Monday 13th June 2011

@uk is a tweeter. He/she has a twitter account. He/she has not made any tweets yet. Not one. Nada, nought, zilch, zero. But he/she has 4830 followers. How is this possible? Is he/she the second coming? Maybe David Icke in disguise.

I bought a camera the other day. Bought it off Amazon and it was a good deal. Well I was

really looking forward to it being delivered. Today, at about twenty to two, I happened to look on the Amazon website and saw, on the 'Track Your Order' thingy that my order had been delivered seven minutes earlier and was at my next-door-neighbour's house. So when I got home, I barely had time to put my stuff inside, visit Paul's house and put the shopping away before I was knocking on the door next door. Batteries in, instruction booklet quickly browsed, I went to take my first photo.

Well fuck me gently, the fucking thing doesn't bastard work does it? Turn it on and the screen on the back turns on. It will record videos and it will zoom in and out. But the fucking shutter button doesn't work. The shutter button, you know, the one that you press to take a freaking photograph, doesn't bastard work. Now a camera that doesn't take photographs is about as useful as a catapult without a schoolboy.
But I have told Amazon that it is faulty and they have promised to send another one in the next 1 - 2 days. So that'll be good, it means I will still have it before I go on holiday.

I got attacked by a bottle of chilli sauce tonight. Envy, it was. I was looking forward to it and it must have realised because as I opened it, it ejaculated all over my hand. It spurted over the kitchen sink too. Shame really as it looked quite nice before I opened the bottle. Had Kiwi fruit in it and everything.

Anyhoo, they say bad things happen in threes. Well I've had my camera and I've had my kiwi fruit chilli sauce. So what next?

I'm watching 'The Whole Ten Yards' on the telly at the mo and, although it's fairly funny in places, I have just realised that I really should have watched 'The Whole Nine Yards' and I would probably be understanding this one a bit better. Things like; why has Bruce Willis gone a bit doolally and what is Matthew Perry doing and who are all the others. Stuff like that. And who ever heard of someone dying after they got shot in the foot?

Anyone know who @uk is yet? Let me know if you do.............