Monday, 30 May 2011

Monday 30th May 2011

Hello Beastie...

Have you ever wondered how words were invented? They obviously evolved from the
caveman, who started out in life just grunting at each other, but did they have to start speaking properly because someone once wanted something that they couldn't cover with a grunt. Or a series of grunts. If this was the case, what could it have been that they needed so much that they had to create a whole new language? I mean, if they weren't happy with the way that their eggs were cooked then they could have just thrown them across the room with a series of angry grunts. Maybe it was something like a new car. The choice of colour would be ok, they could just take something of the same colour to the showroom and point, first to the object and then to the car. I suppose they may have to speak if the colour wasn't quite right, but that's highly unlikely as the excitement of buying a car would probably negate the disappointment of not having the exact shade of blue that was wanted.

I would think that people in the car factory would have a greater need to speak, to discuss matters of Health and Safety at the weekly meetings, but I suppose Health and Safety wasn't as big back then, so probably not. If they needed anything they would more than likely just go and get it, so it wouldn't be that either.

Words like 'do' probably just evolved naturally from a grunt like 'du', as did lots of the basic words. But what about words like circumbilivagination? It means 'to walk in a circle or walk around' so it could've had some relevance back in the caveman day. "Ug muh eg ug circumbilivagination" may have been quite a common phrase back then, who knows?

But there are shorter words that baffle too. Sex. Who thought to themselves, 'I know, I'm going to call the act of procreation a different word and that word is going to' But then again, who was it that first realised the correct way to reproduce. Picture the scene, Mr Caveman comes home from a hard day out slaughtering huge animals for food, fur and fuel. He has just stopped outside the cave for a piss and is sitting in his cave watching Mrs Caveman bent over the fire rustling up a tasty evening meal.

What on earth would make Mr Caveman think, 'I know, I'm going to get the thing that I have just used to rid my body of my waste liquid and I am going to put it inside Mrs C. I'm not quite sure where to put it, but as it is the thing that my waste liquid comes out of, I'll stick it in the hole that her waste comes out of. But she has two holes, which one should I stick it in? I know, I'll spin this bone and see which way it lands.'

Imagine the look on Mrs C's face when he stuck his Manana (see yesterday's post) in her,
right up to the maker's label, and than started thrusting in and out!!! Maybe that's how language was invented. Mrs C shouting out "You filthy bastard, piss off I've got a headache."
But, of course, Mr C wouldn't have understood what she was saying.
Imagine how freaked out they must have been nine months later when she went for a pee and little baby Caveman popped out.

Moving on, how did the happy Caveman family realise that they could feed their baby by offering it one of Mrs Caveman's tits? And did they try with Mr Caveman's tits as well? And did Mr Caveman have a go on Mrs Caveman? I bet he did.

Anyhoo, the speech thing may have evolved from grunts and groans, but why do we have different languages.............?

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Sunday 29th May 2011

There's a hole in my bucket.

Just watched the Monaco Grand Prix. Bit of an anti-climax that one really. Was shaping up to be the best Monaco race I've seen in a long while with Vettel leading, that Spanish twat in second and Somerset boy Jenson Button in third, but Vettel having tyres on that were 400 laps old, Smug Spaniard's not much better and Jenson in pretty good shape.

Then Sutil had to go and ruin everything. The prick caused a crash that put out the safety car. Then Petrov decided he couldn't get out of his car cause he had a bit of backache so they decided to bring out the red flags with six laps to go.

THEN, some wanker decided that they could change tyres during this stoppage period, so Vettel got a clear (and unfair) advantage and won the race.

I've just cut up a Pineapple. And do you know why they are called Pineapples? Because of their resemblance (in looks) to Pine Cones. And in 1398 that's what the reproductive organs of Pine Trees (pine cones, for you slower ones) were called. Pineapples.
Just think if all reproductive organs were called apples.

