allowed this to happen.
For years I have yearned to love all things bovine but the memories come flooding back all too quickly and the cold sweats are soon to follow.
Trouble is, I can't for the life of me remember the name of the teacher in question.

Must be all the stress.

I blame my lack of swimming expertise on the school too.
This time it's secondary school, not junior school.

We had an outdoor pool, there were icebergs on it, even in summer.
I'm sure there was a shipwreck at the bottom of the deep end too.

Didn't learn to swim until I was 24.

In the days before freezers only the very rich could experience ice.
Rich people had ice houses, and I don't mean houses that were made of ice, I mean houses where ice was stored and the door faced north and was insulated with straw.

But where did the ice come from?
To harvest it from English lakes would only have been possible very rarely so it must have been imported from somewhere really cold.

Like Siberia or somewhere.

But how did the ice importers get it here?
They couldn't really stick it in the fridge, could they?
They must have started with a huge great big massive chunk of ice and arrived with a much much smaller piece.
I'm surprised their boat didn't sink too, all that water, would've been like a flood.
And then it would need to be transported via horse and cart, or donkey, to your house.

Maybe that's how ice cubes were invented.
Start with a fuck off big piece and end up with an ice cube.

No wonder it was only for the rich.............

Sunday 8th August 2010

A funny thing happened to me today.
I took my dog out for a walk, we went to the local field and had a rare old time, me throwing the ball and the dog fetching it back for me to throw again.
The dog did it's business and me, being the responsible dog owner I am, bagged it and binned it.
Once we had enough we headed home and I fed the tired mutt

It was only when I had settled down in front of the tele that I realised that I don't actually own a dog.

Alarm Clock

Ants use alarm clocks.
I'm sure of it.

I walked out of my kitchen today at half past four and went upstairs to do what everyone does at half past four on a Sunday, tuned the television.
Why do teles need tuning at half past for every Sunday?
I don't know, but anyway, I digress.

When I came back downstairs there were about fifty thousand ants in my kitchen.
They were crawling around the floor but there were the flying ones too.

Now I fucking hate ants, so I got out my cigarette lighter and burnt the bastards.
They didn't like that, not one little bit.

Anyway, back to the point, why did they all come out at half past four?
Just as I was tuning the tele!
Perhaps they knew.


I made a mean one tonight.
But I didn't put any prawns in it.
Not even one........

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Saturday 7th August 2010 pt 2

If sheep were killers, what would their weapon of choice be?
It couldn't be a hand held weapon like a gun due to their lack of opposable thumbs.
An ape could possibly fire a gun, given the right training, but not a sheep.

A sheep would have to use some sort of computerised weapon.
But even then the computer would have to be specially adapted to allow it to use the keys properly.
It would have to be a large floor based keyboard with oversized keys, a bit like the piano in the toy shop in that Christmas film.

Then, given minimal training, a sheep could probably fire a heat seeking missile.

Or something.

Who makes all the Baked Beans in the world?
Is it many different companies or are they all made by the same one?
And if it is one company, is that company Heinz, or does someone else make them.

I mean, if Heinz make them all, why are they the most expensive?
You would think that they would work it so they were the cheapest and therefore sell more, wouldn't you?

I had a chinese takeaway the other night.
You never get baked beans from a chinese takeaway.
Or maybe you do.

Maybe you do and they just call them something else.
And they taste different because they're chinese.

Maybe the chinese make all baked beans and sell them to the entire world.

A global cartel.

Maybe the baked bean global cartel is run by chinese sheep.

Or maybe aliens......

Saturday 7th August 2010


What do you think aliens would think if they visited Earth?
Do you think they would be happy?
Maybe they are already here and that is the reason behind war.
Aliens aren't happy with something so they start a war to punish us.

But that would mean that who ever won the war must be the aliens.
Or at least the leaders of the winning side are aliens.

Perhaps it's just politicians that are aliens, all of them.
Especially that one who looks like Mr Spock.
What was his name? I can't frigging remember.
Maybe it'll come to me.

I once told an ex-wife that the coal in the coal bunker at the bottom of my garden needed throwing out and replacing as it was too old and wouldn't work anymore.
She believed me.
Stupid fucker.

