Monday, 28 February 2011

Monday 28th February 2011

Twenty Eighth of February, where the fuck is the time going?

Tomorrow will be March. Month three, a quarter of the way through the year. Well fuck me gently, time surely flies whether you're having fun or not.

I got the first coat of paint on the walls and ceiling in the office tonight. It's all Magnolia, but that's not too bad. It looks a bit orangey at the moment but I'm sure it will calm down a bit when it dries. Put another coat on tomorrow, maybe do a bit of glossing and, bish bosh, ready for the furniture.

Liz has 'The Biggest Loser' on the tele and I don't get it. Some bloke, Paddy, has just lost 31% of his starting body weight, and he is the winning runner up. All the others still look fat. OK they have lost a lot of weight and all that, they all look better, but Paddy looked like a normal bloke. I know fat people are normal, but you know what I mean. So what I don't get is this. No-one is going to lose more weight than Paddy. I don't think they will anyhoo. Maybe I'll be proved wrong in the next fifteen minutes, but I don't fucking think so. So how come he is only the best runner-up?
If I'm wrong then I'll eat a big chocolate cake.

Got an appointment with the bank on Tuesday next week. That's Tuesday 8th March. I hope they don't turn me down, seeing how I will no longer be employed the following week and will need to use the business account. Nothing like cutting it fine eh? Still, if they turn me down I'll just threaten them will negative publicity on my world famous blog.
As if that'll make a blind bit of difference.

Nine days left at work, you would think I would be winding down wouldn't you? Eight while six today, probably the same tomorrow and the rest of the week. Wind down, my arse. Wind up more like.

OK, I'll a big fucking piece of chocolate cake with my bastard hat on top. The hat I'll take off to Will. He has lost 34% of his original body weight.
Still looks a bit porky though.............

Sunday, 27 February 2011

Dancing on Ice Disrupted for Second Time

Dancing on Ice Disrupted for Second Time

Sunday 27th February 2011

Lasagne, the World's most perfect food.

Garfield said that, not Garfield Sobers, he would have been too busy playing cricket or doing stuff that cricketers do when they're not cricketing which may be eating lasagne, who knows, but the Garfield I am talking about is Garfield. Just Garfield. Don't think he had a surname. Jon did. Presumably. But not Garfield. Or Odie. Don't know what Jon's surname was, but maybe I'll find out before the end of this post. I'll get the reporters onto it. Anyway, I made a lasagne for tea tonight, bloody lovely it was. Wasn't really a lasagne as it had no meat. More like a Quornagne. I'm gonna write a vege-recipe book. A vegipe book. Using a slow cooker.

Slow cooked vegipes.

I was in Tesco earlier and there was some King Prawn and Avocado Sushi rolls on the
shelf. They were in a box. A box on the shelf. Thing was, on the box it said "Do not leave on shelf". Now what puzzled me was: did they mean that the King Prawn and Avocado sushi rolls shouldn't be left on the shelf or that the box that the King Prawn and Avocado sushi rolls were in shouldn't be left on the shelf. If it is the former, then how the fuck are Tesco supposed to sell any? Is it a sort of 'beneath the counter' dodgy deal sort of thing that goes on? Do you have to make contact with some shady character in the car park prior to entering the store to make contact? Maybe it is someone who works at the car wash who is in on it.
If it is the latter, then how did whoever put it on the shelf miss it? It's in big fucking letters on the front of the box just below the bit you have to rip off to display the goods. I could see it as walked briskly past. You can see it in the photograph, even though it's only very wee. Maybe it was someone who can't read. Or maybe someone who can't read English.

Bought some paint today. Big bastard tub of paint. Magnolia emulsion. It was a huge tub,
don't ask me how much was in there, how many litres, cause I don't know. It was big, ok. Well it only cost me a tenner, which was good. I bought some gloss and brushes and rollers and a tray too. It's for the office. I've got furniture coming next week (hopefully) so I have to get it painted. I had to get some filler as well, there were some holes in the wall, just little stuff where nails had been, but a big hole too where one of the kids once hit his head. So I have filled them in and cleaned the skirting board and dado rail and now just need to paint.
I hate painting. I think Liz is a bit pissed off too. The rest of the house needs decorating but I am only doing the office. Well for now anyhoo. You never know, I may get the bug and go the whole hog, do the whole bloody thing, top to bottom.
I once bought a lampshade. Most expensive lampshade I ever bought. It wasn't the lampshade that was dear, it was the fact that after buying the lampshade I then had to decorate the room the lampshade went in. Then the adjoining room had to be done followed swiftly by the rest of the downstairs. Then, of course, the hall, stairs and landing had to be done and in the end the WHOLE FUCKING HOUSE had to be re-decorated. Cost a bastard fortune.

Arbuckle, that's it, Jon Arbuckle.

Anyways, I'm off to cut me hair..............

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Saturday 26th February 2011

Compulsive Washing Disorder.