Manapples. This term would have to mean the bollocks (as the sperm carrier) as the dick looks nothing like an apple. But then neither does a Pine Cone I suppose. Anyhoo, the balls could be Manapples and the dick could be a Manbanana, or maybe Manana.
Apple bobbing would take on a whole new meaning.

Apple and Cherry Pie would be good too. You could cook it on a first date and declare to the girl you are trying to impress (instead of 'impress' read 'bed') that she could have your apples if you could take her cherry.

I'm going to give up gambling. I lose far more than I win. I told Liz this and she bet I couldn't do it. I took that bet.

I've just gotz a message on Twatter that starts 'I know you think this is a scam, but it's not' and then gives a link. That'll be a scam then.............

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Saturday 28th May 2011

Good Grief Charlie Brown.

If you drive along the M74, through South Lanarkshire, you can see Europe's biggest wind farm being built. It is pretty big, well I suppose it would have to be, to be the biggest in Europe, but one thing always gets me a-thinking.
How do you efficiently put these things up?
If you have ever seen the blades for these things being transported along the motorway then you will know that they are huge. Massive. And therefore you need a big crane to erect them.
For those of you who don't know these things, cranes cannot work when it is windy. They get 'winded' off. Next time you pass a building site when it is windy and all the cranes are stood there doing nothing you will know why. But my point is, the location for the wind turbines are specifically chosen for the windy conditions. There wouldn't be much point in them otherwise, they wouldn't do much with no wind. But if it is windy most of the time, and if cranes can't work in the wind, how do they ever build the fuckers?

I've just bought some biscuits. Not bought biscuits for ages, well apart from cheese biscuits. I mean biscuits for cheese, not biscuits made from cheese, which you may think is obvious but you have chocolate biscuits and these are biscuit made from (or with)
chocolate and not biscuits made specifically to eat with chocolate. Anyhoo, I bought some digestives as I'm thinking about making a Lemon Meringue Crunch, and as I picked them up I saw some Custard Creams. Next to the Custard Creams were some Bourbons and some Shortbread. There was a bit of an offer on, three for two, so I had a bit of a dilemma. The dilemma was that I needed the Digestives for me Lemon Meringue Crunch, which is like a Lemon Meringue Pie but with a biscuit crunch base instead of a shortcrust pastry base but I'm sure you already knew that, but I also wanted the other three types as well. But the offer was for three, so if I bought the Custard Creams, the Bourbons, the Shortbread and the Digestives then that would be four items and one of them would not be in the offer. I could always buy six packs, I thought, but then I would have more than one pack of something and which one would I choose.

So there I was, standing in the middle of the biscuit aisle in a well known Supermarket (Tesco) trying to work out how many packs I would have to buy to keep equal numbers of each pack and still take advantage of the three for two offer. In the end I opted for the Shortbread, the Custard Creams and the Digestives. Whilst I was packing the bags at the checkout it dawned on me what a twat I had just been. The biscuits were only about 30p each so it wouldn't have broken the bank to buy a fourth pack, offer or no offer.

Still, I've just had some with me coffee, not the Digestive of course, and they were blooming lovely.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Friday 27th May 2011 pt2

Stonepark Wizard came second in the 9.40.
Didn't put an each way bet on though.
Let's hope the third one doesn't come in, I can't even remember what it's called.............

Friday 27th May 2011

Oh dear, what can the matter be?

I have just put some bets on.
I have placed a bet in every race left to race tonight at Hall Green Greyhound track, there are only three so don't get too excited, and these are them: Killishin Napper in the 9.24, Stonepark Wizard in the 9.40 and Glenhill Rebel in the 9.55. No there is no rhyme or reason for these choices, I don't have a clue about dog racing and I don't even no what odds I have got on them.

I'll let you know how I get on.

