Thursday, 28 April 2011

Thursday 28th April 2011

Yet another one tomorrow.

It's Friday today, for many people, but I'm working tomorrow so today is still Thursday
for me.
It's the Royal Wedding tomorrow and the whole world is celebrating. Or are they? I'm not against the wedding, I'm not against the Royal family, in fact I think they are good for the country. They bring in a lot of tourism and they are a huge part of our history. But I really couldn't care less about the wedding. I hope it goes all right for them, of course I do, but I don't see why people would want to camp out for nights on end on the pavement in London just to catch a glimpse. I hate London at the best [or worst, depending on which way up you look at life] of times, so why you would want to sleep on one of it's dirty skanky pavements is beyond me. Give me a beach in a seaside town in the North East any time.

It was the funerals of a girl and her mother today around here somewhere. They had been murdered, stabbed I think. I saw it on Look North, but what I found interesting was that as they were showing the hearses going into the Church or Crematorium or whatever it was, there was a woman stood there taking photographs of the cars on here phone. I mean, it's all very well for the News people to film, but it's a bit odd for a member of the public to photograph a hearse isn't it? Maybe it's just me.

Talking of which, is it bad form to overtake an Ambulance?
I was driving along the M11 the other day, or maybe it was the A14 I don't remember, when I caught up with an Ambulance. There wasn't a lot of traffic on the road, but here was this Ambulance going up the M11 [or A14, whatever] with it's blue lights flashing. No sirens, just the lights. It wasn't going very fast really, and as I approached it I thought "should I maintain a respectable distance behind it?". What do you do? What is the 'Ambulance Etiquette'?
Well, I'll tell you what I did, I thought "fuck it" and carried on going and before too long I couldn't even see it in me rear view mirror.

Just put the heating on. Fuck me, it's as good as the middle of summer, and I'm sat sitting here in a short sleeve tee shirt [can you get long sleeved ones??] but I think other members of the household have heat issues. Anyhoo, that's global warming for you.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Monday 25th April 2011

It has now been over a year.

When I was at Meadowhell on Saturday I saw loads of different stuff 'celebrating' the upcoming royal wedding. I suppose that the people selling the tat are celebrating the event in their own special way. Well, when I say celebrating the event what I really mean is celebrating the fact that the event is taking place which means they can cash in on it an make a few bob.
The thing that made me laugh though was that one shop had all the wedding stuff reduced to half price.
On the Saturday before the big day!
Is this a sign that the marriage will not last, be over before it has really begun?
Who knows?

Liz is on her way to Brizzle tonight for the week, so I am all on me lonesome. Just me a Jess, which means I aint on me lonesome but she's a dog so it doesn't count so I am.
On me lonesome, that is.
I might have a party, to celebrate a whole year of abstinence.
That would be a real swinger of a do, wouldn't it? An alcohol free party. Even at kids parties there is alcohol these days. Not for the kids, obviously, but for the parents. Party bags too. I remember when I was a young kiddywinkle, other kids would take gifts to the party, not expect to receive them once they were there. Still, maybe it's just me getting old. I doubt it.

Cut the grass again today. That was fun. The second time I have done it this year. I wish it would stop growing. I think I once wrote something about self-cutting grass, or maybe it was cannibalistic grass. Grass that ate itself so it never grew too long. If I haven't written any thing about it then I should, it's quite a good idea. But if I have already written about it then there is no point in going over old ground and re-writing it. I should look really, but I can't be arsed. Maybe I should write something about it and then find the original piece and compare the two.


Made a Lemon Meringue Pie today too. That was nice. There is a piece left, I may just have to go and eat it now that I have thought about it.............

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Sunday 24th April 2011

Happy Easter Everyone.

Whilst I was talking about urinals, I was in a service station today, went to the loo [as you do] and happen to notice that the stones were 'waterless'.
I did wonder how they were cleaned. Then, next to the hand-driers, I noticed a set of instructions on how to clean the 'waterless' urinals. It turns out that you splash a little cleaning liquid around and then rinse with three gallons of water. I think it was gallons, it may have been litres I don't really remember, but it was still water.
So the big question is: How the fuck can they be waterless when [fuck it, never mind].
The bigger question is; are they very hygienic? I mean, if you only use water a couple of times a day, won't they get a bit skanky? And stinky.