I think Liz has it. She washes clothes constantly. The washing machine is always either
spinning or waiting for the timer to run out and start spinning. Everytime I come home from work there will be a load on and at weekends when I go downstairs to make coffee there will be the familiar sound spinning clothes. I go to look for something to wear and it will either be in the machine, being dried or on the 'pressing' pile ('pressing' meaning 'ironing' for those who weren't sure). Sometimes I only just manage to take a shirt off completely before it is out in the machine. I will probably end up in there myslef one day.
It's no wonder I can never find anything to wear, it's always in 'the system'.

Went into Donny today. As we were driving there we passed a housing estate where they were re-surfacing part of the entry road into the estate. There were vans parked on the side of the road, tarmacing operations going on and therefore traffic jams. Liz, complaining about the roadworks, stated "what a stupid place to do it". Maybe they should have moved the road, re-surfaced it and then put it back. Would have saved all the hassle I suppose.

When we got to Donny there were a few funfair rides and stalls. Stuff like Darts, where you have to score over seven to win but there is always a catch which means even Phil Taylor would fail to go home with a Teddy, and a basketball stall where you had to sink three hoops but the net roof was too low which would render it impossible.
There was also a ride where people sat on a long row of seats, got strapped in and then the row of seats went up and round and down and up and round etc etc. Presumably it would stop at mid point and make everyone scream before plummeting back toward the ground just to start again. The funny thing was, on the front of the ride, the bit where you queue up to pay, there was a 'Health and Safety' sign. The sign said, and it's in the photo on the left if you can make it out, "No Alcohol, No Bike Riding, No anti-social behaviour on Fairground" The first and last points are fair enough, but bike riding??? How the fuck are you supposed to ride a bike on this ride???

I bought some potted shrimp in the Fish Market. Had them for lunch, bloody lovely they were. They looked a bit like maggots but they tasted a whole lot better. Well I suppose they did, I have never tasted maggots.

Went to the bank too. I need to open a Business account but the Business Bank Manager doesn't do Saturdays apparently. You would think that Saturdays would be the best days for people like me to go to see the bank manager, seeing how I am trying to make my business work throughout the week. But no, I will now have to go back there in the week to get it sorted.

The other day I went on a blind date. The woman I met was a red head. She also had very pale complextion and was extremely skinny. Quite apt then that I arranged the date through

England have just beaten the French, which is good.............

Friday, 25 February 2011

Friday 25th February 2011

Last day at the Scottish Prison today, it felt good driving home.

Thought I'd treat myslef to a Chinese tonight, well not a chinese person, obviously. That
would be silly. And illegal. Cannibalistic even, so I stuck with the Chinese food. When I say Chinese food, I had egg fried rice, curry sauce and chips which I complimented with a couple of cheese and onion pasties. The other half had sweet and sour chicken balls, with some of the egg fried rice and chips.
Only trouble was, they forgot to deliver the chips.

Now I know chips aint very Chinesey, but we like them. They go really well with the curry sauce (it's a close run thing between this and gravy) so it was a bit disappointing not to have any. Especially as I was looking forward to them. I was looking forward to the whole thing.
You know how sometimes you are doing something like driving or walking or working? Anything really, and whilst you are doing whatever it is you are doing you start to really look forward to something and you really really want it and nothing else will do?
Well that was me, driving back from Scotland, I could think of nothing else but a couple of the aforementioned pasties, egg fried rice, chips and curry sauce.

I like to cut the pasties in half, mix the rice and the sauce together and stuff the pasties with the mix. May sound strange, but try it before you fuck it off. It's real good, the mixture of the hot rice/curry sauce combo and the cold of the pasty, the filling just starting to melt.
To compliment this culinary delight, chips with some of the rice/sauce combo are an excellent accompaniment.

So it was a bit of a fucker to look forward to that, really really want it only to find out that the fucking bastard chips didn't fucking turn up.
It's not as if you can ring up and complain. What are they gonna do? Send some out to you? It would take about an hour and the rest of your stuff would be cold.

I bought myself some sensible waking shoes the other day. I also bought a little rucksack and a stick and I went to the Lake District. I walked for about five miles carrying my newly purchased map of the area, stopped and sat on a little stone wall and got out my flask of coffee whilst I enjoyed the view. Then I tidied up my rubbish, walked another five miles before chatting with a couple from Devizes I happened to pass before stopping again by a small lake and having a biscuit and then I............

Sorry, I'm rambling.

Donny tomorrow, gotta look at buying a new printer, booking an appointment with the bank to open a new account and getting another memory stick. 16Gb for £12.99. I thought that was a good price. I hope they have some left.............

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Wednesday 23rd February 2011

Last trip to Scotland tomorrow.

Well probably not the last time I EVER go to Scotland, but the last time I go there in my current job. Just two and a half weeks to go and then I move on to pastures new(ish).

