Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Wednesday 23rd December 2015

Caffeine Shampoo.

What the fuck is that all about?
You may as well just pour coffee on your head, surely?
Cold coffee though. Hot coffee would burn your scalp and then you'd have to sue yoursen.

They say you have to hurry cause it's moving fast.
I should think so. It's full of caffeine.

Monday, 4 May 2015

Monday 4th May 2015

It's the 4th of May.

T'interweb has been inundated with all sorts of Star Wars shit, but as I'm not a sad cunt I'll not go there.

Just watched the film Lucy.
What a crock of shit that is.
If you've not seen it then I'll not ruin it for you other to say that I have just wasted an hour and a half of my life that I'll never ever get back.
I also wasted £6.99 of my hard earned cash, but that's a different moan for another day.

Can't believe the last time I wrote on here was 14th February.
Valentine's day, if you're that way inclined.
Another bastard waste of money.

I drove from South Yorkshire to East London this evening.
Driving down the A1 I saw signs that told me that there were delays on the M11, between junctions 9 and 10.
Plenty of time to clear, I thought.

A14 was OK. Weather was a bit shit, rain and cloud.
When I left South Yorkshire the sun was out. I'm wearing shorts, it was that fucking warm.
Get south of Grantham and the weather's shit.
Who said that it's grim up north?

Anyhoo, hit the M11 and sure enough all the fucking 50mph signs are lit up.
I'm sure they do it just to fuck people off.
The traffic got a bit heavy and so I was bracing myslef for a huge delay.
You know, trying to pretend to myself that there's nothing you can do about it so you may as well just sit there all calm like when really you just want to punch some fucker and scream CUNTS at the top of your voice.

Before too long I could see blue flashing lights in the distance.
Traffic on my side slowed down but I noticed that the opposite carriage was still free flowing.
Which is fucking typical.

As I got closer to the flashing lights I saw it was two police vehicles, on the hard shoulder, on the opposite bastard side.

The entire fucking hold up was people heading south east rubber-necking what was going on but the people heading away from London couldn't give a toss.

I suppose they are used to it.

If course I didn't look to see what was going on but I did notice that one of the vehicles was the armed police.

I hope some cunt got shot.............

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Saturday 14th February pt2

‎We're in Wetherspoons, slumming it again but hey; the beer is cheap, and I had to climb the many stairs to go to the little boy's room. 

It ain't that little and men use it, but that's not the point. 

There was a bloke in there standing at one of the stones having a wee and sending a text on his mobile phone. 

What a cunt. 

But what is worse is that he had a very old flip phone, one of those with a tiny little screen and only a numerical key pad so you have to press each button multiple times to get the letter you want. 

All I could hear was beep beep beep beep as he pressed the keypad. 

So matey, you a a proper cunt, and I'll explain why. 

You're a cunt for using your phone whilst having a piss. 

You're a cunt for using your phone while I'm having a piss. 

You're a cunt for having a phone that is from the Ark. 

You're a cunt for leaving the keypad tones on and making all those beeping noises. 

All in all, you're a proper cunt...............

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Saturday 14th February 2015

‎Do you know what I hate, what really fucking annoys me?

Quite a lot really, but I'm talking about something in particular. 

People who walk on the right when the signs say "Keep Left" and people who stand on the left side of an escalator. 

I'm primarily talking about train and tube stations I suppose, and obviously the tube stations are in London but the train stations are everywhere, and in particular in-between the tube stations at places like Bank, Kings Cross etc, where you need to keep left for a reason. 

To stop all the fucking idiots rushing around everywhere and colliding into each other. 

I often travel from East London to Doncaster on a Wednesday afternoon. 
For those of you who have never left your village, or even your street, then stop reading now cause there will be all sorts of words you don't really understand, like train and tube and DLR. 

The Docklands Light Railway, for those who don't know, is a very slow moving roller coaster that goes round the east of London without drivers. Or maybe midget drivers, as once reported on

Anyhoo, I go from East India, which is a DLR station not part of a fuck off great big country, ‎to Bank, which is a large, multi-platform station where you can travel on many underground lines as well as the DLR and not somewhere to deposit or withdraw money. 

Fuck me longways people, keep up, do I have to explain everything?
From now on, if you don't understand something the Google the fucker. 

Bank, as I just said, is a large station and you have to walk about a bit to get from platform to platform. 
You have to use escalators. 
Many many other people are doing the same thing. 