I have also put a treble on the play-off matches this weekend. I have put a sneaky quid on Reading to win 2-1, Huddersfield to win 3-2 and Stevenage and Torquay to draw 2-2.
If all these come in, I win £4300. I'll be shitting meslef come Monday if the first two come in. Stevenage/Torquay play Saturday, Huddersfield play Sunday and Reading on Monday.
Got me crosses crossed.

Wonder if the Grand Prix in Monaco will be any good this weekend? Often, the race is decided by who gets to the first corner first, providing that all the pit stops go ok and nothing breaks on the car that is. But with all these changes this year something good may happen.
They say that the amount of downforce a F1 car produces would allow it to drive upside-down along the roof of the tunnel at Monaco. That would be good, to see that. Especially if you then activated the DRS (which reduces downforce). The cars may well fall off the ceiling of the tunnel.

Do tunnels have ceilings?

Killishin Napper has just won in the 9.24. It came in at 9/4. Still don't know what the odds are on the other two.

I'm going for a tab, I'll be back to let you know how the other dogs get on, even if it just a couple of one-liners.............

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Thursday 26th May 2011 pt2

Hi Honey, I'm home.

Got back safely, you'll all be pleased to know. Well both of you anyways.
I saw the camel on the A66 too. A great big fucker hiding behind a hedge. I reckon he was a bit shy, probably down to the fact that he was a right ugly fucker. He didn't have the hump, he had two. Must be a dormitory or whatever, and not the other type.

Bit of an expert on Camels me, know all the facts about them.

Like their hump is made of chocolate. Well not real chocolate, obviously, that would just melt in the sun and get all messy. It would also probably get into their bloodstream and poison them rendering them dead.
No, it's made of cocoa powder, just like you get at Morrisons. In fact, it has been said that this is where they get it from, but I don't whether they mean Morrisons or the camels.

I'll have to investigate.

Anyhoo, there he was (I'm saying 'he', it might have been a 'she', I didn't get that closely acquainted) standing behind a hedge and he seemed to be laughing at all the cars passing by. I don't know why he was laughing at us as he was standing in the rain and we were all in our dry warm cars.

Except the rider on the Triumph, if he went along the A66, he wouldn't have been in a dry warm car as he was on a motorbike.

So anyway, I told you I'd tell you if I saw it, and there you go.............

Thursday 26th May 2011

Rod died a penniless puppeteer.

I have just seen a sign that said 'Check your mirrors for bikes' and being the conscientious driver that I am I thought I had better do it straight away. I was travelling south on the M74 at the time so I pulled over to the hard shoulder, put on my emergency flashing light thingies and got out of the car.
My first mistake was to forget the basic rule of looking in my side mirror and I nearly got sucked in, blown over, run over and mangled by an articulated lorry that was hurtling along in the inside lane.
However, I walked around the car and checked both mirrors carefully. I then remembered the rear-view mirror inside the car, so I thought I had better check that too. I did, however, check that there were no lorries looking to run me down and when there was safe passage I got back in the car and checked the inside mirror.
There were no bikes in, or around, any of the mirrors and I did wonder where they were supposed to hide. I mean, there aint a lot of room inside the mirror casing and if they were on the outside they would more than likely blow off even at the legal speed limit of 70mph.

So a bit of a strange sign really, I'll probably ignore it if I ever see it again.
As I pulled back onto the motorway a fucking idiot on a Triumph screamed past and I was lucky not to hit him. Or at least he was lucky as I was surrounded by metal.

I am just about to go across the A66 so I will keep a look out for the camel. If I see that ugly horse again I'll shout a joke at him to try and cheer him up. Maybe then he won't have the hump and everyone will stop mistaking him for the mysterious ungulate.
I'll also have to watch out for horse drawn carriages too. A sign told me so.

If I see the camel, I'll tell you about it later, if I'm not too tired.............

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Wednesday 25th May 2011

Bonny Scotland. What's so freaking bonny about it on a day like this?

I appreciate that some parts of Scotland are very beautiful, even in the rain, but have you noticed that the beautiful places are always devoid of people. There's just countryside, nothing else.