I had to endure a session of self-flagellation today. Basically I had to sit, along with some
colleagues, in front of a client and fuck myslef up the arse with a rusty poker. Telling a client what a shit job you have just done on their contract is not a fun thing to do, but today, it was done. I have actually come away from it a much better person, more in touch with myself, at one with my inner soul and I am tempted to self-flagellate on a daily basis.
Cleansed, almost, but I will tell you, it's a fucker to sit down afterwards.
I wonder if many people in Scotland self-flagellate? It could be a nightly activity for all I know, I don't generally venture out when I am staying up there so I couldn't possibly comment. It's not that I am nervous of walking the streets of Kirkintilloch after dark, I just do not have the inclination to do so.

If I make loads of money in my new venture (refer to previous posts if you don't know what I am talking about) then I was thinking about investing most of it in fried Pineapples and Bananas. I went to the bank and discussed it with my new Personal Business Banker, but she told me not to fritter my money away.

I have finally finished my 'charity' work. If you weren't aware of this then you oviously haven't read my VERY LAST POST!!!!! What have you been doing all your life? Your life will never be complete if you don't read ALL of my blog posts.
Well not all of them, the first ones were a bit shit. Go to around Novemeber time and they slowly start to get slightly better.

I got a £50 gift card from google today. I got a bit excited until I realised it isn't really a gift card at all. Well it is, but you can only buy one thing with it, and that is advertising space on Google.
I may use it for a laugh, advertise this blog and see what happens. I could go viral. I could put Seaton Carew on the map. Well I could have, if it hadn't already been on there.

WAIT.....It's All Over Now for Local Man

WAIT.....It's All Over Now for Local Man

Sunday, 20 February 2011

Sunday 20th February 2011

I have had a pretty busy day today.

I was supposed to go to Hertfordshire to see my sons, but as it is half term the elder son has gone to his Nanny (goat) and Granddad's house for the week. Typically, his Granddad had something planned for the day I was hoping to go down to see them, which would have been only the second time I have seen them this year. So I decided to clear out the spare room. When I say 'spare' room, I really mean the bedroom that used to be one of the boy's room and, since they left, has been a dumping ground for (a) all the stuff that their psycho mother left behind when they went, and (b) any other stuff that would normally have been dumped in the loft, but I couldn't be arsed as I had a room that already had loads of 'loft' stuff in it.

But, seeing that I need to create an office at home, this room is the obvious choice. And, after the best part of the day clearing stuff, it is now reasonably empty. Only trouble is, now I have no drive left as I have 'temporarily stored' about six skips of rubbish on it. Fuck knows how it all fitted in the room in the first place. And fuck knows where my new car is going to go when I get it later this week, I'll have to park on top of all the boxes and bags I suppose.

Just made tea. It's in the oven. It's like a Cottage Pie, but made with Quorn, so I have named it Quorttage Pie. Apparently when Quorn was launched in America there was uproar. It was all due to the fact that the makers of Quorn claimed that it was a derivative of a mushroom. The only link that it has to a mushroom is, in fact, that the mycoprotein used to produce it is extracted from a fungus. It's actually made from a soil mould and is grown in continually oxygenated water in large fermentation tanks. Glucose is added as a food for the fungus, as are vitamins and minerals to improve the food value of the product. The resulting mycoprotein is then extracted and heat-treated to remove excess levels of RNA.

RNA is one of the three major macromolecules (along with DNA and proteins) that are essential for all known forms of life, so why they have to remove some of it, I don't really know. Maybe if we ate too much of it we would turn into superheroes with superhero powers. It could lead to a new film, Quornman or somesuch crap, where the lead character flies around saving animals and choping pieces of himself off as a substitute before flying back to his water tank full of oxygenated water to regenerate.

I'm off now, gonna ring Spielberg.............

Royal Wedding Snub for Seaton Carew

Royal Wedding Snub for Seaton Carew

Another teaser.............

Local Man Clears Out Spare Room

Local Man Clears Out Spare Room

More later.............

Saturday, 19 February 2011

Local Man Looks Forward to Waiting Now Waiting is Over

This could be a bit of a Brucie bonus.
Not tried it before, so I don't know if, or how, it is going to work, but I think you have to click on the orangey writing below.

So here goes.............

Local Man Looks Forward to Waiting Now Waiting is Over

Saturday 19th February 2011

What a day.

