Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Wednesday 27th July 2011

I always flirt with death, I look ill but I don't care about it.

I think today is 'Flying Ant Day'. There is always a day in the year, isn't there, when all the flying ants in all the World decide to fly out of their scabby nest and shag each other. Always at the same time too. All over me facking kitchen they were this afternoon, next to the boiler. Must be the heat I suppose.
It's all to do with temperature, humidity and windspeed and time of year, you know. And after the queen gets suitably shagged they fall to the floor and their wings fall off. Then the male dies. Which is good, cause I fucking hate ants.

I was watching that programme about the British weather and they reckoned that the big supermarkets use the weather to work out what stock to shove on the shelves. When it rains no one buys Lettuce, but when it warms up then everyone wants BBQ stuff. Allegedly it has to be 24 degrees in London for this to happen but only 20 degrees in Scotland.

Anyhoo, they didn't predict fucking National fucking Flying fucking Ant day, did they cause they had run out of ant killer when I went in there earlier this afternoon to get some. Bastards.

Reading again tomorrow. Hope I see more Red Kites as I am taking me camera this time and will have to stop to take some photos. And no Liz, I don't mean the diamond shape things that small children and mad extreme sportsmen fly.............

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Tuesday 26th July 2011

I see dead people.......

I had to go into Grantham today, to the place I used to work. One of the people that still
works there is into chilli sauces, as I am, told me that he had a sauce that I would like. It was a Firefoods sauce, and Infinity sauce is really good (in my humble opinion), a sauce that goes with everything. Now this sauce was 'Infinity and Beyond' so I expected it to be a little stronger. It certainly smelled better than Infinity, at least I think so but then again I really cannot stand the smell of vinegar. This one has a more tomatoey smell. Well I poured some out, and as it is not too thick, more than I expected came out. Ben assured me that I would be alright though, as I like a bit of chilli.

Fuck me up and down and back to front, in it went and very soon after came the hiccups and the runny nose and my tongue and throat started to burn. It was a tad hotter than I expected it to be, but I'm guessing it would be nice in a tomato based sauce, on a pizza etc. A toasted cheese sandwich would be better for it too, I reckon. May have to buy some. I'm sure if you clicked on the link at the top right of this page (for 'Firefoods', you plonk) then they would be more than happy to sell you some too.

On the way home I made the stoopid schoolboy error of itching my eye. Yup, with the finger I had been sticking in the 'Infinity and Beyond' sauce. Bugger me backwards that stung. Not content with doing one eye, about five minutes later I did the other one too. What a prick.

I made some nice stuffed peppers tonight. Got some sweet peppers, cut them in half and filled with cream cheese. The cream cheese had paprika and bird eye chilli in and then I topped it off with cheese, whacked it in the oven for fifteen minutes or so and Robert's your Father's brother.
Did some with a few Scotch Bonnets too. Same filling, different pepper. Liz and Chezza weren't too keen on the Bonnets though, a little too spicy for them. Chezza is our VIP guest tonight, for those of you who don't know.

I made sure that there were no eye rubs tonight though.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Monday 25th July 2011

Happy Monday.....

Went to Reading for my weekly Monday site visit and was disappointed that I only saw
one Red Kite on the way down and none on the way back.
Now I don't mean diamond shaped cloth things attached to bits of string with long tails with bows on them, but the bird of prey, as can be seen on the right.

I'm a bit confused at the moment. Can anyone tell me what film is currently on Channel 5 at the moment (2100hrs) as the EPG says it is Swordfish, but I have seen Swordfish and I don't remember the bit that I am watching at the moment (ie, the first 42 minutes!!!).
Maybe it'll come back to me. Maybe the last time I watched it was back in my alcohol days, but John hasn't turned up yet and the film is nearly three quarters of an hour old.
Maybe he is flying one of his planes somewhere exotic.

Apparently when they decided to feature a TVR Tuscan in the film as Travolta's character's vehicle of choice, the director insisted that they leave the English registration plates on as they made the car look 'exotic'.