I then catch the Northern line to King's Cross which also involves a bit of a walk about‎ and more escalating. 

I don't have a lot of time to do all this and have to (a) walk quickly and (b) walk up and down the escalators. 

So my fucking point is, keep to the bastard left whilst walking around the corridors and stand on the bastard right on the escalator to allow people to walk up the left.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Sunday, 1 February 2015

Sunday 1st February

Pinch and a punch and all that bollocks.

Don't you just hate it when you want to give someone money and they don't seem to want to take it.
I mean, I am already giving them money every month, but I want to give them more.
But only in return for something.

My better half told me not to, told me they were shit, told me their customer services was crap.
I should have listened to her.

She ain't called the better half for nowt.

Anyhoo, I'm talking about Vodafone, the shower of shite.
I was eligible for an upgrade so I went to the shop in town.
I really fucking hate going to town cause the lifts in the car park take about half a bastard hour to arrive and then by the time they do arrive so have around thirty other people who all need the lift.

So you have to stand there for 30 minutes, getting agitated, and then you have to squeeze into a little metal box that groans down the one floor to the middle of Debenhams.

You might wonder why I don't just take the stairs.
"Run down the stairs you lazy cunt", I hear you shout, "it's only one floor."
Well I can't, cause the bright bastards in the shopping centre have shut them off, made them emergency stairs only.

So, after getting all agitated waiting for the lift, and then getting all sweaty in the lift with 36 other people, I finally get to the Vodafone shop, choose the new sparkly funky shiny handset I want and go to one of the desks.

All going ok so far, the assistant gets the handset, apologises as they only have it in black (do I look like I want a white fucking phone?) and starts to take my details.

This is where it starts to go wrong for the fuckwits that are Vodafone.
I don't mean the woman in the shop, she was ok, friendly enough and she was only doing as the computer said. And in this case, the computer said "no".

Why? Why? Because I have the phone on a business account, registered to a limited business at that.
This means, obviously, that I cannot get an upgrade in the shop, I have to do it on-line or call customer services.

Well fuck calling anyone, I'll be on hold for 3 fucking hours listening to shitty music and a message telling my how important my call is.
I know it's important, that's why I made it.
It ain't that fucking important to you though Vodafone, is it, otherwise you would answer.

So I go on-line.

"You are wasting your time," the better half tells me, "their customer service is shite"

I went on line on 24th January and, almost immediately, got a reply.

HA! Ha ha! Shite customer service eh, a reply almost immediately. How is that shite customer service?

Well it was. It was shite.

It was an automated email reply from a 'do not reply' address telling me that my enquiry had been received, was very important and would be passed onto the customer service team. I was to expect a reply in 48hrs.

Two things, Vodafone, two things.

Firstly, who the fuck did I send the email to in the first place if you are forwarding it onto the customer service team? Why not just give me the email address of the customer service team in the first place?

Secondly, where is my reply, you cunts.
Saturday 24th January to Sunday 1st February is a little longer than 48hrs, even if you take out the weekends, which I shouldn't have to do as your shops open at weekends.

So it's been over a week and you haven't replied, even though you claim my business is important to you.
Not important enough to let me get a better handset and pay you more money than I already do though, eh.

Hurry up and get in touch, ya bastards, so I can cancel my contract and go with EE, or O2, or someone.

Saturday, 31 January 2015

Saturday 31st January

‎Short but sweet. 

Just watched the advert for some Warburton bread product that is supposed to help you lose weight. 

You fucking well walked around for the entire length of the advert without taking a bite of your sarnie you wanker, so you're gonna lose weight if you don't eat owt aren't you, ya cunt.................

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Saturday, 24 January 2015

Saturday 24th January 2014

How to Park Like a Complete Wanker
Well I'm sat sitting here on a Saturday night watching shite on the telly. 
Total and utter shite. I really don't know why I'm watching it. 

The shitty fucking shite programme in question is "Take Me Out" and, whilst normally crap, is even more so tonight due to the fact that there is a 'posh' bloke on it called Archie. 

I used to be called Archie, many years ago. Allegedly due to the fact that I looked like Archie from Emmerdale Farm. 

This was back in the day before they changed the name of it from Emmerdale Farm to Emmerdale. 
They changed it to make it more appealing to non-farmers apparently. 

And Archie, from Emmerdale Farm was a lot cooler than Archie from Take Me Out. 

As an aside, I used to go out with a girl called Emma Dale when I was younger, so there's a connection too. 

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.