I was in London the other week. As regular visitors will know, I hate London. But there I was, driving between Croydon and Mile End Road (E1), and I passed a sign advertising a "Cemetery Open Day".
What the fuck is that all about? Is it a day when you can go to the cemetery and book your own plot? Maybe even try it out? Or maybe just go for a look around, a browse.

Went to a wedding 'do' last weekend in Swansea. Well I say it was in Swansea but what I really mean is that the hotel we stayed in was in Swansea because I booked it there. And the reason I booked a hotel in Swansea was because I was told the wedding do was in Swansea. It turned out that the 'do' was on the Gower road and was about fifteen miles outside of Swansea. It was in the middle of nowhere, right out in the sticks, but not a place you could get lost in as it only had one road. Admittedly the one road that was there was full of sheep and cows and stuff, well mostly sheep but this was Wales after all.

Still the 'do' was good. Lots of people taking lots of drink. Some more than others, and you all know who you are.

Drove an Aston Martin around the Stow Circuit at Silverstone. That was pretty damn good, but friggin hard work. Have you ever tried driving a high performance car around a track at high speed without crashing? It aint fucking easy, and I ended up going not very fast.

Fuck me slowly, accelerate, brake, change gear. But do none of the aforementioned whilst turning so do it all before you turn. But not until the braking point. Which is about a second away from the turning point. No bastard wonder I was in the wrong gear most of the time.

Good fun though, and the noise..... The noise was something else.
There were Ferraris, Lambos, Audi R8s and a couple of Nissan playstation type things on the track, but none so good as the Aston Martins.
That's not my opinion. That's fucking fact, baby.............

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Tuesday 24th May 2011

It's been a long time baby.

I was going to write a blog about all the stuff that has happened to me since the last time I posted, but then I ran out of electricity.

For those of you who don't know, I'm on a meter because of a psycho ex-wife and numerous unpaid bills, but that's another story.

Back to topic, I ran out of leccy so I had to go and buy some. There are two shops in the village that have the top-up meter machine thingies, and I chose the one by the Post Office. Their machine was broken so I went to the other shop. This one shut ten minutes before I got there.

Next stop was one of the neighbouring villages. I had a choice, but I knew there was a 24hr garage in one, so I tried that. They had a machine, not a normal yellow one but a pink one. And my payment key wasn't accepted by it. So I still had no leccy. The woman in the garage told me that the Spar shop around the corner sold it. So I thanked her and went. The Spar shop round the corner might fucking well sell it, but only when they are fucking open.

I was getting a little pissed off by now.

So I went to the other village, to a Spar shop I knew was open. They had a machine, but a pink one and guess what? My key didn't bastard work. I asked if the garage had a machine? "No but Rhythm & Booze do"

Fuck me sideways, Rhythm & Booze is in the village where I live, the village I started in. Got to Rhythm & Booze and saw a friggin pink machine. Fucking key didn't freaking work and I was in a shop surrounded by alcohol. My perfect fucking scenario. Anyhoo, they told me the Coop had one.


I never knew that. I have just driven about ten fucking miles to buy something half a fucking mile from my fucking house.

Happy fucking days.

Maybe more tomorrow, I'm in Scotland but you never know.............

Friday, 6 May 2011

Local Church Appeals for Restoration Funds

Local Church Appeals for Restoration Funds

Local Man in Drug Scare

Local Man in Drug Scare

Friday 6th May 2011


It's been a long week.
Well it hasn't really, the week has been as long as every other week, apart from the odd weeks that they correct the clock in Greenwich and add a nano second to it, those weeks are a nano second longer (or shorter if the adjustment has to be a backwards one). I suppose the weeks when British Summer Time starts and ends are longer/shorter too, but aside from them the week was the same length as all the others. It has just seemed like a long week, but I suppose you knew what I meant.