I see it was the last Old Firm clash of this season today. What are they gonna do now? They have only played each other seven times this season.

Easter is a very religious time. It's the time when Jesus was betrayed by Judas and crucified on the cross [where else??]. He had a crown of thorns forced on his head and was stabbed a few times with a spear, I think. He then rose again on the third day [Easter Monday].
You would think though, as the time is so important then they would do it on the same date every year. I mean, if it really happened then someone, somewhere must remember what day it was on. My brother was born on a Good Friday, a long time ago mind, but it was Good Friday all the same. And his birthday is on 24th March. This year, it was 23rd April. Good Friday, that is, not my brother's birthday. If they know when he was born [and that's on the same day every year] then why not Easter?
I bit of a flaw, methinks.

My big fat royal gypsy wedding is on Thursday, that should be good for a laugh interesting.

I've got a bit of toothache, but it's OK cause I have taken some Amitriptyline. This does, however make me drowsy, so if I nod off, then please forggggggiiiiiiiiivdwhpvbefqfdcjbqcvbj

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Saturday 23rd April 2011

Four seasons in one day.

Gawd there is some crud on the tele, there is a programme on about dancing and they haven't just got dancers on there, they have 'Contortion breakdancers' and 'Hiphop Beat dancers' (or something) and other such nonsense.

I went to Sheffield today. Liz was going to the football so we drove to Meadowhell and caught the tram into town. Well, when I say we caught the tram into town, we caught it halfway there and then had to transfer to a bus as there was maintenance works on the tram line.
Went for a drink in a pub opposite the Crucible, which was a blinder of an idea as the snooker was on, as well as Man U on the tele, so it was fairly packed. Couple of J2Os and Liz went off to the footy and I went for a wander. As it was a hot day, I bought a bottle of water. I tell you this, as the J2O and the water made me want to pee as I was on the bus / tram combination on the way back to Meadowhell.

Meadowhell was surprisingly quiet for the time of year, but when I got back my first stop was the toilet. They have those Dyson Airblade hand driers in there, you know, the ones that dry your hands in ten seconds like a windscreen wiper or something. Then I had a bit of a wander and, starting to get bored, went for a coffee.

Obviously, more liquid meant I had to go pee again, but this time I went into a different loo. I noticed, though, that the layout of this loo was exactly the same as the first one I went into. Hell, I even stood at the same urinal as the last time. Well not the same one, obviously, but the one in the same position.

This got me thinking, are ALL the toilets in Meadowhell the same? I thought I had better do a bit of investigating. It would be a bit odd, however, if I just went into the toilets and had a look around, so I bought another bottle of water and drank away, whilst wandering aimlessly around.

As the sun was out, and the temperature was hot, there was plenty of skin on show. Not all good skin, I hasten to add. There are some very beautiful people in this world. Unfortunately in Sheffield there are also some extremely ugly munters as well.
And why do some people, especially older women, think body piercings are sexy. Or even make you look slightly more appealing. I would say to all you older women out there, in nine times out of ten THEY FUCKING DON'T!!!! They make you look like an elderly fucking chav.

Trouble was, I was wandering so aimlessly that when I needed to pee again, i didn't know where the nearest loo was that I hadn't been to already. But eventually I found one, up some stairs [which is something you don't need when you are busting] so up I went. And guess what? The layout was exactly the same. And I even got to go in the same stone. I now think of that stone as my own, I may even look at getting a plaque.

I then got bored of the 'Gents' investigation so I stopped drinking water and just had another little wander. Then I got bored of that too, so I went and sat in the car and waited for Liz.

Bugger me we had some weather today, eh? It started off nice and sunny, went a bit overcast, thunder and lightening, fucked it down with rain and then went all hot again.

Oh and there was the smog, don't forget the smog.............

Friday, 22 April 2011

Friday 22nd April 2011

If you want to get ahead...

First of many. Bank Holidays, that is. I never used to like Bank Holidays much, it just means that you have to do five days work in four days but it's even worse now, as I don't get paid for them.
And we have so many of the fuckers over the next couple of weeks. Some people have taken three days holiday and they get about 45 weeks off work. Fuckmegently, it's no wonder this country is in the state it is.

