Sunday 30th January 2011

Just got back from Somerset and fuck me the house is cold.

Trouble is, when I've been away for a few days the boiler goes out and at this time of year the coal gets damp and it takes an age to light it. I've used about three boxes of firelighters so far and I think the coal is just about dry now. Hopefully it will light soon and I can get the heating on.
I really must look at dragging myslef into the 21st century and get a proper cental heating system. Trouble is, in this current economic climate, and with the ongoing threat of redundancy ever-present, maybe now is not such a good time. I'll have to struggle on with me damp coal I suppose.

I may have to employ a little person to come in and light it for me before I come home. I'm not being derogatory to small people, but they would have to be little to get through the bathroom window. It's the only one I could leave open without burglars being able to get in. Unless they were dwarf burglars of course, but then they wouldn't be able to nick much, not if they were real small cause they wouldn't be able to carry the big stuff.
I suppose they could be the 'entry man' for normal sized people though, get through the little window and open the front door from the inside to let all the bigger people in. I must remember that and make sure I hang the keys way up high.

Anyway, the little fella could come in on a Sunday afternoon and light the fire. Maybe

make me a meal for when I return. I'm never that hungry, but normally want something, so a little meal would be perfect. Maybe chefs who cook 'Nouvelle Cuisine' are dwarf wannabes. All their portions are miniscule. Maybe they either want to be dwarves or want to cater for them. Maybe they are dwarves themselves. You very rarely see chefs, except on TV and people do say that the camera adds pounds to people. Maybe it adds height too. Who knows.
I'm not trying to be rude to dwarves here, I am just throwing a fews ideas around, so if any dwarves are reading then: no offence guys.


God this house is still fucking cold. The fire is now lit, but it takes bastard forever to warm up. I think I will have to sleep fully clothed tonight.............