Went shopping today, was in Frenchgate Shopping Centre in Doncaster and how fucking
annoying are the lifts in there? If you have ever parked your car there then you will know what I mean. The only stairs are emergency ones and they are alarmed so you have to use the lifts. But the problem is that the stupid fucking lifts take about four hours to arrive, and then the chances are that they are heading up when you need to go down to get to the shops. I'm sure it is a ploy to make you stay in the carpark for longer thus meaning you have to pay more.
You have to walk through Debenhams when you come out of the lift, and as we were walking through I saw a woman sitting at one of the beauty counters having her eyes flossed. Fuck knows what was going on, but she was sitting there, her head laid back, holding one of her own eyes open whilst this crazy Debenhams beauty counter worker woman rubbed what looked like dental floss over her eye. The crazy Debenhams beauty counter worker woman had one end of the dental floss between her teeth (yep, her TEETH) and the other end in one hand whilst she held on to the dental floss at around the mid-point with her other hand. This can't be right, surely? If it is, it shouldn't be.
In the shopping centre itself there were women on a bit of a stall thingy promoting swimming for kids. Nothing pervy or owt, but kosher swimming promotion for young children. Fair play, I thought, promote a healthy activity. Something to keep them fit, stop them getting fat (or, even worse, obese). The women were giving out information leaflets to the parents and bags of sweets to the kids.
Fucking good promotion technique there, get 'em fat and then they will need the exercise. Shame about their teeth though.
Went car hunting today. First stop was the Nissan Showroom. I really like the Nissan Juke and the top of the range model can be bought for a shade over £18k. Couldn't get one until May though and as I have to hand my company car back in three weeks, I would be a bit stuck till then.
After a few more visits to other dealers I found myslef at the Seat dealer. There was a Seat Leon for sale, ex-demo with 20k on the clock. Six grand discount so I took it for a test drive. Shame it's red, I hate red cars, but £6k is £6k and as I am buying my first car for 8 years I can't be overly choosy. Anyhoo, the red Seat will soon be mine.

Didn't buy any CD's today, which is a bit of a rarity for me when in town, but I did order a new laptop yesterday. Fuck me, I am going to have absofuckinglutely no money for the next few years.

Aint the word 'fuck' great? There is a very good video on ewetoob that tells you all about it, just copy and paste this link

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Thursday 17th February 2011

I'm getting a bit slack.

When I say that, I don't mean literally, of course, I mean my writing of the blog is getting
a tad lackadaisical (often misspelled laxidasical, and is it 'misspelled', 'mispelled' or 'mispelt'? I think I was right in the first place).
So, I must try harder. I'm tempted to write a spoof or two too, but I can't be arsed at the moment. Maybe later. Maybe when I have more time.

I saw on the news the other morning that some bloke has just spent the last six months of his life re-inventing the milk bottle. Due to the fact that some recycling centres (local tips) will not accept the current plastic versions, this nutter has taken the last six months 'inventing' one made out of cardboard. Now this eco-friendly cardboard bottle looks just like a plastic one, it is the same shape, the same size and does exactly the same job. The only difference is that it has a plastic bag inside it, to stop the cardboard getty all soggy I suppose.
Anyhoo, how come it has taken six fucking months to invent something that looks the same, does the same job and doesn't enhance your life in any way shape or form, unless you are a eco-friendly sandal wearing vegetarian abstinent pacifist? The bloke is a total fucking pleb.

I changed my logo. After hours of trying to figure out how to edit the thing it turned out
to be really easy. I had a conversation with a bloke who works for the company I am working out my notice with yesterday. He told me I was a fool for doing what I am doing as there is no work around and I have a shit name for my company as 'Ambient' means lukewarm. What a cock. Is it any wonder I want to leave?

Easter eggs are back in the news. Well they're not really, but they are on my blog again. The supermarkets, the very same ones that put the eggs on display before we were even into the New Year, are now selling them on the cheap and it's only February. They are probably all going to be out of date before Easter comes along.

I left my cigarette papers in my car today and when I got to Scotland I realised that I had left them. The biggest problem was that my car was parked outside a house in Wombwell so there was no going back for them. I did OK though, scabbing papers off everyone who I saw smoking.

God, I'm tired. I must go to sleep.............

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Tuesday 15th February 2011

Well there was no blog posting yesterday, I was too busy with Valentines Day. Actually, that's a total crock of shit, I don't do Valentines Day.

Eight hours and fifteen minutes and three and a half weeks.
That's referring to two different events, one that finishes in eight and a half hours and the other one finishes in three and a half weeks. Last bit of Charity Work to be done next week and then on 11th March I finish my current job.
On the twelfth of March I start work for Ambient Precast Ltd. Well when I say I am going to work for Ambient Precast Ltd I should really say that I am Ambient Precast Ltd. Happy Days.
I like the logo, one that a fellow Charity worker (Jamie) has done, but I think the white bars should go up to the right, showing progression, so hopefully Jamie will change it for me. Any thoughts out there? Does it need the word 'Ltd' in the logo too? I can't decide but I don't think it really needs it.

I was at 40,000 feet this morning and I don't mean in an aeroplane. I could have done with a Moller Skycar to get me down but I couldn't find one to hand. I won't go into the details too much but there are some really stupid people in this world. Certain people, if they read this, will know who I am talking about and it happened between 0800 and 0900hrs this morning.
When I am King of the World, this sort of people will be shot in various parts of the body and left to slowly bleed to death with Rooks pecking at their wounds. I may even pour honey over them and unleash the ants.