Trouble was, she ordered some more and got Adrian, the coal man, to take the 'old' stuff away.
He must have thought we were right cunts.
Well I was cause I was the prick who had to pay for it.

What's the difference between a prawn and a shrimp?

It's not a joke, I don't know the answer, so answers on a postcard to the usual address.

John Redwood, that's the fucker..........

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Friday 6th August 2010

I wasn't born under a wandering star.
I don't know anyone who was.
Or even anyone who has ever seen a wandering star.

Shooting stars, well that's different.
Its got Vic and Bob. And Ulrika ka ka ka.

I went to see them along time ago and Bob caught an apple in his mouth.

Quite impressive really.


I was going to get my kid's names tattooed but my arms weren't long enough, so I'm looking for a surgeon who will perform arm extensions for me.
Surely there has to be one in Croatia or somewhere?
I suppose that if I went abroad then I wouldn't get it done on the NHS.
Or maybe I would now that I am officially unemployed.

I wonder if Vic or Bob have any tattoos?
I bet they have.
I bet Vic has a tattoo of a daffodil or something like that.
On his ankle.

Talking of ankles, I read somewhere that an elephant is the only mammal to have four knees.
And it can't jump.

Not at all.
Not an inch.

They would be no good in a steeplechase.....

Thursday 5th August 2010

Old people.

Old people are sometimes stereotyped into doddery forgetful folk that smell of piss.
Bit unfair really.

My parents are quite old, but they don't smell of piss.

Fish maybe, but not piss.

In fact my Dad, who is 84, still manages to ride a bicycle.
He's not so good going up hills mind, but he's a dab hand at going down the fuckers.

Still got an eye for the ladies too, randy old goat.

I got butted by a goat once.
Bastards have got eyes that are the wrong way round, have you ever noticed?
The coloured bit (fuck knows what it's called) is horizontal.
What's all that about?
Animals of the devil.

Visited Georgia once.
Lost his violin, in a bet.
Someone ought to write a song about that.

Have you noticed that songs all sound the same these days?

Most of them anyway.

Last day at work tomorrow, can't wait to get out of that shithole now.
I may just have to start making crank calls next week.
Although that might lead to making false claims or something equally stupid and I'd end up in court again.
Fuck it, I might even make some money out of them.

Interview next week.
Should I tell them about my community service yet or wait till I get the job?

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Tuesday 3rd August 2010

Community Service.

Unpaid work, 200 hours of it.
And it all starts next Wednesday at five o'clock.

I had an appointment today with the probation service to find out what my punishment will be for the next gawd knows how long.

I shall be wading in the River Don removing old pieces of lead weight that irresponsible fishermen have left behind.
Should quite enjoy it to be honest, I might save up all the bits of lead, smelt it down into a club and beat the lazy fucking twat fishermen around the bastard ear with it if I ever see them dropping more.

Only joking, of course (especially if anyone from the probation office is reading), but you gotta feel sorry for the swans haven't you?

And the ducks, mustn't forget the ducks.

Did you know the longest flight ever made by a chicken was nine seconds.
I wonder if it was just falling?

I used to have a mate called Swanny.
Not his real name of course, that would be fucking stupid, but he had a very long neck and he used to read your newspaper over your shoulder.

Wonder what he's doing now?

Driving buses or something I wouldn't doubt.....

Monday, 2 August 2010

Monday 2nd August 2010

Today is Monday, the clue is in the title.

Yesterday I was going to go to a party in a park in Rawmarsh but I couldn't be arsed.
Just as well really as I heard it was a total pile of shite.

I took Jess out instead, she enjoyed it.

Today I started my last week at work.
I've been made redundant.
How the fuck did that happen?
I know I can't be arsed most of the time, but fuck me there are worse twats in the office.
That prick Trevor for a start.

Anyhoo, I'm off at the end of the week so I'd better get an offer from one of the bastard vulture agent twats that I have contacted otherwise it's the bread line for me.

I've also noticed that one of the adverts on the side of this blog is for "Cheese and Paneer" but then goes onto describe the ' cheese and panner' that it sells.

Useless twats..........

