Someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm. I know, it's been comin' for some time. When it's over, so they say, it'll rain a sunny day. I know, shinin' down like water.
The company I work for works for a company that works for a company that is holding a hog roast tomorrow.
Unfortunately, tomorrow is the only day in gawd knows how long when the Met Office (and others) have forecast heavy rain. All day.
It is a celebration to celebrate the wondrous achievment of working for two million man hours without reporting a reportable accident.
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| Don't pay the ferryman |
However I suppose if it rains hard enough, like proper pisses down, then it may put a dampener on the hog roast. Which will be a shame. All those hungry workers expecting a bit of tasty cooked pig flesh. Nice bit of crackling.
Even if the fires go out, it won't save the pig I suppose. Too late for that poor creature.
I'm using the singular here. How many mouths will one pig feed?
And I don't mean a mummy pig feeding her cute little piglettos. I guess she would only be governed by how many teats she has. And how much milk she produces I suppose.
No, I'm talking about how many hairy arsed construction workers a dead hog will provide it's flesh for.
The reason I'm asking this is that there must be around 600 people working on the job, and not all of them will be non meat eating hypocrites like myslef.
It's gonna have to be a fucking big pig to feed 'em all!
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| This might do it..... |
Maybe they will surprise everyone and have several hogs and several roasts, a multiple hog roast, an orgy of spit roasting action, if you will.
Which reminds me of a bloke I used to work with. Now I may have told this story before, so bear with me and offer forgiveness if I have, but I can't be arsed to go back in time to check.
Anyhoo, this bloke, who I shall call Mike* for no other reason than that was his name, had a young daughter. His daughter I shall call Tammy*, for no other reason then that was her name (possibly).
Mike* had the opportunity to purchase a hog roast kit, for want of a betterer description. He saw it as an opportunity to make a little extra cash on the side, at weekends et cetera.
He also thought it would be a nice idea to name his new venture after his 14 year old daughter.
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| John D'Oh Likes..... |
The next thing we knew we had fliers appear at work advertising Tammy's* Spit Roast Services.
I kid you not. Only local mind you, so you had to live near Worksop*.
Being the non-meat eating hypocritically fish munching fellow I am, I never had the dubious sounding pleasure some sampling any of Tammy's* Spit Roasting Services. I'm not even sure how long the ill-named venture lasted.
Maybe Mike* was arrested, as I didn't really hear much about him after that.
Did you see the news today?
God it's depressing isn't it. We have that foppy haired cunt, Boris Johnson, refusing to apologise for sticking up for Muslim women's rights to wear or not wear a burka or niqab by calling them post boxes and saying they look like bank robbers.
I wonder if he actually knows the difference between a burka and a niqab, or a hijab for that matter.
I'd like to see him in a burka, a proper one with a veil. A very dark veil. A veil made of steel mesh. With high voltage electric running through it.
That would make his hair stand up.
Of course I'm joking about Boris. I wouldn't really like any real harm to come to the jolly old bumbling buffoon. I mean, he's just showing his British sense of humour isn't he?!?
I'm sure he will apologise, once he returns from his European holiday.
I don't know if he always has European holidays, or he is just getting one last one in before it's infinitley more difficult to get into Europe.
Or anywhere off mainland Britain for that matter.
Anyways, enough of all this maudlin shit, I'm off to stock up on tinned fish.
And maybe a can of beans or three.....
*some names and places may, or may not, have been changed or altered to protect the innocent, guilty, either/neither or both.
I'd like to see him in a burka, a proper one with a veil. A very dark veil. A veil made of steel mesh. With high voltage electric running through it.
That would make his hair stand up.
Of course I'm joking about Boris. I wouldn't really like any real harm to come to the jolly old bumbling buffoon. I mean, he's just showing his British sense of humour isn't he?!?
I'm sure he will apologise, once he returns from his European holiday.
I don't know if he always has European holidays, or he is just getting one last one in before it's infinitley more difficult to get into Europe.
Or anywhere off mainland Britain for that matter.
Anyways, enough of all this maudlin shit, I'm off to stock up on tinned fish.
And maybe a can of beans or three.....
*some names and places may, or may not, have been changed or altered to protect the innocent, guilty, either/neither or both.
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