A funny thing happened to me today.
I took my dog out for a walk, we went to the local field and had a rare old time, me throwing the ball and the dog fetching it back for me to throw again.
The dog did it's business and me, being the responsible dog owner I am, bagged it and binned it.
Once we had enough we headed home and I fed the tired mutt
It was only when I had settled down in front of the tele that I realised that I don't actually own a dog.
Alarm Clock
Ants use alarm clocks.
I'm sure of it.
I walked out of my kitchen today at half past four and went upstairs to do what everyone does at half past four on a Sunday, tuned the television.
Why do teles need tuning at half past for every Sunday?
I don't know, but anyway, I digress.
When I came back downstairs there were about fifty thousand ants in my kitchen.
They were crawling around the floor but there were the flying ones too.
Now I fucking hate ants, so I got out my cigarette lighter and burnt the bastards.
They didn't like that, not one little bit.
Anyway, back to the point, why did they all come out at half past four?
Just as I was tuning the tele!
Perhaps they knew.
Lasagne.
I made a mean one tonight.
But I didn't put any prawns in it.
Not even one........
Sunday, 8 August 2010
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Saturday 7th August 2010 pt 2
If sheep were killers, what would their weapon of choice be?
It couldn't be a hand held weapon like a gun due to their lack of opposable thumbs.
An ape could possibly fire a gun, given the right training, but not a sheep.
A sheep would have to use some sort of computerised weapon.
But even then the computer would have to be specially adapted to allow it to use the keys properly.
It would have to be a large floor based keyboard with oversized keys, a bit like the piano in the toy shop in that Christmas film.
Then, given minimal training, a sheep could probably fire a heat seeking missile.
Or something.
Who makes all the Baked Beans in the world?
Is it many different companies or are they all made by the same one?
And if it is one company, is that company Heinz, or does someone else make them.
I mean, if Heinz make them all, why are they the most expensive?
You would think that they would work it so they were the cheapest and therefore sell more, wouldn't you?
I had a chinese takeaway the other night.
You never get baked beans from a chinese takeaway.
Or maybe you do.
Maybe you do and they just call them something else.
And they taste different because they're chinese.
Maybe the chinese make all baked beans and sell them to the entire world.
A global cartel.
Maybe the baked bean global cartel is run by chinese sheep.
Or maybe aliens......
It couldn't be a hand held weapon like a gun due to their lack of opposable thumbs.
An ape could possibly fire a gun, given the right training, but not a sheep.
A sheep would have to use some sort of computerised weapon.
But even then the computer would have to be specially adapted to allow it to use the keys properly.
It would have to be a large floor based keyboard with oversized keys, a bit like the piano in the toy shop in that Christmas film.
Then, given minimal training, a sheep could probably fire a heat seeking missile.
Or something.
Who makes all the Baked Beans in the world?
Is it many different companies or are they all made by the same one?
And if it is one company, is that company Heinz, or does someone else make them.
I mean, if Heinz make them all, why are they the most expensive?
You would think that they would work it so they were the cheapest and therefore sell more, wouldn't you?
I had a chinese takeaway the other night.
You never get baked beans from a chinese takeaway.
Or maybe you do.
Maybe you do and they just call them something else.
And they taste different because they're chinese.
Maybe the chinese make all baked beans and sell them to the entire world.
A global cartel.
Maybe the baked bean global cartel is run by chinese sheep.
Or maybe aliens......
Saturday 7th August 2010
Aliens.
What do you think aliens would think if they visited Earth?
Do you think they would be happy?
Maybe they are already here and that is the reason behind war.
Aliens aren't happy with something so they start a war to punish us.
But that would mean that who ever won the war must be the aliens.
Or at least the leaders of the winning side are aliens.
Perhaps it's just politicians that are aliens, all of them.
Especially that one who looks like Mr Spock.
What was his name? I can't frigging remember.
Maybe it'll come to me.
Coal.
I once told an ex-wife that the coal in the coal bunker at the bottom of my garden needed throwing out and replacing as it was too old and wouldn't work anymore.
She believed me.
Stupid fucker.
Trouble was, she ordered some more and got Adrian, the coal man, to take the 'old' stuff away.
He must have thought we were right cunts.
Well I was cause I was the prick who had to pay for it.
