Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Tuesday 31st August 2010

I was in Somerset at the weekend and I saw a sign for 'Pig & Donkey Races'.
Now if that wasn't bizarre enough, these races were being held on every Tuesday between July 27th and August 31th.

Yep, that's right, the 31th of August.

I had to get a running machine treadmill thing from my car into my house tonight.
It doesn't matter which door I use, I have three steps to climb to get in.
Fuck me those things are heavy.
Anyway, struggle to get it up to the front door and the bastard thing won't fit through the door.
Drag it down the drive, across the back garden, up the three steps onto the patio, across the patio and then have a game of fucking twister with it to get it through the back door.

I bet the fucking thing won't work now, all that lumping around.
Fuck it, I don't want to use it anyway, it's too much like hard work.

Sun was out today, I was stuck in a tin box.
One of those thief proof porta cabins.
Who'd want to nick one of those fuckers anyway?
They ain't the prettiest.
Would look a bit cuntish at the bottom of your garden.

Unless you were a green metal box collector.
You'd think it was a bit of a prize then.
Your own big bit of green.

Why have treadmill walking machines anyway?
Go for a walk, get a bit of fresh air.
Suppose the risk of being mugged is lessened in your own house.
Depending on where you live of course.
Or you get mugged off buying the pissing thing in the first place.

I didn't.
At least I don't think so.
I guess I'll find out if the poxy thing doesn't work.
If I ever use it.

I may just use it to walk the dog. Let her loose on it during the day when I'm not here.
It would stop her getting bored and licking her private parts.
Well, stop her getting bored anyway.

She may not like the noise. I may have to get special doggy ear muffs.
I wonder if you can get them?
I bet you can.
On t'interweb.

Monday, 30 August 2010

Saturday 28th August 2010

Fuck me, I've been trying to write this post since Saturday and it's now Monday night.

I can't fucking remember what I was going to write now.

Fuck shit bollocks cunt.............

Monday 30th August 2010

Fuck this blog shit, I've been trying to write something at least four times a day since my last post and it wouldn't let me.
I thought I'd been kicked off for being too boring or something but maybe it was just a warning.

Does everyone see colours as the same colour?
And I'm not talking about people who are colour blind, but everyday non-colour blind people.
What colour is grass?
It's green, but how do you know that you see green as I see green?
The green that you see may be the same colour as I see the sky, which I see as blue.
We only know that green is green because we've been told that it is, we've been told that grass is green and sky is blue etc.
How our individual eyes interpret the colours is unknown.
If I lost the sight in one of my eyes and had a transplant with one of yours, would I see the same colours.
Would I see different colours with my two different eyes?

Trees could be purple and the sky yellow, sand could be green and roads magenta.

I need a time machine.
I'm currently driving home along the M5, but don't worry I'm driving hands free, but I've got about three and a half hours to go.
So I wish I had a time machine.

Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

Saturday, 28 August 2010

Friday 27th August 2010

I'm hungry and I'm in the South West of England.

This isn't how it was supposed to be. It's not how I envisaged it.
When I first started I was going to write a blog of my life.
But my life, since losing my job in the insurance industry, is so boring it bored me to write about it.
I simply write down my thoughts now, it saves arguing about it.

God only knows what the millions of you who read this on a regular basis must have first thought.
Who am I trying to kid.

My first two statements were not linked, by the way.
I just thought about them at the same time.
Multi tasking, who said it was only women who could do it.

Today I have mostly been eating cake.
I could market it as a new fad diet.
The Cake Plan.
Not all cake is unhealthy, surely.

I was on another website recently and I saw a button at the top of the page which said "become a writer".
I keep going back and clicking on it but nothing has happened yet.

Why do so many buses run at night with so few people on?
Maybe the bus company could tell me.
But I doubt it.

You can lead a horse to water but a church roof should be lead.


Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Tuesday 24th August 2010

Voice enhancement. I was talking to someone at work today and I kept thinking that his voice sounded a tad odd.
As he spoke he kept sounding like he was being possessed, momentarilly, by a robot.
It wasn't until afterwards that I realised that he was using auto-tune to enhance his speech.
Now I realise that second, or even third, rate singers have a penchant for using this digital trickery in a vain attempt to sound acceptable, but for the ordinary man on the street??
I don't know.

Would you implode or explode in space?
I used to think you would implode but I reckon you would do the opposite as the pressure is greater inside you that in outer space.
However, under water, really really deep underwater, deeper than your average swimming pool, you would probably implode due to the water pressure.
Implode or just crush?
Maybe it wouldn't be an implosion but more like an impounded car, crushed to a small cube.

If you could fly fast enough, faster than a speeding bullet, and flew into space and started to do loads and loads of loop the loops, do you think you could create a black hole?
And if you did create one, would you be flying fast enough to escape it's gravitational pull?
If a black hole has a gravitational pull, which I'm sure it does.

Just to be sure, I'm gonna try it out and I'll let you know the results when I get back.

Right now, I'm tired so I'm going to sleep.

Monday, 23 August 2010

Monday 23rd August 2010

Dragon's Den.
Wouldn't it be more fun if they used real dragons?
Ones that actually breathed fire.
If they got numpties in front of them, numpties that were really stupid, then they would simply incinerate them.
Puff and they would be gone.
Just little piles of ash on the floor that the geeky presenter has to come and clean up with a little dust pan and brush.
What's his name?
It'll come to me.

Apparently one of the best ways to fix your mobile phone, should it get wet, is to use a vacuum cleaner to suck the moisture out.
I must remember to carry a fucking Dyson around with me next time it looks like rain.

Have you ever mixed up two products by mistake, with disastrous results?
I was up very early this morning, quarter to bastard five to be precise, and was in the bathroom.
I went to have a shave, but got the shaving gel mixed up with the new style toothpaste I just bought and smeared minty paste all over my face.
Not content with that, I went downstairs and made a cup of coffee, putting two spoons of bicarbonate of soda in instead of sugar.

Evan Davies.

The funny thing is, I don't take sugar.

Still, despite all that, I still managed to drive 520 miles in the pouring rain with the indicators on all the way instead of the windscreen wipers.

I think all five Dragons should present Blue Peter, with Evan Davis playing the theme tune on a comb and tissue combo.

I'm going to try and find a new box to live in.
This ones got a bit wet in the rain.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Sunday 22nd August 2010

They say variety is the spice of life.
What happens if you don't like spicy food?
Shouldn't it be something like 'variety is the thing that makes your life more interesting'
Not so catchy, I grant you, but more accurate.

Or is it?

Pizza could be a suitable replacement for variety.
Pizza is the spice of life.

But pizza doesn't have to be spicy of course.
It can be, but it doesn't have to be.
And that's the point.
Pizza can be anything you want it to be.

You start with a bready base and add a tomato sauce.
There's your two staples, bread and veg (I know a tomato is a fruit or something) and the basis for anything you want.

Add cheese, onion, mushroom, peppers, anything.
Or be exotic and try olives or anchovies.
Be hot and add chilli peppers and spicy sausage.
Or be weird and try pineapple or artichoke.

You can eat pizza every day of the week and have something different each time.

Or you could have fish and chips.

We all know about rock salt, but what about rocks themselves?
Did you know there is a type of sandstone made from grit.
It's called gritstone and it's very good for making millstones.
So millstones are made from gritstone which is really sandstone.

The weather shapes it, so I don't really see how it's any good for making flour.
You'd think the flour would get sand in it.
Or grit.

Maybe that's how the Americans make their world famous disgusting breakfast fodder, with the imaginative name of............Grits.

Americans are funny folk, aren't they?
Not in a funny way, but in a funny way.
If you know what I mean.

But that's a story for another time.......

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Saturday 21st August 2010

My elder son once asked me how old he was when he was born.
I thought this was just a stupid question from a young boy and I laughed.
I laughed a lot.