And now we have smog. It's gonna kill millions, maybe. It's like Victorian times when everyone used to use coal for everything. They just showed a picture of Manchester on the News, with a layer of smog hanging over it. Couldn't see it meslef.

St Georges Day tomorrow. Was gonna fly a flag but I don't have one. Wonder how many people will celebrate. Thinking about it, I wonder how many people will remember, or even know.

Went to Chatsworth House today, weather was nice and I bought a hat. I like it, it's a bit like a cowboy hat, made out of suedey leather. It's a proper decent one, not a cheap one like you might get in Primark or TK Maxx or somewhere. I don't even know if they sell cowboy type hats in those shops, but you know what I mean. I think I may wear it everywhere, just to get my money's worth.

Bought some carrot cake as well, it is very good. But who would ever have thought of making a cake out of carrots? And thinking about it, who was the first person to make a cake with cheese?
They are both good though.

Do you know who the World's biggest killer is?

It's a bloke called Thomas Midgley Jr, who was an American until his own death in 1944.
Ever heard of him??
Well, he is the bloke that thought it would be a good idea to put lead into petrol, an ingredient that you do not have anymore being as it killed more people than this smog we have currently got will. Getting bored with being the bloke accredited with lead poisoning on a mass scale, he then went on to invent CFCs in aerosol cans.
He was a bit of an inventor, not a very good one in some people's minds, but when he contracted poliomyelitis, which left him severely disabled, he devised an elaborate system of strings and pulleys to help others lift him from his bed. He got entangled in the ropes of this device and died of strangulation.

Saturday tomorrow. Is it a Bank Holiday?
Fuck knows, probaby, everyday seems to be one at the moment.............

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Wednesday 20th April 2011

Home again, home again, jiggidy jig.

An uneventful journey home tonight, so nothing much to tell there really. There were no running bird monster type things committing hari kari on my car bonnet, still not sure what it was. I have a collection of blackish brown feathers stuck to my car and a big yellowy brown patch on my registration plate. What sort of animal / bird / monster thing has yellowy brown innards? The same sort of colour as a babies shit when it does those really stinking nappy fillers. I suppose I'll never know now

I hear Queenie and Phil are meeting Michael and Carole tomorrow. Having lunch, or dinner or something, in Windsor. First time they will have met. Leaving it a bit late aren't they? You would have thought they would have made the effort a bit earlier, got their people to speak with their people and all that jazz. Still, better late than never I suppose.

And how come she is (or soon to be used to be) called Kate when her name is Catherine. Surely she should be called Cate? And I see that the BBC have had a meeting and have decided that she should be called Catherine from now on. Not Kate, or Cate, or even Kathryn, but Catherine.
Best of luck to them, but I'm working on the 29th I'm afraid so I'll have to send my regrets.
It'll never last anyhoo.

I'm sure there was something else I was gonna say, I'll have a think whilst I eat my Lemon Meringue Pie and Ice Cream.

Somebody wrote the following on Farcebook earlier today, yes it was you Chris [this'll be a test to see if you read this!!!], and the scary thing about it is how much of it I can actually remember.

"If you were raised on home cooking, your cot was covered with Lead Base paint, rode a bike with no helmet on gravel roads, your parents had no child proof lids or seat belts in cars, U got a smack when U misbehaved, had 3 TV channels that U got up 2 change, school always started w/the Lord's Prayer & the national anthem & stores were closed Sunday, U drank water out of a hose and YOU STILL TURNED OUT OK. Repost"

Now I don't think of myslef as all that old, fuck me I'm not all that old, so maybe these things happened not so long ago. Maybe they happened fairly recently but we just think it was a long time ago. Maybe it's a big conspiracy thing by the Government and they have brainwashed us all. A bit like "The Truman Show" or whatever that Jim Carey film was called. Not 'The Mask' or 'The Cable Guy' or any of the other ones, the one where he lives in a reality TV show. I'm sure Cowell must be in there somewhere.

Ho hum, time for bed, methinks.............

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Tuesday 19th April 2011

Oh My Gawd.............

