Wednesday 3rd August 2011

I know you're antiseptic, your deodorant smells nice. I'd like to get to know you but you're deep frozen like the ice.

I was driving up the M1 today (I think. I know it was today, but it may have been the M40) when I entered some roadworks with a 50mph speed limit and average speed cameras. As I entered the roadworks, the matrix sign said "Leicester 15 miles 15 minutes" which made me think. To do 15 miles in 15 minutes I would need to do an average of 60 miles per hour (60mph = 1 mile a minute, for all you thickies). To do this I have two choices: [1] to drive ALL the way at 60mph but this would mean breaking the speed limit through the roadworks and get a speeding ticket or [2] drive through the roadworks at 50mph and then work out for how long I would have to increase my speed and to what speed once I had passed the roadworks to get the average to 60mph, because as I had been driving under the average for a time I would have to drive for the same distance at the same difference of speed as before but in the positive and not the negative.

If I did that, I would crash. And I probably wouldn't even notice.

I am eating some "White Snowies" and fuck me everywhichway they are noisy. If you don't know what White Snowies are, use the Google button. But use it with caution my friend because you never know what you may find.

Liz's windscreen wipers broke yesterday. We had to get them fixed today. She rang me and asked what I thought the maximum she should pay to have them fixed was. Now there aint a lot I know about cars. I know where the driver's seat is and I know how to sit in it. I also know how to turn the steering wheel and press the necessary pedals at the same time. Who says that it's only women who can multitask?

Anyhoo, I digress. It didn't really matter how much the repair to the wipers cost, they had to be fixed. She needs the car for work and she could hardly ring work every time it rained to say that she couldn't come in today due to the weather, could she?
So it's done, and just in time as we had a thunderstorm tonight.

Can you imagine though, when the first car was invented and made and the first ever car salesman was trying to sell it? "So Sir, you sit here and hold this large round thing. You have to press this pedal, here, and the car will move forward. Yes Sir, by itself. Turn the large round thing, we shall call it the 'Steering Wheel', every time you want to turn a corner and this will turn the two wheels at the front. No you don't have to get out of the car to turn them Sir, they will turn themselves and if you tried it you would run yourslef over. To stop? Should you wish to stop, Sir, just press the left pedal."

Ask yourself this. Would YOU believe the man who told you this if all you had ever used for transport was a horse?

I would recommend a blog to you, but if you go off and read it you may never come back. It's this but make sure you read it once then leave it a fucking lone.............