Croydon tomorrow and then onto London to meet some folk. If you ever get the chance, go to It is a very good website with some very good writers. I don't write so much on there anymore, but I go on there to read and rate. I won't mention any of the writers by name though cause then I would miss some and they may get all mardy and hate me for eternity. And anyhoo I am meeting some of them tomorrow, so that should be good.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Sunday 13th February 2011

I was watching Ski Sunday on the tele earlier and they had downhill skiing and slalom skiing and then snowboarding.
Another type of skiing is cross country, which is much easier if you live in a small country. I think that's why the British are crap at cross country skiing. In England we don't get much snow, and there is absolutely no way you could ski across the country as all the snow only ever falls in the hilly places, and in Scotland and Wales, where they do get more snow, the countries are so small that if the skiers have to do a longer race across a bigger country then they get tired half way through.

I was watching the news the other night. It all seemed to be about Egypt and President
Mubarack. I'm getting a bit bored of it now, to be honest. I know I shouldn't, but I am. Anyhoo, I started drifting off and thinking about other stuff and I thought of different protester's protest signs.
When sign makers go on strike, do they have any protest signs? And if signwriters protest, do they just have blank signs (providing, of course, the sign makers are no longer on strike). If the sign makers were on strike and the signwriters wanted to hold a protest against the sign makers striking then they would have to make do with posters or postcards or something. Probably wouldn't have the same impact.

I went to Imelda May last night at the O2 Academy in Leeds. What a fantastic gig. If you ever get the chance to go and see her I would highly recommend it. Well it would obviously be better if you like her music too.
The O2 academy is a small venue, a bit like a big open plan pub with a stage at one end and a pretty good lighting set, but it suited her ideally. Paul Heaton is playing there on 2nd April and I shall be going to that one too.

Weekend is almost over, back to work tomorrow and I'm quite looking forward to it, in a strange sort of way. Hopefully I will get some good news at some point tomorrow too.

The countdown is on.............

Friday, 11 February 2011

Friday 11th February 2011

Well it's been quite an eventful day.

It started, as Fridays have done for the last four weeks, in a hotel room in Kirkintilloch but it didn't continue as Fridays have in the recent past.
Maybe I'll go into more detail in the near future, but I need to look for a new car and a new laptop. And a printer and maybe a desk and a chair. And possibly a phone.
Still, I have four weeks to sort it out so no worries.

I'm still bloody tired, but at least now I am happy and tired and not just tired.

When I was driving down the M74 this morning I saw a sign that read "Picking up your litter puts the lives of workers at risk". An easy solution to this, surely, is to just leave it on the floor then. That way no worker's lives would be at risk and the sign wouldn't need to have so many words on it, it could then be smaller and thus wouldn't need to be so big therefore maybe wouldn't be so much of a distraction and cause so many road accidents.
In summary, leave your litter on the side of the road and you may help reduce the number of deaths and traffic accidents.

I was in the supermarket earlier and fancied some biscuits. I saw a pack of animal crackers, you know, the ones which have half the biscuit covered in chocolate. I've often wondered if they would taste better if they were fully coated in chocolate or would this be a bit of chocolate overkill and the amount on there is just enough. Was there research done into this prior to their launch, or did the biscuit company simply get lucky?
Research is my guess.
Anyhoo, I picked up the packet of Animal Crackers and saw a warning on the side: "Do not open if seal is broken".

Two questions: (1) how do you know if you are lucky enough to have any seals? Does every pack have them? and (2) how do you know if they are broken until you open them?
OK, that was three questions, but the first two were monozygotic.

I'm going to see Imelda May tomorrow night, in Dirty Leeds. And for once I hope Dirty Leeds win their footy match tomorrow too.............

Thursday, 10 February 2011

Thursday 10th February 2011

Decisions, decisions.

Do you know what, as I sit here tonight and try to write this blog entry, I cannot think of anything to write about.

I have had a long day, which started with the alarm going off at three o'clock this morning, but nothing exciting happened and I am very very tired.

So it looks like it is going to be a short one tonight, unless I think of something interesting that happened as I lie in bed trying to get to the land of nod.
By that, I don't mean something interesting that may happen as I lie in bed trying to get to sleep (I would never share that with you publicly (privately maybe, but never publicly)) I mean that whilst I lie in bed trying to doze if I think of anything interesting that happened earlier today.

If that happens, then I may post a bit later.

Or if anyone wants me to share interesting happenings that occur whilst in bed trying to sleep then maybe we can bargain our way to some sort of deal..............

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Wednesday 9th February 2011

Hump day is nearly over.

And I've only got eleven hours and a bit.

It's only Wednesday and I have already put around £120 worth of petrol in my car.
With tax on petrol currently running at about 99%, this means I have spent very little on the petrol itself, but I am giving more and more money to the Gobblement. I will have to fill up again on Friday so that will be another £60/£70 so I'm looking at spending nearly £2 on fuel and about £384 on tax this week. When you think about it, we spend a hell of a lot of money on the Gobblement, with our generous gifts of taxation. We work our bollocks off (most of us) and get taxed, twice, on our wages. Income tax and National Insurance. Some people, those on a 'K' tax code, pay tax on more than they earn. Then we are taxed on every single thing we buy, with petrol currently running at about 832% and VAT recently increased to 20%. Then, if we inherit anything, we are taxed on that, even though the person who has died has paid two taxes on everything they earned and everything they spent so that means the thing that has been inherited has been taxed four times so far. Should we decide to sell the inheritance then there would be more taxes incurred. The seller would pay a tax and the buyer would pay a tax. As the money the buyer is going to use has already been taxed (twice) then the inherited item is now running at seven times (I think). Think about how much money the Gobblement has just earned from that one item, and how much that one item is now worth? It aint worth too much any more.