Up at three this morning, left home at about a quarter to four and made it to Glasgow for around eight o'clock. At least I made it, which is more than can be said for the bird thing that tried to cross the A66 as I was driving along it at 80mph. All that's left of that little fucker are a few feathers wedged in the gap between my bonnet and the grill and a nasty looking stain on my number plate. I have to say, it didn't half smell for a bit until it cooked itself off. Could do with a bit of a clean now.

The sun has been out today, happy days, a full moon last night and a full day of sun today. Makes the day a tad more bearable.

I can't believe I am led here, in a cheap hotel room in Kirkintilloch Scotland, watching a load of fucking vacuum cleaners try to clean a rug. What a freaking jetset lifestyle I live.

Got back to the hotel tonight and I was waiting for a car to pass so I could pull into a parking space when the bastard took it himself. There was plenty of room to park nearby so I wasn't bothered and just park somewhere else.
But as I got out of the car I heard a hideous hissing sound and then watched my front tyre deflate. If that wasn't bad enough, seeing how I have been up since three this morning, I undid the nuts, jacked the car up and tried to change the wheel. 'Tried' being the operative word. Do you think the thing would come off? Would it fuck as like. I have now spent about half an hour kicking it, beating it, twatting it and even willing it to come off, but the fucking thing is still on there.
Looks like it is a call to the garage tomorrow morning then, oh well at least I'll have time for breakfast.

I don't fucking like breakfast, but I'll have time for it tomorrow. Deep joy.

Just seen an advert for the iphone 4 and the tag line was "If you don't have an iphone, well, you don't have an iphone." No shit Sherlock, I wonder how much the advertising agency got paid to come up with that shite tripe?
And then there was an advert for Vodka. I used to enjoy a vodka or two, but that's a story for another day. It'll be a year next week since I last had any alcohol, but that's a story for another day too.

To top it all off, I've just had a piss and caught me bollocks in me zip.
It really aint my fucking day. I'm going to bed.............

Monday, 18 April 2011

Monday 18th April 2011

Have you ever had a dream or two?????

Last Saturday meslef and Liz were in Doncaster and we fancied a cup of coffee. Rather than do the usual and go to Costa, we saw some Victorian Tea Rooms and, as it was a nice sunny day and there were tables outside, we thought we would give it a go.
So we parked ourselves at a table and waited.

Now, people who have read some of my earlier blog posts and (more importantly) my spoofs will know that I am fairly good at waiting. I don't mean the table sort of waiting, you know, the sort that students and Italians do, but just waiting. Waiting around. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a new chapter to begin. Just waiting.

However, waiting at a table for a waiter to wait on you is no fun, but at least it was a nice day and eventually someone came. Well, she came to the door then disappeared again as she had forgotten the menu. Wouldn't have mattered really as we only wanted a coffee and a hot chocolate and not even I need a menu for that.

So we ordered and then waited again.

And waited.

And waited.

I could go on and on, but I won't. The funny thing was, there were about six waitresses working, that we could see, and the cafe Victorian tea Rooms didn't seem that overly busy, but still our drinks didn't arrive.

Eventually we got up and went to Costa, where we got a seat outside and served straight away.
The name of the cafe Victorian Tea Rooms? I can't honestly remember, but it is the one opposite Barclays Bank. I took a photo on me phone, but I can't get the bluetooth working on me laptop.

I was going to cut the grass yesterday, but I couldn't be arsed, so we went to Kedleston Hall instead. We fancied a coffee there as well, but the only place to get one was in the restaurant and you had to 'wait to be seated'. The funny thing was, there was a sign just inside the door that said, "Please wait at the other end of the restaurant to be seated". Wasn't too sure whereabouts I should wait so I just buggered off.

Went to Croydon today, that was fun.............

Friday, 15 April 2011

Friday 15th April 2011

I hope this works, cause it's very very funny.

That has to be the bestest funniest ebay advert I have ever seen.
It was put up on the discussion forums on the excellent website, by top writer Nick Hobbs.
If the link don't work then you will just have to trawl through ebay until you find something that is the funniest thing that you have ever seen on ebay and that could be it. It may not be, of course, but if you haven't seen the link then you will never know anyway so just laugh along and pretend you are in the know.