But if you think about it, it's quite a good question.
Technically you are nine months old when you pop out of your mothers nether regions (give or take).
Therefore on your first birthday you are around 21 months old.
But you couldn't celebrate your birthday three months after you were born, even though you are twelve months old, because a birthday is the anniversary of the day you popped out.

So what do we do?

The queen realised this years ago and that's why she has two birthdays.
One celebrates the day she appeared out of the royal fanny and the other celebrates her true age.

This means we are all 9 months older than we think we are.
Apart from people like my younger daughter who was born a month early, so she is just 8 months older.

No one comments on my blogs, not one comment on one posting.
Mind you, I'm pretty sure no one reads this shit.

So, if you are reading this then please make a comment.
It doesn't have to be a good comment.
It doesn't have to be a nice comment.
Just any old comment.

See, I was right, no one has commented yet.
Just as I thought.

Friday, 20 August 2010

Friday 20th August 2010

Do Chinese people eat English food at the weekend?
Do they treat themselves to an 'Engly'?
Or maybe they have a full English on a Saturday morning.

What about Indian people living in France?
Would they have a continental breakfast?
And would it be called a continental breakfast in France, by French people?

Le petit dejeuner de la continent maybe.
Or perhaps just a croissant?

What would happen if a family of German speaking Indians were living in France and fancied some foreign food.
What would they eat?
Especially if they were vegetarians living on an organic farm.

Wind up torches are all the rage these days.
I've invented a solar power torch so you don't need to waste energy winding things up.
It's got a solar panel from the roof of a derelict bungalow which powers the 25w bulb.
I've not worked out how to store the solar energy yet so it only works when the sun is out.

And it's pretty big.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Thursday 19th August 2010

Smoking Kills.
They're not a bad band, you should check them out.
I think you have to google 'The Smoking Kills' otherwise you get health warnings from the gobblement.

I don't really know who I think I'm talking to when I say "you should check them out" etc, cause no one reads this shit.

However smoking really does kill apparently.
It has been scientifically proven that 100% of all people die.
I smoke and I guess I will die too one day.

The photos that they put on tobacco products, such as black gummy toothless mouths are supposed to put people off.
I'm hoping that if I smoke enough my teeth will look that good.

I blame my childhood.
For everything.

Everything that had happened in my life can be traced back to my childhood.
Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad childhood, it's just where it all began.

So I blame childhood for smoking and bad teeth.

And everything else.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Monday 16th August 2010

Jacket Potatoes: Best cooked in the microwave or the oven?
Personally I start mine off in the microwave and finish them of in the oven.
Speed coupled with crispness.

My barbecue fell apart today.

I used to try and save time every morning by going to the toilet before I got up.
Now I find it much more economical on the time if I combine my shit, shave and shower.
With just a slight adjustment of the shower head, you get a bidet thrown in.

If you want to save money as well as time, a good start is to recycle water.

This can be a bit tricky, and you have to watch you don't spill water over the kitchen floor, as you may slip and fall and even hurt yourself, thus potentially making it even thriftier as you may end up in hospital and therefore wouldn't have to use, or pay for, your own water.

However, with a bit of due care and attention, this is something the whole family can take part in, making it a fun thing to do on a rainy day!
First, find a bucket, a barrell or any other container.
Size, ladies, DOESN'T matter, not in this case anyway, as the bigger the recepticle the more water you can collect but the heavier it will be when you come to carry it.

Anyhow, place the container in a place where it is likely to catch falling rain.
Under a carport roof is not recommended as the chances of water collection are remote, unless the roof leaks.

Once your container has water in it, take it to the kitchen and transfer the rain water to a saucepan or stockpot.

Cover the pan with a specially adapted lid that has a plastic tube coming out of it, about oh I don't know about 10 metres long, and make sure the tube can reach your fridge.

Place approximately 6 metres of the tube inside the fridge as best you can and coil it up with the end going into a glass, dish or something similar.

No turn up the heat on the stove and watch in amazement when the water turns to steam and the steams goes into the tube and then when it cools in the fridge it turns back to water again.

