Pinch and a punch and all that bollocks.
Don't you just hate it when you want to give someone money and they don't seem to want to take it.
I mean, I am already giving them money every month, but I want to give them more.
But only in return for something.
My better half told me not to, told me they were shit, told me their customer services was crap.
I should have listened to her.
She ain't called the better half for nowt.
Anyhoo, I'm talking about Vodafone, the shower of shite.
I was eligible for an upgrade so I went to the shop in town.
I really fucking hate going to town cause the lifts in the car park take about half a bastard hour to arrive and then by the time they do arrive so have around thirty other people who all need the lift.
So you have to stand there for 30 minutes, getting agitated, and then you have to squeeze into a little metal box that groans down the one floor to the middle of Debenhams.
You might wonder why I don't just take the stairs.
"Run down the stairs you lazy cunt", I hear you shout, "it's only one floor."
Well I can't, cause the bright bastards in the shopping centre have shut them off, made them emergency stairs only.
So, after getting all agitated waiting for the lift, and then getting all sweaty in the lift with 36 other people, I finally get to the Vodafone shop, choose the new sparkly funky shiny handset I want and go to one of the desks.
All going ok so far, the assistant gets the handset, apologises as they only have it in black (do I look like I want a white fucking phone?) and starts to take my details.
This is where it starts to go wrong for the fuckwits that are Vodafone.
I don't mean the woman in the shop, she was ok, friendly enough and she was only doing as the computer said. And in this case, the computer said "no".
Why? Why? Because I have the phone on a business account, registered to a limited business at that.
This means, obviously, that I cannot get an upgrade in the shop, I have to do it on-line or call customer services.
Well fuck calling anyone, I'll be on hold for 3 fucking hours listening to shitty music and a message telling my how important my call is.
I know it's important, that's why I made it.
It ain't that fucking important to you though Vodafone, is it, otherwise you would answer.
So I go on-line.
"You are wasting your time," the better half tells me, "their customer service is shite"
I went on line on 24th January and, almost immediately, got a reply.
HA! Ha ha! Shite customer service eh, a reply almost immediately. How is that shite customer service?
Well it was. It was shite.
It was an automated email reply from a 'do not reply' address telling me that my enquiry had been received, was very important and would be passed onto the customer service team. I was to expect a reply in 48hrs.
Two things, Vodafone, two things.
Firstly, who the fuck did I send the email to in the first place if you are forwarding it onto the customer service team? Why not just give me the email address of the customer service team in the first place?
Secondly, where is my reply, you cunts.
Saturday 24th January to Sunday 1st February is a little longer than 48hrs, even if you take out the weekends, which I shouldn't have to do as your shops open at weekends.
So it's been over a week and you haven't replied, even though you claim my business is important to you.
Not important enough to let me get a better handset and pay you more money than I already do though, eh.
Hurry up and get in touch, ya bastards, so I can cancel my contract and go with EE, or O2, or someone.
Don't you just hate it when you want to give someone money and they don't seem to want to take it.
I mean, I am already giving them money every month, but I want to give them more.
But only in return for something.
My better half told me not to, told me they were shit, told me their customer services was crap.
I should have listened to her.
She ain't called the better half for nowt.
Anyhoo, I'm talking about Vodafone, the shower of shite.
I was eligible for an upgrade so I went to the shop in town.
I really fucking hate going to town cause the lifts in the car park take about half a bastard hour to arrive and then by the time they do arrive so have around thirty other people who all need the lift.
So you have to stand there for 30 minutes, getting agitated, and then you have to squeeze into a little metal box that groans down the one floor to the middle of Debenhams.
You might wonder why I don't just take the stairs.
"Run down the stairs you lazy cunt", I hear you shout, "it's only one floor."
Well I can't, cause the bright bastards in the shopping centre have shut them off, made them emergency stairs only.
So, after getting all agitated waiting for the lift, and then getting all sweaty in the lift with 36 other people, I finally get to the Vodafone shop, choose the new sparkly funky shiny handset I want and go to one of the desks.
All going ok so far, the assistant gets the handset, apologises as they only have it in black (do I look like I want a white fucking phone?) and starts to take my details.
This is where it starts to go wrong for the fuckwits that are Vodafone.
I don't mean the woman in the shop, she was ok, friendly enough and she was only doing as the computer said. And in this case, the computer said "no".
Why? Why? Because I have the phone on a business account, registered to a limited business at that.
This means, obviously, that I cannot get an upgrade in the shop, I have to do it on-line or call customer services.
Well fuck calling anyone, I'll be on hold for 3 fucking hours listening to shitty music and a message telling my how important my call is.
I know it's important, that's why I made it.
It ain't that fucking important to you though Vodafone, is it, otherwise you would answer.
So I go on-line.
"You are wasting your time," the better half tells me, "their customer service is shite"
I went on line on 24th January and, almost immediately, got a reply.
HA! Ha ha! Shite customer service eh, a reply almost immediately. How is that shite customer service?
Well it was. It was shite.
It was an automated email reply from a 'do not reply' address telling me that my enquiry had been received, was very important and would be passed onto the customer service team. I was to expect a reply in 48hrs.
Two things, Vodafone, two things.
Firstly, who the fuck did I send the email to in the first place if you are forwarding it onto the customer service team? Why not just give me the email address of the customer service team in the first place?
Secondly, where is my reply, you cunts.
Saturday 24th January to Sunday 1st February is a little longer than 48hrs, even if you take out the weekends, which I shouldn't have to do as your shops open at weekends.
So it's been over a week and you haven't replied, even though you claim my business is important to you.
Not important enough to let me get a better handset and pay you more money than I already do though, eh.
Hurry up and get in touch, ya bastards, so I can cancel my contract and go with EE, or O2, or someone.
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