I was talking to a Polish worker today about working the many bank holidays that are coming up. He said that he didn't really want to work all the Easter Christmases but he would work some. Easter Christmas is quite big in Poland apparently, almost as big as Christmas Christmas, but with less Roast Chestnuts, I would imagine.

Anyhoo, I can't think of anything to write that could compete with the link so if works then go and enjoy it, if it doesn't work then just stare intently at your monitor and then suddenly laugh insanely and everyone else will automatically think of Ford Focus's and Trebor mints.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Thursday 14th April 2011

Ever done something you have done before but didn't think you would do again?

I saw a sign today that said "Caution, Soft Verges".
I wouldn't have thought that soft verges would need much caution, I'd have thought that hard verges would require more. I mean, a soft verge aint going to do much harm is it? All it would do would be to cower in a corner and whimper.
Now a hard verge would be in your face, threatening you and generally being a badass.
Surely that would need more caution in anyone's book. And car. And bus. And lorry etc etc.

I saw the old "Picking up your litter put's the lives of workers at risk" sign again today. Must be a Scottish thing. LEAVE YOUR FUCKING LITTER THEN, SAVE LIVES!!!

The matrix signs are much better north of the border though.
On the M6 you get signs that say things like 'Fog' and 'Caution' or maybe 'Workforce In Road' but as soon as you get on the M74 they say stuff like "Drink Drive, Lose License, Don't Risk It" or "Don't Text and Drive" or "Better Late than Never, Watch Your Speed", or my personal favourite, "Don't Phone Whilst Driving, You'll Fucking Die".

Of course, I'm only joking about that, the "Better Late than Never..." one doesn't exist.

The clock in my hotel room says one-thirty. It's been like that since I got here, about two hours ago. I don't think it is right.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Wednesday 13th April 2011

Just think, if today was Friday it would be the 13th.
But as it is the 13th, and the 1st was not a Sunday it can't be a Friday.
See previous posts for clarification.

Does anyone know what a 'defibrillator' does?
I always thought that it re-started the heart once it had stopped, but no, that is not the correct answer. I'll tell you the correct answer later, if I remember.

I thought of an old maths puzzle earlier today a I was driving along. It's an oldie, but still a goodun.

Three men (could be women, or a mix of both, it doesn't matter), three people go to a restaurant for a meal. The bill comes to £28 and, as they are going 'dutch' the decide to pay £10 each and let the waiter keep the £2 as a tip.
When the waiter goes to put the money in the till, he realises that he has overcharged them and the bill was really £25, so he gives the three people £1 each back and still retains his £2 tip.
This means that the three people have now paid £9 each (£10 initially less the £1 they have just got back).
Three nines are 27, plus the 2 that was the waiter's tip equals £29.
So where did the other quid go?

Answers on a postcard to the usual address, calls cost 50p a minute, local charges may apply.

Anyhoo, a defibrillator actually stops the heart thus allowing it to re-start itself with a regular beat. It normalizes a person's heartbeat by directing a current of unsynchronized electricity into a person's heart, causing it to stop and restart itself. The shock travels through the body's tissues and into the heart, causing the heart to stop for a short time and then, if the procedure goes as intended, to restart itself with a regular rhythm.

So there you go, every day is a learning day.............

Monday, 11 April 2011

Monday 11th April 2011

What a thing.

I saw on t'interweb yesterday that Peter Crouch was marrying his girlfriend, Abbey Clancy, in June of this year, so I wrote a blog about it and said that the wedding was planned for June 31st.
Now, for the less observant of you, there is no June 31st, it simply doesn't exist, which was the main bit of the spoof. The second bit was the 'quote' from Peter himself who 'said' that he wanted to get married on June 31st as it was a very prolific date for him, when many prolific things had happened. This was taken from an interview I once heard with Geri Halliwell who kept saying 'prolific' when she really meant 'profound'.
Anyhoo, I saw on t'interweb today that a lot of gossip t'interweb sites, such as,,, and as well as the online versions of the Mail and the Mirror were all stating that the big day had been planned for the 31st June.

Oh how I laughed.

The story I wrote is one this blog, it was the last post I posted, if you are interested and can be arsed to look.

Not a lot else happened today, and as you know I never make anything up in my diaries. Well you may not know that but you do now. So now you know.