I once saw this on Ray Mears Goes Walking in the Desert (or some similarly named programme) and have adapted it for modern day living.

It didn't actually work for me, but I am sure with a bit of practice I can produce a bit of drinking water.

Once the 3rd degree burns on my hand subside a bit.................

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Saturday 14th August 2010

Public school: good or bad?

Scientists, of a certain persuasion claim that drinking coffee late at night could keep you awake.
Something to do with the caffeine.
I often drink coffee last thing at night but as long as I'm tired enough I have no problem dropping off.

I once heard that Bill Gates is richer than gravity.
If he put all his money under his bed, and then fell off said bed he would start to fall like a parachutist.
If, then, the interest earned on his money was added to the stash already under the bed, but the floor went down to accommodate the extra cash, then Mr Gates would never hit the floor, thus proving said theory.

Mick 'spinach tooth' Hucknell's adage about money being too tight to mention was not quite right in this instance.

Was semaphore ever a useful form of communication?
Even in the days before emails, text messages and morse code, surely waving flags about whilst standing on the bow of a ship in a force ten was a bit of a bind?
It would have taken so long that the ship would crash or something, wouldn't it?

I've not seen any shooting stars this week but I have just watched two old episodes on one of the repeat channels.
Dave, probably.

Oil of Ulay.
Opal Fruits.
What do these things have in common?
Answers will cost £10 per minute and any entries received after tomorrow will not be counted but we'll keep your money.

Friday, 13 August 2010

Friday 13th August 2010

On Friday 13th many people stay in bed.
Superstitious people.
Stupid people.

Once upon a time it was thought to be ok to walk under a ladder as long as you held your left ear until you saw a woman wearing a black hat.
What happened if you didn't see one that day and your hand came off your ear whilst you slept?
You may never wake up.

Is rock salt salt that is shaped like little rocks or is it salt that has been made on rocks.
Are there loads of little criminals who have to break up big rocks of salt into little rocks with little sledge hammers?

Cigarettes were first discovered by the Chinese.
Not many people are aware of that fact.
They used to grow tobacco in the paddy fields and one caught on fire.
Breathing in the smoke, the elderly chinese supervisor nipped down to the corner shop and bought a packet of fags.

The chinese invented bamboo as well, apparently.

Shooting Stars every night for a week.
Vic and Bob are gonna be so tired.
I hope they will be able to cope........

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Tuesday 10th August 2010

I've got adverts from Sainsbury today.
Do I get any money for that?
I probably would if all you readers clicked on one of them.
So go on, you know you want to.

Maybe all my followers will click on them.
I'd make a fortune if I had any.

What do Sherpas do on their days off?
If they have days off, do they just sherp around?
Maybe they get in a bit of training, to keep themselves sharp.
Sharp Sherpas.
Or maybe they do a bit of team bonding.

I wonder what the career prospects are in the world of sherping?
Do apprentice Sherpas aspire to be Chief Sherpas, or Senior Sherpas, or are they just content with their lot?

I need to ask one next time I see one, whenever that may be.

I bet Jamie Oliver wouldn't be seen dead without at least one Sherpa when he does his Himalaya specials, which he apparently often does.
Wonder if they all have to have a lisp, just so they don't make him look stupid.
As if he would need any help.

Someone once said that football is a funny old game.
Well not tonight it fucking ain't.


Sunday, 8 August 2010

Monday 9th August 2010

When I was at junior school we used to have free milk every morning.
For some reason though the school didn't keep it in a fridge so by the time we were given it, it was warm.
Either that or they kept it in the fridge but then warmed it up in a microwave oven before giving it to us.
That's highly unlikely though as microwave ovens weren't invented when I was at junior school.

I put my irrational fear and hatred of cows down to this period of my life and I am actually thinking of suing the head teacher who allowed this to happen.
For years I have yearned to love all things bovine but the memories come flooding back all too quickly and the cold sweats are soon to follow.
Trouble is, I can't for the life of me remember the name of the teacher in question.

Must be all the stress.