What's the difference between a prawn and a shrimp?
It's not a joke, I don't know the answer, so answers on a postcard to the usual address.
John Redwood, that's the fucker..........
What do you think aliens would think if they visited Earth?
Do you think they would be happy?
Maybe they are already here and that is the reason behind war.
Aliens aren't happy with something so they start a war to punish us.
But that would mean that who ever won the war must be the aliens.
Or at least the leaders of the winning side are aliens.
Perhaps it's just politicians that are aliens, all of them.
Especially that one who looks like Mr Spock.
What was his name? I can't frigging remember.
Maybe it'll come to me.
Coal.
I once told an ex-wife that the coal in the coal bunker at the bottom of my garden needed throwing out and replacing as it was too old and wouldn't work anymore.
She believed me.
Stupid fucker.
Trouble was, she ordered some more and got Adrian, the coal man, to take the 'old' stuff away.
He must have thought we were right cunts.
Well I was cause I was the prick who had to pay for it.
What's the difference between a prawn and a shrimp?
It's not a joke, I don't know the answer, so answers on a postcard to the usual address.
John Redwood, that's the fucker..........
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Friday 6th August 2010
I wasn't born under a wandering star.
I don't know anyone who was.
Or even anyone who has ever seen a wandering star.
Shooting stars, well that's different.
Its got Vic and Bob. And Ulrika ka ka ka.
I went to see them along time ago and Bob caught an apple in his mouth.
Quite impressive really.
Tattoos.
I was going to get my kid's names tattooed but my arms weren't long enough, so I'm looking for a surgeon who will perform arm extensions for me.
Surely there has to be one in Croatia or somewhere?
I suppose that if I went abroad then I wouldn't get it done on the NHS.
Or maybe I would now that I am officially unemployed.
I wonder if Vic or Bob have any tattoos?
I bet they have.
I bet Vic has a tattoo of a daffodil or something like that.
On his ankle.
Talking of ankles, I read somewhere that an elephant is the only mammal to have four knees.
And it can't jump.
Not at all.
Not an inch.
They would be no good in a steeplechase.....
I don't know anyone who was.
Or even anyone who has ever seen a wandering star.
Shooting stars, well that's different.
Its got Vic and Bob. And Ulrika ka ka ka.
I went to see them along time ago and Bob caught an apple in his mouth.
Quite impressive really.
Tattoos.
I was going to get my kid's names tattooed but my arms weren't long enough, so I'm looking for a surgeon who will perform arm extensions for me.
Surely there has to be one in Croatia or somewhere?
I suppose that if I went abroad then I wouldn't get it done on the NHS.
Or maybe I would now that I am officially unemployed.
I wonder if Vic or Bob have any tattoos?
I bet they have.
I bet Vic has a tattoo of a daffodil or something like that.
On his ankle.
Talking of ankles, I read somewhere that an elephant is the only mammal to have four knees.
And it can't jump.
Not at all.
Not an inch.
They would be no good in a steeplechase.....
Thursday 5th August 2010
Old people.
Old people are sometimes stereotyped into doddery forgetful folk that smell of piss.
Bit unfair really.
My parents are quite old, but they don't smell of piss.
Fish maybe, but not piss.
In fact my Dad, who is 84, still manages to ride a bicycle.
He's not so good going up hills mind, but he's a dab hand at going down the fuckers.
Still got an eye for the ladies too, randy old goat.
I got butted by a goat once.
Bastards have got eyes that are the wrong way round, have you ever noticed?
The coloured bit (fuck knows what it's called) is horizontal.
What's all that about?
Animals of the devil.
Lucifer.
Visited Georgia once.
Lost his violin, in a bet.
Someone ought to write a song about that.
Have you noticed that songs all sound the same these days?
Most of them anyway.
Last day at work tomorrow, can't wait to get out of that shithole now.
I may just have to start making crank calls next week.
Although that might lead to making false claims or something equally stupid and I'd end up in court again.
Fuck it, I might even make some money out of them.
Interview next week.
Should I tell them about my community service yet or wait till I get the job?
Old people are sometimes stereotyped into doddery forgetful folk that smell of piss.
Bit unfair really.
My parents are quite old, but they don't smell of piss.
Fish maybe, but not piss.