Going to Crockenhill on Wednesday. Crockenhill, all I know is that it is in Kent. Not sure whereabouts but Kent is the 'Garden of England' I suppose. Gardens are OK, as long Idon't have to do the gardening. I can't stand gardening. It doesn't help that I am allergic to grass. If I want to stop itching I have to wear a morph suit. Just picture it, a blazing hot day, the sun high in the sky, not a breeze or a cloud and me in the garden, running around with a lawnmower dressed only in a bright blue morph suit. Got to be careful of the brambles though, wouldn't want to snag anything. Don't think I will wear it on Wednesday, probably wouldn't be the done thing.

I might write a spoof about the sub-editors of newspapers being totally stupid and not knowing how many days there are in the month.............

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Abbey Clancy and Peter Crouch set a Wedding Date

Abbey Clancy and Peter Crouch set a Wedding Date

Sunday 10th April 2011

I have a snoring dog, I think she may have sinus issues. She snores even when she is
awake, more like heavy breathing really, which it probably is of course, but it is like she is constantly snoring. Maybe she is permanently asleep, she is a bit lazy, but maybe she just sleeps all the time and she isn't heavy breathing but actually snoring and also sleepwalking. And sleepeating. And sleeprunning. She even barks in her sleep. She never used to bark, but maybe that was when she was awake. Before she fell asleep.

We had a guest this weekend. Liz's brother. Came all the way from Bristol to go and watch some shit team get beaten by Barnsley. Whilst they were at football I made some chilli poppers. Chilli poppers, for those of you not in the know, are chillies, stuffed with a cream cheese (with extra cheese, pepper and anything else you want really) mix, coated in breadcrumbs (or batter, if that floats your boat (or even neither of the aforementioned) and deep fried (or oven baked). As you can see from all the brackets, the combinations and varieties are endless, you can pretty well do as you like with them, but chillies and cream cheese are a must.
Anyhoo, I used Bird Eye and Scotch Bonnet chillies. Took the seeds out, so they wouldn't be too hot, mixed up some cream cheese, grated cheddar cheese, pepper and paprika. stuffed the chillis with the mix, dipped in egg and then breadcrumbs and deep fried. Absofuckinglutely gorgeous.
When the two of them came back, I offered them some. Didn't actually tell them what they were, I must have forgotten, but there were only Scotch Bonnets left. Liz thought they were too hot, and admitted later that she thought she was gonna be sick and that she thought someone had held a cigarette lighter under her tongue but her brother was a different kettle of fish altogether.
His head turned a bright red and he wanted water. He was flapping around like a proverbial goldfish who's plastic bag has just split on the way home from the funfair. I gave him a glass of milk, but he drank about five gallons of water. He was quiet for while, should have given him some more. I ate a packet of Scotch Bonnets and a pack of Bird Eyes.

I made some more today, and some chilli bombs. I made up the chilli bombs myslef, but they have probably been done before. I used the same cream cheese mix, but added a load of chopped up (deseeded) Scotch Bonnets. Chilled for a while, rolled up into little balls and then 'breadcrumbed' and deep fried. The chilli poppers I made were with Pimento peppers. A bit milder for Liz. They were nice though. The bombs were the fucking bomb though, they really were good. The trick is to dip them in egg, dip them in breadcrumbs and then repeat before frying. Stops the cheese mix seeping out. No one likes seepage. Do they???

Cut the back garden this afternoon. Fuck me that was hard work. It was the first cut of
the year and I had to cut it twice, three times in some places, where it was so long. It took about four hours to complete and now it just looks like it needs cutting, as opposed to looking like it has been abandoned for about twenty four years. Fuck knows when I will cut it again, but at least I have done that first cut now. My hands have blisters mind you, I obviously spend too much time driving my desk and washing up and shit and not enough time doing proper work, but life's a bitch.

A bloke up the road sells sacks of potatoes by the side of the road. Well he doesn't, he sells them by the sackload, but you know what I mean. He has a sign that reads 'Potatoe for sale'. Either he has spelled 'Potatoes' wrong or he has spelled 'Potato' wrong. Either way he had spelled it wrong. Or incorrectly.