That's twice now I have used the word 'exotic', how exotic of me.

Twice, so good they named it twice.

Still haven't remembered the great thought I had for a subject to write about. That is how good an idea it was, obviously. Who knows, it may come back to me one day. Probably at a time when I have no means of making a note of it and I will forget about it again before I can wrote about it.

I'll let you know if the film turns out not to be Swordfish, and let you know what actually is.
If I find out.............

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Saturday 23rd July 2011

Somebody stick a fork in me, I'm stuffed.

On Sky news, it has just been reported that a friend of Amy Winehouse has put on twatter "I can't even breathe right now I am so sad". She can't breathe but she can still summon up the energy to log onto Twatter and type.

I was sitting in Costa Coffee today, well that's a lie as I was sitting outside Costa Coffee today but you know what I mean, when I thought of a great subject to write about in today's blog. It was that fucking good that I cannot for the life of me remember what it was.

Maybe it's old age.

I've just seen an advert for Durex on the tele. On Film4 it was. Is that allowed? Not that I have anything against it, I'm not a prude or owt, but I have never seen one on the tele before. It wasn't racy or anything like that, no pictures of an erect penis, not even a cucumber, but it was just a bit unexpected.

Thanks for all the photographs of Gorillas and stuff, by the way, and all the competition entries and enquiries. The response was underwhelming,
I have never seen such apathy. Mind you, I'm guessing that most people that read this probably replied, so if you didn't then YOU must be in a minority. Do you feel left out? Don't stress about it, aint no biggy.

I still can't think what it was that I was going to write about, hence the rambling.

I don't mind rambling, but I need to buy a new pair of boots. Can't really see myslef walking across the Peak District or through the Lakes in a blue or silver pair of winkle-pickers.

No one has bought me that coffee machine either, so thank you very much for that.

I'm gonna go now, hopefully I will remember what it was I was going write about today tomorrow and write about it then. If I remember it later I will make a note about it so I don't forget. Unless I am sleeping and dreaming about it and then I'm really fucked as I never remember my dreams.

By the way, the second photograph, it's a sleeping ladybird. I took it this morning whilst I was walking Jezebel. The first one, that's knitting. Liz chose it off t'interweb.............

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Thursday 21st July 2011

Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday dear Pater
Happy Birthday to you...

I am currently watching 'Grand Designs' and the house on there looks OK on the inside but is fucking awful from the outside. When I saw it looks OK on the inside, it aint my cup of tea, but then I don't like tea, I'm more of a coffee man.

It's my Dad's birthday, if you hadn't guessed from the opening verse, so if you all want to wish him the happiest returns then please feel free to do so and I will pass any good wishes on. If you send bad wishes then I will keep them to myslef and put a hideous curse upon you that will result in your having to live the rest of your lives with the utmost pain and suffering.

I won't, of course, as I'm not a witch or a wizard or owt, but the sentiment is there.

It's my birthday soon, and what I would really really like is a De'Longhi Perfecta ESAM5500 Bean To Cup Coffee Machine. Anyone wishing to buy me one can send it to the usual competition address, only don't worry about a SAE. Unless it is faulty and then I may want to send it back.
If you are sending from abroad and want to save on postage, send me the air fare, which would be cheaper to post than a coffee machine, and I will come and collect it.
It may look expensive (£605 on the UK version of Amazon) but if you think about it, it will last a long time. If it lasted 10 years then it only works out at £60.50 per year. That's only £5.04 per month or £1.16 a week.
I spend more than a month's worth every time I go to Costa, if I get a cake as well and I'm quite partial to cake. So it's quite a cheap option really.

Torchwood is on now. I haven't watched it before, but Liz has. It seems very Americanised to me but Liz tells me it hasn't always been like this. They are even having a 'Season' instead of a 'Series' so I find that a bit dubious. I'll stick with it though, for a couple of weeks anyhoo.