Do you remember when the TV stations used to go off at eleven o'clock? When the National Anthem was played and then the test card came on? And there were only three channels. I can remember when Channel 4 started. Now we have about 3 mililion channels and, most of the time, absolute crap. I'm currently watching a programme about estate agents. What a crock of shit.

Me capsaicin crystals haven't arrived yet, but I have had an email from them saying that "due to the high level of demand" they have run out of stock, but should have more in the next week or two. For something that is supposed to be illegal to sell after the end of January this year, they are still doing a good job of advertising it on their website.

Fish anyone???

I bet gypsies don't pay so much tax, they probably have a special gypsy tax. I wonder if any of them pay it? Probably, some of them at least.

I was asked a question the other day, and the question was; "Who would win in a fight, a Lion or a Tiger?" Well, as this is the sort of question that keeps my mind occupied for
hours on end, I thought about it. I eventually came up with the conclusion that a Lion would win, for various reasons. The Lion is bulkier, has a bigger head and is generally harder looking. I was told that neither of them would win as they would never fight because they live on different continents, or somesuch nonsense. Well I live on a different continent to an African, but I've met one or two. The person that asked me has obviously never heard of aeroplanes and holidays. It can't be beyond the wit of a Lion or a Tiger to get on a plane and fly to where the other is? And what about zoos? Zoos have both species, they could nip out of their cages for a bit.
And what with Twatter and Farcebook and all the other t'interweb social website things, it wouldn't be too hard to organise a bloody good flame-up. So I stick by my guns, a Lion would whup the arse of the Tiger, not necessarily with ease, but it would whup it all the same.
I can comfortably say that without fear of ridicule, because can you prove me wrong?

If you are having a Tiger/Lion flame-up any time soon, please let me know.............

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Tuesday 8th February 2011

Fourteen Hours.............

I was violated today. In a mildly sexual manner. By an old woman who kissed my head and rubbed my back whilst muttering nonsense at me. It was quite horrible, quite scary and quite wrong. It wouldn't have been so bad if she had cleaned her teeth in the last six months and she wasn't wearing that 'special' perfume that smells of amonia.
Well it would, it would have been just as bad to be honest, it was like a paedophile in an elevator, wrong on every level.

Big Fat Gypsies was on again, fuck me they are savage bastards. Two of them had a fight to settle an arguement and I don't think they could even remember what the dispute was, but they knocked six bales of shit out of each other. Well they didn't actually, one of them knocked six bales of shit out of the other and then threatened to set 'a couple of the boys' onto the camera team if they 'didn't get out of my face'.

I was working on a Word document today and when it was finished it was 26MB. I wanted to email it to someone, but didn't want to send them a copy they could change so I converted it to a pdf. Fuck me if it didn't take half the day to convert, nearly crashed my laptop, and the last time my computer went down on me it was, whilst enjoyable, murder to re-start. Anyhoo, it eventually converted but when it did it had suddenly grown to 93MB. Now I thought pdfs were generally smaller than the original document so how did this fucker grow so big? And who said that size doesn't matter? It fecking well does in this case, have you ever tried sending a 93MB email? No, neither have I cause the bastard laptop would probably blow up.

I was in the library the other day when a bloke came in and asked if they had any books on suicide. Now I thought the librarian would come across all sympathetic and caring and try and talk to the man, who looked obviously depressed and willing to end it all for a better life on the other side of the Pearly Gates, but no, she told him to fuck off as he would never bring it back.

She was probably right though.............

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Sunday 6th February 2011

I didn't get one reply to my plea for legal assisstance on my posting of 1st February, so thanks for that. I am now in limbo, not knowing what to do. I'm sitting tight at the moment as I'm sure that their reluctance to send me a copy of the alleged unpaid bill means that they do not actually have one and they are calling my bluff.

The wind is still howling, when I took Jezebel for a walk this morning I thought to myslef,
"I must bring a kite out with me this afternoon." When I took her out this afternoon I thought to myslef, "Damn, I was going to bring a kite out with me this afternoon." What a memory I have. I haven't flown a kite for a long while, I used to do it quite often and own three. But like so many other things, they are all packed away in their little bags; one in the loft, one under the stairs and one in the corner of my bedroom down the side of the wardrobe. I bet that if I ever get round to actually taking one out, the wind will drop to nothing.