Had a bit of salad for tea. That, and a smoked mackerel fillet. I also had some potato salad. The best before date for the potato salad was 9th April but I ate it anyway.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Man Jailed for £4.7m Counterfeit Drug Fraud

Man Jailed for £4.7m Counterfeit Drug Fraud

Friday 8th April 2011

I'm your number one fan.

Went to Belper today, that was fun. Have you ever been to Belper? If you haven't then you aint exactly missing much. I'm sure I even saw a
person with the correct number of fingers, but only on one hand. I couldn't see the fingers on the other hand as he was holding his sister's hand at the time. And his mother's hand. Janet, her name probably was, don't ask me why cause I don't know, I've only been there three times and I don't know everyone's name.

Still the sun was out. The ducks were loving it, floating around in the shit and rubbish infested river type thing. I don't actually know if there is any shit in it, but there might be.

The office I was in was on the third floor of a derelict looking building. A big one, right in
the middle of the town. You probably know it if you have ever been through Belper. Anyhoo, there was a security guard on the door. To stop you nicking bricks out of the wall I presume. Funny thing was, when I got there this morning he opened the door for me and said 'hello' and that was it. I just walked on in. Could have been anyone going anywhere to do anything. Some security guard. Nice enough bloke though, never seemed to mind when I kept disturbing his TV watching to let me in each time I went for a cigarette. I didn't disturb him when he was doing his prayers. Thought it probably wouldn't be the done thing.

I was told I should write more blogs too. IT AINT FUCKING EASY YOU KNOW!!!
You know who you are, this is hard work you know, thinking up interesting and witty things to write about.
Anyways, I think I have a new fan. One who has a baby with perfectly formed feet. And hands. And a huge dummy. And a bright green bogey.

Fuck me, she's got Eastenders on. Not my new found fan but Liz. Although new found fan might do too, I'll have to ask sometime, if I remember. What a crock of shit.
Some spawny looking twat is getting married and some in the crowd are saying how wrong it is and the rest are clapping and looking forward to a piss-up. The groom's mother looks like her face has been blown inside out. Someone else got married too, to an oriental looking bird. Looks a bit dodgy to me.
Fuck me twice. Again. It aint even s'tenders, it's Corrie. I thought the accents were all wrong. It's still shite though.

On the way back from Belper there was a slight traffic jam on the A38. I was about 2 miles away from the M1 when I hit traffic. Well not 'hit', but you know what I mean. I was stuck there for ages and when I got to the roundabout the fucking sliproad was shut. Fuck me lightly, some prick had only gone and crashed his bastard car into a sign so not only did they have to move the car but they had to fix the sign as well. Hope the fucker was hurt. No, I don't mean hurt, I mean injured. No I don't, I mean I hope their pride was dented. Or something like that, the bastard.

So anyway,I had to go about 4000 miles out my way, got home about two hours later than I should have done. Still, it was nice and cool in my black car. Fuck knows how women in Burkas cope.............

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Thursday 7th April 2011

Sonic Boom Boy..............

Thursday already, where do the weeks go. Liz is playing tunes on Ewetoob, some of them quite good for a change. Just had Sigue Sigue Sputnik. Classic tune that.

Now she is playing shit.

Talking of which, I was walking my dog yesterday, the Beautiful Jess, and she did her business, and being the responsible owner I am I whipped out a poo bag and picked it up to deposit it in the dog-poo-bin. All I can say is that it was a good job I had a spare bag, as the first one was split. Unfortunately, I only found this out whilst I was picking the fresh manure up and felt it first hand. Literally. It went all up my fingernail and everything.

I bet on the Spanish lottery tonight. Three numbers, two numbers and one number. Total stake; £3, total potential winnings; £775. I must go and see if I've won. Don't go away (or if you do, to make a cup of tea or something, make sure you come back) I'll be right back.

Nope, didn't win.

Anyhoo, got my Blackberry today. Had to go to the Post Office to collect it as I wasn't in when it was delivered yesterday. So I went to the Post Office only to be told that I was at the wrong one. The one I wanted was the other one in the Village. I didn't even know there were two in the village. Everyday is a learning day I suppose.