I have entered a Photo competition. I may have mentioned it before. Ironically the three prizes are all cameras. If you feel like it, and want to show your undying love for me, then please visit the following and click on the 'Like' button. I don't think the criteria is that the one with the most 'Likes' wins, but it may get my photo noticed by the judges.

I rescued a bird today. A starling. It had got one of it's feet tangled up in a bit of thread and my dog came quite close to eating it. So I rescued it twice really. Once from a reasonably quick death in the jaws of Jezebel and once from a slow and painful death from starvation.
I'm a hero in my own mind.............

Not sure if the link, above, to my photo works. If it doesn't, then here it is again:

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Wednesday 20th July 2011

Where have you been...?

Is it good form to overtake a fire engine?
I was driving along the motorway the other day when a fire engine pulled onto it from a sliproad ahead of me. Well these things may have blue flashing lights and loud sirens but they don't drive very fast. So there I was in a bit of a dilemma. A quandary, you may say. Should I stay behind it and reduce my speed, probably be late for wherever it was I was going, or should I overtake it and run the risk of committing a a grave faux pas?

So I thought 'fuck it, fuck the possible faux pas' and overtook it.
No one shouted at me and I didn't even feel like anyone stared. Not in a bad way anyhoo.

Now hearses, that's a different matter. Isn't it?
I overtook one once, in Bristol. I'm sure someone beeped their horn at me in disgust, don't know who it was, but wouldn't it have been ironic if it were the hearse.
But, fuck me lengthways, don't they drive slowly? No wonder everyone in them is late!! (do ya see what I did there?!?)

I can't actually remember if I have written about overtaking the fire engine before, so if I have, and if you actually read it, then I apologise. If you haven't read it before it must be for two reasons. Either I haven't writ it or you haven't bothered yer arse reading all of the previous posts. If it's the latter, then I don't apologise and you can go and.............

I went Gorilla spotting in Bristol on Saturday. Saw a fair few, but not all of them. There are about 50 of them around the city but they are not causing havoc or owt. They are reasonably well behaved really.
Someone's been setting fire to them though. Pricks. Why would you do that?
Some will say, "it's because they have nothing else to do, they are bored", but the people that say that are just fuckwits. In my opinion, they are nearly as bad as the people they are condoning.

I was brought up in England's smallest city. There was absolutely fuck all to do, but I didn't go around setting fire to Gorillas. I wouldn't have dreamt of it.
I may have got drunk alot and done some other slightly naughty things but I would never have set fire to even one Gorilla, let alone three.
Mind you, there weren't any Gorillas around at the time. Not in Wells, not in the late seventies/early eighties anyhow.
Don't think there are now either, or if there are they must hide every time I go back there.

If any of you see any where you are, let me know. Send me a photograph to and I'll post them on here.

No prizes or fuck all, just the dubious honour of having a photo of a Gorilla posted on the best(?) blog on t'interweb.............

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Wednesday 13th July 2011

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie....

Godinheavenhelpme, I went to get some petrol today. That's a lie, it was diesel but you know what I mean. Anyhoo, I went to Tesco to get it. I had to go there because I had a voucher that gave me 5p a litre off. Not only that, but the diesel there is £1.36 a litre. It's actually advertised as £1.35.99 but that's a load of bollocks really aint it.
I nearly ran out as the little light thing telling me that I was low on fuel came on last night. I get two warnings, the first to say that I am getting a bit low and the second to say that I am basically out of diesel and am now running on fumes.
The first warning sounded last night when I was on the way home from work. I work 25 miles from home so I figured that I would get some today. The second warning came on this morning going to work, but I wanted to get to Tesco on the way home as I had the voucher.
It was a bit twitchy though, driving 50 odd miles wondering if I was going to run out.

Now as I was pulling up I thought "£1.35, that's cheap, it's £1.41 up the road." But as I was filling up and the price went over £50 with no sign of the cut off I began to have a change of opinion. £1.35 for a litre of fucking diesel?!? Cheap??? My arse. I remember when people complained when the price threatened to go above £1 a litre. Uproar there was. Now we think we are lucky if we can get it for less than £1.40.