I'm thinking about buying an Ipod. I'm really not a big fan of Apple, but I need something to play music on in the front room. When I say I need something, it's more a case of wanting but you know what I mean. Anyway, I don't really know too much about Ipods but I'm looking at a 'Classic', either 120GB or 160GB. Not bothered about an Ipod touch, as I don't need the wifi function for email etc as I can get all that on my phone. And no it's not an Iphone, it's a Galaxy S which is, in my opinion, much better. So anyway, I've been looking on ebay and I saw a 120GB Classic for £87.02, so I placed a maximum bid of £85. I was confirmed as the highest bidder and sat there with less than two minutes to go thinking that I had grabbed myslef a bargain on the very first attempt. With three seconds to go I was outbid twice. Looks like I need more ebay bidding practice.
Of course, when I eventually get my Ipod I will have to get a docking station with speakers to play it through. I've seen plenty in the shops with trendy names like gear4 and Iwantit and stuff, but I want a Bose one and nothing else will do. Nothing, that is, unless one of you lovely readers can advise me otherwise.

I've just heard that Gary Moore died this morning. That's sad. He was only 58. Great guitarist, Parisienne Walkways is one of my all-time favourite tracks. I must look up some Skid Row stuff, in his memory. The Irish Skid Row, not the American one. I can't say I have listened to much of their stuff in the past, if any. I suppose once he gets settled in he will be round his old mate Phil's place banging out some good tunes again.

I went shopping in Asda yesterday, think I mentioned it yesterday, and I spent around £60 but I am now sitting here wondering what to have to eat tonight as I've got nowt in. How does that happen?

Oh well, I suppose I'll have to pay a visit to the chippy.............

Bastard chippyis shut on a Sunday, I'm gonna starve!!!!!

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Saturday 5th February 2011

Went to the Post Office today to pick up the package that the postman couldn't be arsed to wait for a signature for on Tuesday. I was waiting for two things, the complete works of Soulwax and some Capsaicin crystals so I didn't know which one it would be.
I have to admit that I was a tad dubious about the Soulwax stuff as I have bought Soulwax CDs before and they have been a lot more expensive, but I was extremely pleasantly surprised to find out it was the Soulwax that was delivered, all 50+ hours of it. If you have never heard Soulwax before then I highly recommend it. Also look for 2Many DJs, Hang all DJs, Radio Soulwax and As Heard on Radio Soulwax, it's all the same. I bought this lot from an ebay seller called 'lostdigital' and it was all on a DVD which I simply burned to my laptop. Perfect, I would also recommend purchasing stuff from 'lostdigital' if you are ever shopping on ebay.

Bit of a shame it wasn't me Capsaicin crystals, but then again I suppose I am only gonna look at them and never going to eat them. Or am I?

I made a crazy mad pizza tonight. Not a Killer Pizza, but a crazy ass stupid pizza. The base had chilli flakes in it, the sauce had Blairs Ultra Death in it, the Quorn was marinated in Dave's Insanity Sauce and it was drizzled with the Mad Dog 357 Pure Ghost I cooked the prawns in. Oh and I used a couple of chopped Bird Eye chillis in the topping too. I think I am going to bleed from downstairs tomorrow.

I got some strange looks earlier today. I was in Doncaster having a wander around the shops when I decided to go for a coffee. I went to Costa, as I usually do, and ordered an espresso doppio. Being a smoker, I went outside to drink it so I could have a cigarette. This is when I got the funny looks, as it was raining at the time. I don't see the problem, Costa have big umbrellas outside and it wasn't cold. I was dry, it wasn't cold, I could smoke so I was happy. Let em laugh, I say, let em laugh.

I was quite proud of myslef too, I managed to walk around the market and go to Asda
without buying any chillis or chilli sauce. I think 14 bottles of the stuff is more than adequate for now, don't you?
Mind you, the only reason I didn't buy any chillis in Asda was because they only had mild ones, and there aint a lot of point to them.

I forgot to pick up Liz's bicycle helmet whilst I was in town, so that means that it won't be able to be lying around the house for at least a week when we will have time to go and collect it.
I was thinking about buying another slow cooker, to go in the spare bedroom for when we had guests but we don't have guests very often so I didn't bother. If we do have guests they can borrow the one in the downstairs bathroom as we don't use that very often either. Well, not for baths anyway.

You know what I said about bleeding? Why put something off until tomorrow when you can get it out of the way today?
Godinheavenhelpme it was spicy.............

Friday, 4 February 2011

Friday 4th December 2011

I drove past a sign today for a "Lead Mine Museum."
What sort of person would want to go to a Lead Mine Museum? Seeing how we are not allowed to have lead in our paint anymore, or even in our pencils due to the fact that it is allegedely dangerous, why would you want to go to a mine full of the stuff?
"I know what we can do today kids, we can go to that poisonous lead mine, make sure you don't lick the walls too much though."

What about that wind? It has been so windy when I parked my car in the drive I thought that either the drive had shrunk or my car had grown. Turned out that the wind had blown the wheelie bins forward thus making me reverse into them. Good job it wasn't a small child, for two reasons really; one, it would be a bit cruel making them stand out in this weather all day, and; two, I knocked one of them over and I wouldn't want that on my conscience, well who would??

