Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Tuesday 12th October 2010

Slow Cookers could well be the thing of the future.

One day, every house will have at least one, with some having more.
Some houses will even have one in every room, but only those houses owned by extremely extravagent people.

The things you can do in them is virtually limitless, if you put your mind to it.
There is simply nothing you can't cook, and I bet Jamie Oliver wouldn't be able to compete either.

Start in the kitchen but don't just cook caseroles in it, be adventurous.

Try slow cooked cheese on toast, the cheese will melt like nothing you have ever had before.
Or spaghetti bolognese. You could use tinned tomatoes, that Dolmio stuff in a jar, or for an extra special treat, fresh tomatoes and just cook that little bit longer.
If you want to slow cook the pasta, then you have two options.
Either use a second slow cooker, or simply chuck it in with the sauce.
Either way, you will have to break it in half to get it in, unless you have a massive one.

Get a slow cooker for the bedroom, forget the Teasmaid.
Put a teabag and a cup of water in it and plug it in before you go to bed.
When you wake up in the morning you may well have the best cup of tea you have ever had.
Don't try it with coffee though, cause coffee boiled is coffee spoiled.

If you cook a meal that has a nice sauce, don't bother washing your slow cooker out as this will be the ideal base for your next meal.
If it was nice the night before, it will be better the day after.
If you are worried about the health and safety aspect, then leave your slow cooker on real low and keep it bubbling.

For the best roast chicken ever cooked, keep your slow cooker on extra slow and place a fresh egg inside, free range is best.
After the first couple of days, keep checking the egg every day or so but be careful not to open the slow cooker to much during the middle of the cooking time or you may have an escapee on your hands, but keep checking and it will just be a matter of time until your roast chicken, succulent and tasty, will be ready.

If you have enough slow cookers, say four or five, then you could slow cook a whole Sunday Roast.

Netto have incredible deals on at the moment, but other budget supermarkets are available.

Jimmy the Double has one, why don't you get one too?

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Sunday 10th October 2010

Trees are everywhere.

Most people think they are wonderful things. In fact there are some who go around hugging them.

Can you believe that? People hugging trees, real life trees, being hugged by proper people? Bloody Tree Huggers.

They stand there, all majestic, and wave their arms around, but I think they are more sinister.
They must be doing SOMETHING I once thought to myself, so I thought a little bit more, and I have discovered the truth.

The trees are taking over the world and are preparing to destroy it.
A sort of Arboretum of Death if you like.

What they do, you see, is they stand there with their feet in the ground and they make their feet grow and grow and grow so they are longer and longer.
In some cases the feet can be hundreds of feet long, in the case of really big trees.

In fact, the taller the tree then the longer the feet.

When I say feet, this is, of course, the correct term for what most people call roots.
Roots is the modern, Anglo-Saxon name.

Whilst appearing serene above the surface, the trees are working extremely hard below the surface absorbing water.
Now most people think they are doing this to enable themselves to grow and even encourage it, but in reality they are sucking the Earth dry, determined to cause total drought across the whole of the planet.

Global warming has nothing to do with CFCs, aerosols or leaded petrol but it is the trees that are killing the planet.

Eco-warriers are determined to prevent the felling of trees, without planting fourteen new saplings for every mature tree chopped, but they don't realise that they are actually aiding the destruction of the very planet on which they live.

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Thursday 7th October 2010

Dogs, whilst generally a friendly bunch, are, in essence, wild animals.
All sorts of dogs are available, in different colours and sizes, however the ones that are best for most people depend on differing factors, such as house size and stuff.

More interestingly is the way in which different breeds of dog communicate with each other.

Whilst walking my dog, a black and brindle Staffordshire Bull Terrier, the other morning we met with a Golden Retriever and it's owner.
It may have been a Golden Labrador, but I couldn't tell as it was quite dark at the time and the Golden dog was only a puppy therefore didn't shine as much as a, say, five year old dog would.