I was in London yesterday and I got toothache. Now I get toothache quite a lot, on account that I have really shit teeth, but this was toothache like no other. I was driving from Croydon to Poplar and I had to pull over, the pain was that bad, and I had to take drugs.
Legal drugs, of course, Amitriptyline [or something], and after a bit they did the trick. But fuck me was I tired. Apparently they make you drowsy and it is recommended that you don't operate machinery after taking them. Well you wouldn't call a car 'machinery' would you? I wouldn't.

I defrosted my freezer today. I now have a kitchen sink full of ice. It all started because I was finding it hard to shut the door because of all the ice growing in there. So I set about it with a hammer. Not a big hammer, just a small pin hammer, but it's a hammer all the same. It started off as being quite hard to chip the ice away as it was so thick, but as I went on it seemed to get easier. I just thought that it was because my ice-breaking technique was being perfected, that I was becoming a more proficient ice breaker, that I was becoming a bit of an expert and I was getting quite pleased with myslef.
And then Liz pointed out that it was taking so long that the ice just just melting.

She could be right of course, but I still like to think that I am now a better ice breaker than I was this time yesterday.

As the first of May was a Sunday it means that next Friday is the 13th. We also had Star Wars day a couple of days ago too. What a busy month this is.

It's funny, but Chris Evans has been going on for the past few days about how fucking hot it is going to be. Well he hasn't said it has been fucking hot because he is on national radio, but I bet he would if he could and I bet he was thinking about it. The weather people on the tele though have been saying it is going to rain. Who to believe then? Chris Evans, who reckons it will be hotter than the Med, or the weather 'experts' who say rain? I'm going with Chris. If I believe it hard enough it may happen.

I was so tired last night, following my drug experience, that I fell asleep at about quarter past eight, and that meant I didn't vote or take part in the referendum. I'd better try and avoid the results now, in case they didn't go the way I wanted them to and upset meself.

My printer ran out of black ink this morning, so I had to change the colour of every bastard thing to dark blue. You would think that in this day and age that the printer would just use the colour ink cartridge but mine obviously doesn't.

I've just noticed that this blog has had 4498 views, so you may be the 4500th reader.
If you are, then congratulations.............

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Sunday 1st May 2011

Here we go again.

I forgot to mention yesterday that I went to Primark yesterday. It was the one in Bristol and it was HUGE. I mean really seriously fucking massive. I think that it was quite possibly bigger than Bristol itself which means it must be a TARDIS store, bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, which is similar but unlike an Armadillo which is soft on the inside and crunchy on the outside. The shop was on about seventeen floors and each floor was about the size of thirty seven football stadia [not just the pitches].

Watched a lot of TV today. Well when I say TV what I really mean is I watched coverage of a Great Tit sitting on seven eggs in a bird box. Every now and then she would wiggle her tail feathers and bury her head in her nest and do something or other with her eggs, or her nest or something.

It's a very serious thing, this bird nesting and egg sitting malarky. My mother is even considering cancelling her annual holiday to the Lake District so she can watch little Tittiana's eggs hatch. Father is talking solicitors and divorce here.

I may explode in a minute, I have gorged on so much fucking food today. It all started with breakfast when I had an egg and sausage and bacon sandwich [all veterinarian, of course] and then for lunch I had bread and salad and crab and shrimp and sun-dried tomatoes and potato salad and coleslaw and stuffed peppers and curried eggs. Then, this evening I have had a roast dinner, vege meat and roast potatoes and four veg [carrots, curried parsnip, leeks and cabbage] followed by cheese, followed by Sticky Toffee Pudding [lots of it]. I now feel like a reet bloater.

Anyone got any thoughts on 'Alternative Voting'? Can't see the point of it meslef. Maybe I just don't understand it.............