Blackberry make quite a big thing about the Blackberry PIN. What am I supposed to do with it?
Am I supposed to give it out to people or keep it a secret?
It's easy to set up though. Put all me email addresses and stuff on there. Much easier to set up than my Galaxy S. I still have that one too, go me, two smart phones, a Galaxy S and a Blackberry Torch. Or Touch or something.

I'm so today.............

Monday, 4 April 2011

Monday 4th April 2011

Happy Mondays.

I was driving south on the A1(M) today and I noticed that the traffic on the north side was stacking up a tad. Eager to know why, as I would be going back up the road a little later, I listened to the traffic news on the radio with bated breath. Apparently there was an 'incident' involving two cars. An 'incident'. A fucking 'INCIDENT'. What the fuck is an 'incident' between two cars? Has one of them 'attacked' the other? Has there been a sexual violation? A mugging perchance? When the fuck did accidents stop and incidents start? what's wrong with a good old fashioned accident. You just don't get them like you used to.
Maybe it's a ploy by the insurance companies to reduce the number of payouts. Maybe they pay less for an incident.

"Bated Breath": what's that all about then?
Well, the word bated, in this saying, is a contraction of abated through loss of the unstressed first vowel. It means “reduced, lessened, lowered in force”, so "bated breath" refers to a state in which you almost stop breathing as a result of some strong emotion, such as terror or awe. It's quite often incorrectly spelled as Baited Breath, but that is just wrong, as 'bated' and 'baited' obviously mean two totally different things, although they sound the same.

It's a bit like the joke, "did you hear about the new TV show to help fat people?" "Gym'll Fix It." It aint funny when it's written but at least it makes sense if you can see it. But if it is just TOLD to you, verbally, it doesn't even make sense. And it still aint funny.

Shakespeare is the first writer known to use it you know, in The Merchant of Venice. Shylock says to Antonio: “Shall I bend low and, in a bondman’s key, With bated breath and whisp’ring humbleness,".

Not the Gym/Jim thing, but the bated thing.

Talking of incorrect spelling and Jimmy Savile, that is normally spelled wrongly too. Savile. Often spelled Saville. As in Row, not row.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Sunday 3rd April 2011

Can't believe it's April already. I can't believe, as well, that it's been a week since I wrote a posting.
I cut my grass today, well I started to. I got the front grass done but then it started to rain so I had to put the mower away. When I saw the rain, I thought that it would be good for the garden, help the grass grow. Then I thought, why the fuck would I want the grass to grow? I've only just cut the bastard stuff. I'm not one of these people who enjoys gardening, so I don't really want the grass to grow back just so I can cut it again. And why do people water their lawns after they have cut the grass. Do they like cutting it? It's like they are taunting the grass, daring it to grow, just so they can cut it again. Grass cutting psychopaths. Make it grow, just to chop it down again.
So after it had started raining, I came in and cut me hair. Notice the cutting theme going on here? Then I had a shower. A shower in the middle of the day, fancy that. Me Dad would probably turn in his grave, if he was dead.
As it had stopped raining, we took the dog out for a walk around Clumber Park. Well not round the whole thing, obviously, as the place is fucking massive, but we had a nice walk. Lots of cyclists. Got back in the car just as it started to rain again.
So I then decided I would make some chilli sauce, cause you can never have enough chilli sauce. Made it with Scotch Bonnet and Bird Eye chillis and it's pretty damn fine, even if I
say so myslef. It's got a bit of a kick, and it tastes real good, what with the pineapple and garlic in it. Who would think that garlic, pineapple and chilli would go so well together?
Then I made a Lasagne, so I've been quite a busy boy, all in all.
Shame I've still got to do the back lawn, but that'll have to wait.

I see Freddie Flintoff has done well since his cricketing retirement. Just seen him on an Asda advert. What a step up from England international cricketer.

I've just been reading 'Talking Nonsense In The UK' a blog by Bad Boy Skoob, and one thing I noticed was the fact that his blog has six followers. SIX!!!
SIX of the fuckers, and one of them is me. And he has only written 14 posts.

Now even if they are good, which they are, and even if they are better than mine, which they invariably are, how come he has SIX FUCKING FOLLOWERS from 14 FUCKING POSTS when I have only the lonely one follower even though I have written 125 posts and had 3325 views????

God I must be shite at this, still gotta keep plugging on, eh.............