I blame my lack of swimming expertise on the school too.
This time it's secondary school, not junior school.

We had an outdoor pool, there were icebergs on it, even in summer.
I'm sure there was a shipwreck at the bottom of the deep end too.

Didn't learn to swim until I was 24.

In the days before freezers only the very rich could experience ice.
Rich people had ice houses, and I don't mean houses that were made of ice, I mean houses where ice was stored and the door faced north and was insulated with straw.

But where did the ice come from?
To harvest it from English lakes would only have been possible very rarely so it must have been imported from somewhere really cold.

Like Siberia or somewhere.

But how did the ice importers get it here?
They couldn't really stick it in the fridge, could they?
They must have started with a huge great big massive chunk of ice and arrived with a much much smaller piece.
I'm surprised their boat didn't sink too, all that water, would've been like a flood.
And then it would need to be transported via horse and cart, or donkey, to your house.

Maybe that's how ice cubes were invented.
Start with a fuck off big piece and end up with an ice cube.

No wonder it was only for the rich.............

Sunday 8th August 2010

A funny thing happened to me today.
I took my dog out for a walk, we went to the local field and had a rare old time, me throwing the ball and the dog fetching it back for me to throw again.
The dog did it's business and me, being the responsible dog owner I am, bagged it and binned it.
Once we had enough we headed home and I fed the tired mutt

It was only when I had settled down in front of the tele that I realised that I don't actually own a dog.

Alarm Clock

Ants use alarm clocks.
I'm sure of it.

I walked out of my kitchen today at half past four and went upstairs to do what everyone does at half past four on a Sunday, tuned the television.
Why do teles need tuning at half past for every Sunday?
I don't know, but anyway, I digress.

When I came back downstairs there were about fifty thousand ants in my kitchen.
They were crawling around the floor but there were the flying ones too.

Now I fucking hate ants, so I got out my cigarette lighter and burnt the bastards.
They didn't like that, not one little bit.

Anyway, back to the point, why did they all come out at half past four?
Just as I was tuning the tele!
Perhaps they knew.


I made a mean one tonight.
But I didn't put any prawns in it.
Not even one........

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Saturday 7th August 2010 pt 2

If sheep were killers, what would their weapon of choice be?
It couldn't be a hand held weapon like a gun due to their lack of opposable thumbs.
An ape could possibly fire a gun, given the right training, but not a sheep.

A sheep would have to use some sort of computerised weapon.
But even then the computer would have to be specially adapted to allow it to use the keys properly.
It would have to be a large floor based keyboard with oversized keys, a bit like the piano in the toy shop in that Christmas film.

Then, given minimal training, a sheep could probably fire a heat seeking missile.

Or something.

Who makes all the Baked Beans in the world?
Is it many different companies or are they all made by the same one?
And if it is one company, is that company Heinz, or does someone else make them.

I mean, if Heinz make them all, why are they the most expensive?
You would think that they would work it so they were the cheapest and therefore sell more, wouldn't you?

I had a chinese takeaway the other night.
You never get baked beans from a chinese takeaway.
Or maybe you do.

Maybe you do and they just call them something else.
And they taste different because they're chinese.

Maybe the chinese make all baked beans and sell them to the entire world.

A global cartel.

Maybe the baked bean global cartel is run by chinese sheep.

Or maybe aliens......

Saturday 7th August 2010


What do you think aliens would think if they visited Earth?
Do you think they would be happy?
Maybe they are already here and that is the reason behind war.
Aliens aren't happy with something so they start a war to punish us.

But that would mean that who ever won the war must be the aliens.
Or at least the leaders of the winning side are aliens.

Perhaps it's just politicians that are aliens, all of them.
Especially that one who looks like Mr Spock.
What was his name? I can't frigging remember.
Maybe it'll come to me.

I once told an ex-wife that the coal in the coal bunker at the bottom of my garden needed throwing out and replacing as it was too old and wouldn't work anymore.
She believed me.
Stupid fucker.