I saw two lorries on their side this afternoon, on the A66. For those of you who don't know much about lorries, they are not supposed to go on their sides. The wind had blown them over. I did wonder why there were signs at each end of the A66 stating that the road was closed to high sided vehicles, and there was my answer. If only the lorry drivers had been in my seat instead of being thrown around in their own, they might have realised too and not driven along a road that was closed to them.
I suppose you could say that it served them right, and it probably did.

All this stuff about Egypt is starting to bore me now, it's on the news 24/7 but it doesn't really change from on news bulletin to the next. Demonstrators from the anti-Mubarack faction demonstrating and demonstrators from the pro-Mubarack faction demonstrating. Maybe even demonstrators from both the anti- and the pro-Mubarack factions fighting. The army ineptly trying to appear to appease both sides but failing in both trying and appeasing. Why can't they do something different, like have a dance off or a huge game of Twister?

Still waiting for either my Capsaicin crystals or my Soulwax CDs to arrive,maybe both.
I sound unsure becuase the package that the stupid postman didn't knock on my door with on Tuesday remains uncollected as I have yet been able to get to the Postoffice. It maybe one or the other of these, or it may be something completely different. We'll see tomorrow, hopfully.
The big question is, if it is the crystals, should I try them or not. Fuck, I should have got two lots.............

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Wednesday 2nd February 2011

What a day. Drove to Croydon, left at quarter to six, took me six hours.

Got stuck on the A14 due to a lorry fire, the thing was gutted, so was the driver presumably. Both sides of the road shut, and all the trees looked as if they had been covered with snow.
Next up was the M11. That was stop start too, only this time for no apparent reason.
I hate that, at least with the first one their was physical evidence, someone to blame for being late, someone to shout at as you drive by and laugh at their misfortune.


But with the second one, the M11, there was no schadenfreude. No one to blame, just moving traffic again with no visible sign of a reason to be stuck.
I fucking hate that. It makes you wonder if it is all a conspiracy by the gobblement to reduce peoples speed and therefore reduce road accidents. All it does with me is raise my blood pressure and drive me crazy.

Spent about an hour and a half on site and then drove back, desperately trying to get to my next appointment in Worksop, at five o'clock.
Like that was ever going to happen. Got there at quarter to six in the end. Got home at quarter past eight and had something to eat.

Back on the road at half three tomorrow morning, so forgive me for keeping this short, just thought I'd have a whinge about flaming lorries and non-events.............

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Tuesday 1st February 2011

February already, where does the time go? It only seems like it was about a month ago that we were celebrating the new year!

Are there any legal experts out there? I am in need of some advice.
I received a letter at the beginning of January from a debt collection agency (who's name I shan't mention) saying that I owed money from an
unpaid utility bill from a previous address. I rang them to say that I had paid all my utility bills from that address when I moved therefore, as far as I was concerned, there was no debt. The lady from the debt company claimed that they had a copy of the outstanding bill which proved that I hadn't paid so I asked her to forward a copy to me, by post, which she agreed to do.
Last week I received a second letter stating that I still had not paid the outstanding debt, but no mention nor sight of the alleged outstanding bill. So I ring the company and they check their records and yes, agree that I had had the conversation but the bill is 27 pages long so if I want it posted then I have to pay the postage. I refused, saying that, as far as I am concerned, there is no debt to pay so if they wish to disprove this they need to send me the bill and I am not prepared to pay for them to do so. Their reply was "that's fine, we will just keep ringing you to ask for the money and the debt will keep going up."
So, all you legal eagles out there, should I pay for the postage of this bill or should I stick to my guns and refuse to send them a stamped addressed envelope? If the debt continues to rise and I have to go to court, will I have a leg to stand on or will I just end up paying out shit loads of money?

I was working from home today and have been sat at my desk all day, chained to the computer. At lunchtime I walked past the front door and found a note from the postman
on the floor of the hall telling me that he had called but there was no one to sign for my package. As I have just stated, I was in the house all morning. The only time I got up from the computer was to either go to the loo or go to the back door to have a cigarette. I suppose having a dog that never barks doesn't help. Soppy cow could've told me that someone was there. Dangerous dog, my arse. I mean, look at her, she is a big soppy ha'peth. Bless her, she don't half snore though. Apologies for the carpet, I inherited it. The good thing about it is, it doesn't matter what I spill on it, it doesn't show up.
Anyhow, I trudge down to the post office this afternoon only to be told that the package is
not there yet, it should be in tomorrow and the postman should have written on the card that it couldn't be collected for 24 hours. Well he didn't and the sour-faced woman behind the counter didn't care, simply saying that I would have to talk to the postman about him not knocking when he pushed his little note through the door.
How can I speak to the fucking postman when he doesn't fucking knock on the fucking door, bitch????

I'm all stressed out now.