Local Man Installs Spy Camera; Watches Tits All Afternoon

Local Man Installs Spy Camera; Watches Tits All Afternoon

Local Man Meets Long Lost Sister: Thanks to Davina

Local Man Meets Long Lost Sister: Thanks to Davina

11 Golf Flags Stolen from Seaton Carew Golf Club

11 Golf Flags Stolen from Seaton Carew Golf Club

Saturday 30th April 2011

That's wrong that is.

Well it's Sunday 1st May but I am writing Saturday 30th April's entry. Why? Who knows, I just felt like doing it. I went to see my younger sister this morning, she has twins who are 17 months old. When the front door opened the first thing I saw were these two little girls standing there saying "Hiya" in their little voices. How cute are THEY??!!??
After that, we went for a wander around Brizzle, meslef and Liz, went to St Nic's market.
I promised myself that I would not buy any Chilli sauce, as I have about 12 bottles of the stuff at home, but the lure of Dr Burnorium's was just too strong. I only went in to have a look, and I was good as I didn't buy anything. But then, about ten minutes later, I found myself back there, bottle of sauce in one hand, wallet in the other, standing at the till paying for a bottle of Blair's Salsa de La Muerte.
Before I had actually got out of the market I had the bottle open and was having a little taste, and was I glad I bought it! It is not a strong sauce, a bit of heat, but nothing silly, but it has such a good flavour. It is very similar to the Pain is Good Batch #37, but not so intense. It is the kind of sauce that can be used quite liberally on anything.
We went down to the waterfront and got something to eat on a boat-bar called 'The Apple'. It's a cider bar that sells alot of different types of cider [obviously]. It's a good place for a recently reformed drinker to have lunch, as they also have non-alcoholic cider, or Apple Juice as it is more commonly known. Well, we had a ploughman's each and I used the Salsa de la Muerte as a salad dressing. I used a fair bit of it to be honest, but it was nice.

Did you know, that in Bristol you can be fined up to £2500 for deliberately feeding Seagulls and Pigeons and £1000 for letting your dog shit on the pavement. Does this mean that Seagulls and pigeons are two and a half times worse than dog shit??

I also used the sauce as a dipping sauce with a few nibbles we had prior to dinner and I put some on my Red Snapper, so Like I said, it will go with anything. I'm thinking that I should have bought two bottles.

I saw a sign in Brizzle that said 'Do Not Use Mandatory Cycle Lane'. What the fuck is the point of having a cycling lane and then making it mandatory and then telling people you cannot use it?

1. Required by law or rules; compulsory.
2. Of or conveying a command.

So which takes precedence? The sign that says that the cycle lane is 'Mandatory', which as you can see by the definition means it is required by law or rules, or the sign itself which says that you cannot use it?!? Who knows, maybe there was another sign somewhere explaining.

I took a photograph of the sign and was going to upload it, but I have just found out that my laptop does not actually have bluetooth, even though there is a little LED light thing with a bluetooth symbol with the rest of the LED light thingies.

Went to see 'The Good Fridays' tonight (last night [Saturday night] you know what I mean, don't you?). They were OK, but you just had to sit or stand there and watch them as you couldn't talk to anyone as it was a tad loud. This was a bit of a shame as my elder sister was there too, and I haven't seen her since Christmas, so it would have been nice to have had a bit of a natter. Still, we managed to shout at each other a couple of times.

I also went to the best coffee shop in the World. That is not my opinion, it is fact (in my opinion). They sell great coffee, and I mean really good, but the service is fantastic too. There are about three hundred staff who just stand around waiting to do stuff for you. As soon as a table becomes free (and not a second before, by the way) it is cleared ready for the next customer. You go to the counter to order and your drinks are put onto a tray in front of you, but you are not allowed to carry them to your table, they do it for you. We were sitting outside and the table only had one chair at it. Well I was quite happy to stand, as we weren't going to be there that long, but no, the man looking after me insisted on going and finding me a chair. They really cannot do too much for you.

Well, that's yesterday's entry. If anything exciting happens today I may do another one later.............