Trouble was, she ordered some more and got Adrian, the coal man, to take the 'old' stuff away.
He must have thought we were right cunts.
Well I was cause I was the prick who had to pay for it.

What's the difference between a prawn and a shrimp?

It's not a joke, I don't know the answer, so answers on a postcard to the usual address.

John Redwood, that's the fucker..........

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Friday 6th August 2010

I wasn't born under a wandering star.
I don't know anyone who was.
Or even anyone who has ever seen a wandering star.

Shooting stars, well that's different.
Its got Vic and Bob. And Ulrika ka ka ka.

I went to see them along time ago and Bob caught an apple in his mouth.

Quite impressive really.


I was going to get my kid's names tattooed but my arms weren't long enough, so I'm looking for a surgeon who will perform arm extensions for me.
Surely there has to be one in Croatia or somewhere?
I suppose that if I went abroad then I wouldn't get it done on the NHS.
Or maybe I would now that I am officially unemployed.

I wonder if Vic or Bob have any tattoos?
I bet they have.
I bet Vic has a tattoo of a daffodil or something like that.
On his ankle.

Talking of ankles, I read somewhere that an elephant is the only mammal to have four knees.
And it can't jump.

Not at all.
Not an inch.

They would be no good in a steeplechase.....

Thursday 5th August 2010

Old people.

Old people are sometimes stereotyped into doddery forgetful folk that smell of piss.
Bit unfair really.

My parents are quite old, but they don't smell of piss.

Fish maybe, but not piss.

In fact my Dad, who is 84, still manages to ride a bicycle.
He's not so good going up hills mind, but he's a dab hand at going down the fuckers.

Still got an eye for the ladies too, randy old goat.

I got butted by a goat once.
Bastards have got eyes that are the wrong way round, have you ever noticed?
The coloured bit (fuck knows what it's called) is horizontal.
What's all that about?
Animals of the devil.

Visited Georgia once.
Lost his violin, in a bet.
Someone ought to write a song about that.

Have you noticed that songs all sound the same these days?

Most of them anyway.

Last day at work tomorrow, can't wait to get out of that shithole now.
I may just have to start making crank calls next week.
Although that might lead to making false claims or something equally stupid and I'd end up in court again.
Fuck it, I might even make some money out of them.

Interview next week.
Should I tell them about my community service yet or wait till I get the job?

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Tuesday 3rd August 2010

Community Service.

Unpaid work, 200 hours of it.
And it all starts next Wednesday at five o'clock.

I had an appointment today with the probation service to find out what my punishment will be for the next gawd knows how long.

I shall be wading in the River Don removing old pieces of lead weight that irresponsible fishermen have left behind.
Should quite enjoy it to be honest, I might save up all the bits of lead, smelt it down into a club and beat the lazy fucking twat fishermen around the bastard ear with it if I ever see them dropping more.

Only joking, of course (especially if anyone from the probation office is reading), but you gotta feel sorry for the swans haven't you?

And the ducks, mustn't forget the ducks.

Did you know the longest flight ever made by a chicken was nine seconds.
I wonder if it was just falling?

I used to have a mate called Swanny.
Not his real name of course, that would be fucking stupid, but he had a very long neck and he used to read your newspaper over your shoulder.

Wonder what he's doing now?

Driving buses or something I wouldn't doubt.....

Monday, 2 August 2010

Monday 2nd August 2010

Today is Monday, the clue is in the title.

Yesterday I was going to go to a party in a park in Rawmarsh but I couldn't be arsed.
Just as well really as I heard it was a total pile of shite.

I took Jess out instead, she enjoyed it.

Today I started my last week at work.
I've been made redundant.
How the fuck did that happen?
I know I can't be arsed most of the time, but fuck me there are worse twats in the office.
That prick Trevor for a start.

Anyhoo, I'm off at the end of the week so I'd better get an offer from one of the bastard vulture agent twats that I have contacted otherwise it's the bread line for me.

I've also noticed that one of the adverts on the side of this blog is for "Cheese and Paneer" but then goes onto describe the ' cheese and panner' that it sells.

Useless twats..........