Saturday, 31 July 2010

Saturday 31st July 2010

Not a lot happened yesterday, well not a lot apart from I was in court for sentencing.

The fourth time I have had to go and the fourth different solicitor I have had.

It really pisses me off that you pay all that money to them and they can't even be frigging arsed to give you the same bastard lawyer each time.

Still I knew what the verdict would be as I pleaded 'guilty', so I don't really know why I bothered going.

After waiting for four fucking months, I had to wait another two freaking hours for the three magistrates, stuck up rejected judges, to get their kicks by passing sentence.

Anyway, I did worry that the pretentious pricks may go on a real ego trip and send me to prison, however I was spared her majesty's pleasure and instead got 150 days, suspended, 200 hours community service and £ 400 pounds.

Friday night I went to a fancy burger joint.
Twelve fucking quid for a burger, chips and a coke.
Fuck me, I half wished I'd been frigging well sent down.......

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Wednesday 28th July 2010

I'll be so glad when I win the lottery.
Trouble is, I've got to start doing it first.
When you're on £13k a year and have to pay extortionate rent on a pokey flat, plus maintenance for three crazy bitch wives and fuck knows how many kids, then the lottery ain't too high up on the agenda.

Why do so many people crash their cars?
I appreciate that if they didn't then I would probably be out of a job, but some people are so fucking stupid.

This one kid, sounded about 13 years old, claimed his BMW had been hit by a shopping trolley in a supermarket car park.
Said it happened late at night in the one in Southwell.
Like I know where the fuck that is, anyway, the prick ain't fooling me, I thought, the twat doesn't sound old enough to drive, let alone have a new beamer, so I googled it and bugger me, there ain't an all night supermarket in Southwell.
Was trying to claim his car was a write off.
By a bastard shopping trolley.

Fuck him, he's getting nothing.

Still haven't heard back from any of the agents I've rung, they don't know what they're missing.

Oh well, life stumbles on................

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Tuesday 27th July

Sat at work today ringing around theatre agents trying to get a gig.

I'm not sure, but I think that having no previous acting experience may not be working in my favour.

Still, I'm not one to give up that easily.

Trevor was 'on' form today.
The prick couldn't wait to tell me about the number of interested girls he has on the dating site he goes on.
Sad bastard, I wish he would get kidnapped by some lunatic psycho woman who would hold him captive in her bathroom and only feed him boiled sweets.
Maybe that would shut the fucker up, but I doubt it.

Went for a walk in the park at lunchtime.
It's got a bit of a pond and a few ducks.
Poor fuckers have to dodge the used condoms, second hand syringes and empty beer cans.

Anyway, amongst all the flotsam, there were a couple of male ducks trying to shag a female.
Two on one.
I had to feel quite sorry for the poor bitch, well I would have done if she hadn't looked like she was enjoying it so much, making a laughing noise.
Freaking slut.

Got back to work and the boss has mailed saying that he wants to see me tomorrow.
That's something to look forward to.

Treated myself to a bus ride on the way home, what a fucking mistake.
Full of sweating, sinking tourists wasting time.
Cameras everywhere.
What is so special about a run down derelict industrial estate anyway?

Got home to find Avon & Somerset Police had sent me a little present in the post.
A nice £ 60 fine and three penalty points for the huge crime of driving at 36 mph.
I only went that bastard way to avoid some fucking roadworks.

Anyway, there's always dinner to look forward to, but I'm not having those home made pizzas again, I think the bread made me bad.............

Monday, 26 July 2010

Monday 26th July 2010

Last night I was in a leading brand of supermarket, and in the reduced section was a pack of 24 bread rolls for the knock down price of 25p, which I bought.
When I got home, I had a bit of a root around the cupboards, to see what I could knock up using the aforementioned rolls.

Well you wouldn't believe what I found, I didn't!!
At the back of the fridge, on the top shelf was some cheese.

Well I think it was cheese, it was a bit old and hard so it was like that fancy gorgonbazola stuff you get, but I'm pretty sure it started out in life as cheddar.