Watching a programme on the tele as I write this. It's about people going to A&E who have had serious or not so serious injuries. Crushed by a Cherry Picker (MEWP (Mobile Elevated Working Platform)). Falling through glass windows. Cutting off limbs. Throwing up. Etc etc. Before that, there was a programme about strange children who wouldn't eat anything but Custard Creams or kicked their brother cause they were getting bullied at school or sneaked out of their bedroom at night to paint their faces with lipstick. Now I have to ask myslef two questions: Why the fuck do they show these programmes and why the fuck do I watch them. Why the fuck do people agree to appear in them too?
I know, that's three questions, but there you go.

Let sleeping dogs lie. What is the thing about that saying?
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy sleeping dogs has all the letters of the alphabet or something, but what is so special about the sleeping dogs thing?

Answers on a postcard to the usual address please.............

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Are you the one? You never know when you’ll encounter an ange... on Twitpic

Are you the one? You never know when you’ll encounter an ange... on Twitpic

Tuesday 12th July 2011

I'll be a Karaoke Queen.......

Bit of a freakin jet-setter, me. I flew into Manchester Airport at 0130hrs Saturday, went to Silverstone for the Grand Prix Sunday, was in Reading Monday and Grantham and Wombwell today. What will tomorrow bring, I wonder?

My Mum never ceases to amaze me. When she sends text messages in text speak. I am going down to see her this weekend, she lives in Somerset now, having moved there from Redcar back in 1974, and she text me today: "wot time u cumin fri? nd 2 no b4 2moz 2 gt bd redi".

I mean, it's amazing enough that she actually knows how to use a mobile phone. She's 73 years of age, for fucks sake (or maybe I should say ffs) she should at least know how to speak properly. I blame my sister. She taught her how to do it. But even she is 47. She should know better too.

I had forgotten how good Catatonia are. I bought a CD of theirs at the weekend and was listening to it today. Well both of them, as it is a double CD. Strange Glue, Mulder & Scully, etc etc.

Snorkelling was fucking A last week. Liz did really well, putting her face in the water and breathing and everything. It was like being in a fuck off big huge fish tank. Schools (or is that shoals) of fish were swimming right around you and underneath you and stuff. Not really surprising seeing as we were in the sea. There were these goldfish things, millions of them swimming around the coral. Just like your everyday goldfish but with really really bright blue eyes. Not like the ones you get at the funfair. You know, the ones that die after about half an hour and you are left walking home with a bag full of water and something that looks like a wet carrot.

My forehead has peeled something chronic. Just around the hairline. It went all blotchy brown, then flaky, then I picked at it for two days solid, now it is milky white. I look like a right fucking monger. Still, could be worse. Fuck knows how, but I'm sure it could.

I there must have been a population explosion in Hartlepool as I have, over the last couple of days, either got friend requests or friend recommendations by the bucketload. Still I'm not complaining. It's good to talk aint it?

Anyhoo, I'm off for a tab now, who knows when I'll return.............

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Tuesday 5th July 2011

And the winner is.............

I forget what day it is at the moment. I went on a camel ride yesterday, a proper one this time, done by professionals and not thieving gypsy Egyptian bastards. It was in the Sinai Desert and it was fucking hot. And fucking uncomfortable. Oh, and I forgot to mention I had the shits for the first part of the day. Right up until about an hour before we went.

I took some Imodium and that seemed to bung me up, but the camel ride weren't the comfiest, not by a long chalk. Hot, dusty and my guts sloshing around, not a great feeling.

Still had some more black tea stuff at the Bedouin's tent. Different Bedouin tent this time, they made this bread stuff too, which they cooked on a dome shaped metal thing suspended over an open fire. Tasted a bit like burnt bread. Nowt that special really.

Was asked by one of the holiday reps today when we arrived at the resort. When I told her that we arrived over a week ago she gave me that disbelieving look that women give so well and claimed, "but you look so white!".