Anyway, I digress. The dogs immediately set about sniffing each other, first their noses then their nether regions.

I knew there was no cause for alarm in the mating department as both dogs were bitches (a contradiction there, but you know what I mean, don't you??) but I really hoped neither was a lesbian bitch.
I knew mine wasn't.

Or did I?

Then they started prancing around together.
I thought they were playing, they certainly weren't fighting, but it made me think, were they communicating?

I think they were.

I think the whole ritual was a form of communication, obviously a canine form of communication as both dogs, which we have established are, in fact, bitches, are canines and always have been.

I was amazed at how they could understand each other, as they were of different nationality, but perhaps they are a more intelligent species than we ever thought.

They were originally discovered by Cook you know.
He was exploring China and found some wild ones near the wall, wandering around lost so he took them home to Brighton and bred them.
Not many people know that, but I digress again.

So the two dogs had a good old sniff and a prance and then went off to play.

Not once did they bark at each other.

Most people think that barking is the way dogs, and bitches, communicate but I think it isn't.

The truth, as far as I am concerned, is that the real communication is what I have described above and when a dog barks it is taking part in a big fat canine joke against the human race.

Each dog knows this, having been taught at an early age by it's mother, no matter what nationality they are.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Monday 4th October 2010

I went for a walk with a blind friend of mine at the weekend.
It was one of these 'Orienteering' things, where you are dropped off in the middle of no-where with a map and a compass and you have to find your own way back.

I bet you are thinking to yourself, "dropped off in the middle of no-where with a map, a compass and a blind man? What a twat!!"

But it was no ordinary map we had.
It was a braile map, a map for blind people.
A map so that even when blind people cannot see where they are going and don't know where they are, they can still find their way home.

So the plan was, I would do the compass thing and my blind friend would read the map.

All was going well and we seemed to be making real progress, save for the countless times the blind man fell over stuff.
Some of the time I could have warned him, but it seemed more fun at the time just to let him trip.
But then disaster struck.
And disaster came in the form of lunch.

We had been orienteering for a couple of hours and were certain that it wouldn't be long before we would see civilisation again (well I would, obviously he wouldn't) so we decided to stop for a bite to eat.

I had some very nice Tuna mayonaise with sweetcorn and just the smallest dash of chilli sauce to give it a nice kick, and I had it in a crusty cob which was fresh that morning.
The daft blind one had crackers, cheese and crisps.
He had a peculiar appetite this one, but I thought it couldn't hurt.

Once we finished our respective meals and washed them down our drinks of choice, we set off again.

It wasn't long before I realised that instead of getting closer to the end of the trek, we appeared to be returning to our starting point, but in a very roundabout sort of way.

"Are we following that map?" I kept asking.
"To the step." came the reply, everytime.

After walking for a further six hours, but getting nowhere, I grabbed the map of the stupid blind man only to realise that all the crackers and crisps consumed earlier had resulted in crumbs being dropped on the braile map thus confusing the man's fingers into thinking we were going the right way whilst being led on a merry dance through the forest.

Gawd knows how these blind people ever get round to reading a book.
Without eating I would guess...............

Saturday, 2 October 2010

Saturday 2nd October 2010

You see these adverts dotted around the page then please feel free to click on them.
Even if you don't want anything, or are not sure if you do or not, then have a click anyway.
You may even find something you like and never knew you wanted.

There is no particular reason for me to say this other than the fact that I get money every time you do so.
Google probably do too, and the people who place the adverts must get something out of it, but I don't really give a shit about them, I'm just interested in myself.

If, for any reason, you particularly do not like the adverts on this page, if they really offend you for any reason, then please let me know.
Post a comment telling me what adverts you want to see and I'll see if I can get them.

It's not that I have any influence in the advertising department, but they tell me that the adverts are relevant to whatever I write, so if you tell me what advert you want, I'll write something relevant to try and get the adverts.

And you never know, if I make enough money, I may even share it around.............