In fact my Dad, who is 84, still manages to ride a bicycle.
He's not so good going up hills mind, but he's a dab hand at going down the fuckers.
Still got an eye for the ladies too, randy old goat.
I got butted by a goat once.
Bastards have got eyes that are the wrong way round, have you ever noticed?
The coloured bit (fuck knows what it's called) is horizontal.
What's all that about?
Animals of the devil.
Lucifer.
Visited Georgia once.
Lost his violin, in a bet.
Someone ought to write a song about that.
Have you noticed that songs all sound the same these days?
Most of them anyway.
Last day at work tomorrow, can't wait to get out of that shithole now.
I may just have to start making crank calls next week.
Although that might lead to making false claims or something equally stupid and I'd end up in court again.
Fuck it, I might even make some money out of them.
Interview next week.
Should I tell them about my community service yet or wait till I get the job?
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Tuesday 3rd August 2010
Community Service.
Unpaid work, 200 hours of it.
And it all starts next Wednesday at five o'clock.
I had an appointment today with the probation service to find out what my punishment will be for the next gawd knows how long.
I shall be wading in the River Don removing old pieces of lead weight that irresponsible fishermen have left behind.
Should quite enjoy it to be honest, I might save up all the bits of lead, smelt it down into a club and beat the lazy fucking twat fishermen around the bastard ear with it if I ever see them dropping more.
Only joking, of course (especially if anyone from the probation office is reading), but you gotta feel sorry for the swans haven't you?
And the ducks, mustn't forget the ducks.
Did you know the longest flight ever made by a chicken was nine seconds.
I wonder if it was just falling?
I used to have a mate called Swanny.
Not his real name of course, that would be fucking stupid, but he had a very long neck and he used to read your newspaper over your shoulder.
Wonder what he's doing now?
Driving buses or something I wouldn't doubt.....
Unpaid work, 200 hours of it.
And it all starts next Wednesday at five o'clock.
I had an appointment today with the probation service to find out what my punishment will be for the next gawd knows how long.
I shall be wading in the River Don removing old pieces of lead weight that irresponsible fishermen have left behind.
Should quite enjoy it to be honest, I might save up all the bits of lead, smelt it down into a club and beat the lazy fucking twat fishermen around the bastard ear with it if I ever see them dropping more.
Only joking, of course (especially if anyone from the probation office is reading), but you gotta feel sorry for the swans haven't you?
And the ducks, mustn't forget the ducks.
Did you know the longest flight ever made by a chicken was nine seconds.
I wonder if it was just falling?
I used to have a mate called Swanny.
Not his real name of course, that would be fucking stupid, but he had a very long neck and he used to read your newspaper over your shoulder.
Wonder what he's doing now?
Driving buses or something I wouldn't doubt.....
Monday, 2 August 2010
Monday 2nd August 2010
Today is Monday, the clue is in the title.
Yesterday I was going to go to a party in a park in Rawmarsh but I couldn't be arsed.
Just as well really as I heard it was a total pile of shite.
I took Jess out instead, she enjoyed it.
Today I started my last week at work.
I've been made redundant.
How the fuck did that happen?
I know I can't be arsed most of the time, but fuck me there are worse twats in the office.
That prick Trevor for a start.
Anyhoo, I'm off at the end of the week so I'd better get an offer from one of the bastard vulture agent twats that I have contacted otherwise it's the bread line for me.
I've also noticed that one of the adverts on the side of this blog is for "Cheese and Paneer" but then goes onto describe the ' cheese and panner' that it sells.
Useless twats..........
Yesterday I was going to go to a party in a park in Rawmarsh but I couldn't be arsed.
Just as well really as I heard it was a total pile of shite.
I took Jess out instead, she enjoyed it.
Today I started my last week at work.
I've been made redundant.
How the fuck did that happen?
I know I can't be arsed most of the time, but fuck me there are worse twats in the office.
That prick Trevor for a start.
Anyhoo, I'm off at the end of the week so I'd better get an offer from one of the bastard vulture agent twats that I have contacted otherwise it's the bread line for me.
I've also noticed that one of the adverts on the side of this blog is for "Cheese and Paneer" but then goes onto describe the ' cheese and panner' that it sells.
Useless twats..........
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