Anyway, in the bottom of the fridge were some squishy tomatoes. Being 'on the turn' they needed using up.
So I mashed up the tomatoes and spread them onto a couple of the stale bread rolls I had bought

On top of this I grated the cheddar / gorgostiltzola type cheese combo and added a couple of manky olives I found in the bottom of a jar languishing in their own juices.

Bunged it under the grill and voila! Thrifty Pizza.

I also rubbed an onion over another cut roll, and dabbed a bit of red sauce on top before grilling.

I've seen this on a Ramsey programme, Bruchetta I think he called it........................

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Sunday 25th July 2010

Didn't do much last night, stayed in and watched Jess lick herself.
She makes a lot of noise, not only when she licks herself but also when she sleeps.
If she ever wanted to know the reason why she's not allowed in the bedroom then that would probably be it.
That, and the fact that she smells.
If I had stairs then she wouldn't even be allowed up them.

Anyway, smelly and noisy she might be, but she loves me and in my own way I love her too.
Not in a sexual way of course, that would just be plain wrong.

We went out today, just a quick walk up to see my mum.

Took her out to get some fish and chips, she doesn't get out much and I sometimes feel a bit sorry for her, but she doesn't help her self.

The poor boy serving didn't know where to look when she started flashing her thigh from the seat of her mobility scooter.

The fucking thing ran out of juice on the way back to her sheltered accommodation so I had to push it and her up the bastard hill.
Fucked, I was, when we got to the top, but did she thank me?
Did she fuck, just complained that I hadn't bought her an ice cream.

Really exciting evening, tried to iron some shirts but they are more creased now than when they came out of the washing machine.

Going to think of a sure fire money maker, can't be that hard, not if that lanky twat Peter Jones can do it.............

Saturday 24th July 2010

Working on a Saturday, what a bunch of wank.

It's bad enough having to spend all week in the same office as these wankers but to have to do it on a Saturday as well just takes the piss.

Trevor, the bloke next to me was his usual anal self, telling me what a great night he had last night. He reckoned he went to the pub, got hammered and shagged Susie Wessex on the bandstand in the park.

He probably stayed at home with his mum and went to bed early for a wank, he couldn't pull a muscle, that pleb, and yes I do mean the mollusc type.

Had some right nutters on the phone this morning though, one woman claiming that she couldn't have been responsible for the accident as she didn't realise sheep were allowed to stand on the road that early on the morning.

During my coffee break, Trevor insisted on telling me, in great detail, of how he was going to get a shag that night.
I suppose that if all you have to chat up is your right hand (or left hand for all you weirdos out there) then it ain't too hard to score.

On the way home I stopped of at Lidl to get some shopping.
God, some right chavs use that shop.
I'm going to have to start using Aldi in future, even if it is twenty minutes further along the bus route.

Gotta start thinking about another job.
Another vocation.
A change of direction.

I don't want to answer stupid questions about car crashes and break-ins and fires and stolen electrical devises all my life.

I might take to the stage.............

Friday, 23 July 2010

Friday 23rd July 2010

Funny old day today.

Well it wasn't really, it wasn't even remotely funny.

It started as they usually do.....waiting.

I woke up at quarter to six and led there waiting for the alarm to go off. Just led there, waiting.
I didn't want it to go off but I didn't want to lie there and wait either. Nor did I want to get up, but I got bored so I dragged myself out of my pit and plodded to the bathroom.

Turn on the shower and wait for the water to warm up.
A shower is quite possibly one of the most effective ways of waking up.
I would imagine an ice bath is probably more effective, but I'm not prepared to try that.

Shower done; turn the basin taps on and wait for this water to warm up to have a shave.


I could have stayed in bed for longer, if I could've been bothered.

Kettle has to boil, more waiting.
At least there is some reward in the form of a cup of coffee.

Car then work.
Man driving a Lexus looks remarkably like a bad post-op trans gender casualty. Whatever one of those would look like.

Working in a taxi firm has it's perks, unfortunately I don't work in a taxi firm so I don't see any of them.
My good friend, Farrington Gurney, does though and he's always crowing on about them.
Get to work and wait for the computer to start up.

Jeez, it's only just eight o'clock and I've already waited for about an hour for various stuff.

Oh well, time to wait...............