Well thanks alot bitch. Russian bitch. Thanks very fucking much for pointing that out in your whiny Russian voice so everyone around all six swimming pools in the resort can hear.
I'm English, I don't frequent fake tan shops, I burn and then I peel and then I revert to white.

Still, you should see the two Scottish boys. It has taken about a week for one of them to actually turn white.

I have booked a day on a yacht tomorrow. Sail off somewhere and do a bit of sunbathing out in the Red Sea. And a bit of snorkelling.
It cost over a hundred quid, for the two of us, which I don't mind as it will be a nice day.
But Liz tells me today that, whilst she is out swimming, she cannot put her head under the water as she is scared. She hasn't been able to do it for years. Oh and also, she thinks she is scared of swimming in the sea.

How the fuck she is gonna manage tomorrow, Gawd knows.

Should be interesting.............

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Sunday 3rd July 2011

Not a cloud in the sky.............

Well it's Sunday already. Over half the holiday over and then that'll be it for another fourteen years.

We went for a walk along the road outside the resort the other day, to have a look at some of the shops. We had previously been told about how the shop owners will try to get you into their shops and the stories weren't wrong. I think everyone in Egypt who owns a shop has a relative or knows someone who lives in England.
One bloke wanted me to write a recommendation in English to stick in his shop window. He already had one in Russian. I hadn't even been in his shop, but it looked like it was full of tat, just like the majority of the others. I was so very tempted to write something for him, just to go back the next day to see if it was there. It would have gone along the lines of:

"This shop is probably the best shop in Sharm el Sheik. If you want the biggest load of tat that is probably made in China, where the four year old boy who makes it has never seen a real camel and doesn't know (or care) what the pyramids are, then this is the shop for you. The owner says he has a cousin who lives in West Ham, don't believe him. He thinks West Ham is in Kent. Enter this shop and you will not leave with all your money, only worthless crap that no one wants."

I wonder if he would ever get it checked? I may go back tomorrow and write one for him.

We went quad biking yesterday. That was good fun. Liz didn't want to drive her own, but you could book a double. It wasn't until we had our first stop that I saw the sticker on the back of the quad in front. This one also had two people on it. The sticker was in English and said: "Under no circumstances carry passengers. This may result in serious injury or even death."
Oh well, we weren't in England I suppose. I would have worried if it was in Egyptian.
We stopped in a genuine Bedouin camp half way through the trip. That was nice. They gave us some traditional Bedouin tea. Supposedly, this drink helps dicky stomachs and heads and the like. Tasted just like black tea to me. Not PG tips either.
We felt like we had to drink it though. They may have got offended otherwise, and we were in the middle of the desert in their own home.

I fell for my first Egyptian con today. Dirty bastard camel owner.
We were walking towards the jetty that stretches out beyond the coral reef on the beach when one of the thieving twats asked my if I wanted to photograph his camels. I told him I would on the way back, thinking that he would expect some money to let me do it, but I was happy to give him 20EL (£2). So we went along the jetty, had a look at the fish, of which there are many, and one the way back went to photograph the camels. There were three of them, two adults and a baby. They were all led on the beach and it would have made a nice photo. Before I knew it, the man was virtually man-handling Liz onto one of the beasts so I could take a photo. Next thing, he took the camera and told me to stand in front of the camel so he could take a picture of me and Liz together. Next thing I know I am on the other fucking camel and we are walking along the beach.
We walked for about 100 feet along the beach, turned around and came back. The dirty stinking thieving fuckwit bastard then asked me for 300EL (£30). I thought he was selling me the bastard animals. Eventually I had to pay him 200EL.
The funny thing is, we have already paid for a proper camel ride in the Sinai Desert tomorrow. At least we have got a bit of practice in, I suppose.

Off to dinner now. Hope there will be some traditional Egyptian food tonight, like pizza or pasta or something. There's a KFC and Maccy D's down the road, but we have resisted the temptation thus far.............