Wednesday 23rd May 2012

The following is an article written by a fine fellow called Wellhiem Phuqtifino whilst he was at Uni. It was an article for a "Critical Thinking" Class, whatever the fuck THAT means.


Anyhoo, I found it amusing, and oh so true in such a lot of ways.


"Thinking should be discouraged for the benefit of the species"

Throughout the natural world, life has been able to survive changes in
climate, largely due to variation. As an example, take the roots of a
plant. In any given environment, there will be an ideal length for its
roots to be. Too short and fewer nutrients will be taken up to convert
into foliage, seeds and pollen. Too long and more energy will be
required to maintain them, leaving less to convert into foliage etc..
The actual length of root found however will vary. Some plants will have
longer roots and some shorter. If we were to measure each plants roots
and plot them graphically, then we would find that we have what is known
as a normal distribution curve. At the centre of this curve, would be
the average length and this is where the majority of plants would lie.
As we get further away from the centre, we would find fewer and fewer
plants at either extreme.
This is due to natural selection. Plants with an ideal root length are
more likely to pass on their genes and so produce more offspring with
ideal root length, and so :-

The average and the ideal are equal.

Over time environments change. Should our plants find themselves
stricken by drought, then those with longer roots, would be more able to
find the nutrients that are necessary for reproduction. Conversely
should the environment become enriched, then those with shorter roots
would take the advantage. Either way, as these plants become more
successful at passing on there genes, more and more offspring will be
produced with this new ideal root length, and some will be produced at
either side of the ideal. Root length will still follow a normal
distribution curve, but the average will have changed. Therefore:-

The equality between the average and the ideal is maintained.

The normal distribution curve is everywhere. It describes the height a
flea can jump and the wingspan of an eagle. All things with any natural
variation adhere to it. Humans are no exception.
People vary in height, from 4 feet to 7 feet. The vast majority of
Europeans are around the average of 5 feet 9 inches. North African
plainsmen tend to be tall and slender, whilst the Eskimo tends to be
short and squat by comparison. A tall slim figure is more able to dispel
heat, whereas a short squat one conserves it. Europeans, Africans and
Eskimos, all vary in body shape within their own respective cultures,
with the average being suited to the environment in which they live. In
each case anyone who is too tall and slender will have difficulty in
maintaining sufficient body heat and anyone too short and squat will be
in danger of over heating. So in any environment:-

People at either extreme, of the normal distribution curve, are equally
disadvantaged.

So much for root length and body shape. Now let’s move on, to the far
more interesting subject, of human intelligence.
I.Q. tests have been carried out, over many years, on millions of
people. Not surprisingly, the results have followed the normal
distribution curve, with the average I.Q. being 100. Very few people
score below 70 or above 140.
The jury is still out as to a definition of intelligence, or whether it
is really reflected by I.Q. scores, but however it is defined, as long
as it varies between individuals, you can be sure that it will follow
the normal distribution curve.
The important phrase to remember here is "in any given environment". In
an average school, catering for the average pupil, those with a very low
I.Q., will struggle to keep up, whilst those at the other end of the
scale, will tend to become bored. So special schools are set up in order
to cater for these extremes. Even within these schools, there will be
variation, with some pupils being relatively high and others being
relatively low in I.Q..
This form of segregation, tends to continue beyond school years, into
the work place. Very few, if any, work places have the PhD. working
along side the person who goes to adult literacy classes in the
evenings.
However unlike the North African plainsman and the Eskimo, people of all
levels of intelligence, have to inter-react in the environment we call
society.
Imagine a party. Lots of people. Mostly having a good time. All of
around average in terms of intelligence, except for two. These two, are
at opposite ends, of the intelligence scale. As the conversation turns
to the current plot on Eastenders, one finds the story line far too
complicated to follow, whilst the other has only watched it once and
found it banal, so always watches the documentary on channel 4 instead.
Both are excluded from the conversation and are equally disadvantaged.
Now suppose that the host of this party, makes an effort, to include
these two guests, by turning the conversation to astro-physics, or
suggesting a childish party game. In either case, the rest of the guests
soon lose interest and start to enjoy themselves less. So:-

In order to cater for either extreme, the party as a whole suffers.

This party is analogous with society. Most of us will readily accept, that
those with extremely low intelligence, are in some way detrimental, to
society as a whole. However, and this is the point I wish to bring into
question, we tend to think that people of high intelligence, are an
advantage to society as a whole, even though they are equally distant
from the average, and the average is equal to the ideal.
So is there any evidence to suggest that overly intelligent people are a
burden to society? Well there might be, but it’s not likely to be well
researched. Our first clue comes from the stereotypical image of the
absentminded professor. Whilst being brilliant at his own chosen
subject, he does seem incapable of putting on two socks of the same
colour, or cooking a piece of toast without it boiling over. However we
only need to scratch at the surface, in order to find an overwhelming
abundance of evidence.
About 40,000 years ago, we were hunter-gatherers. There are still a few
remaining hunter-gatherer communities in the world, and research amongst
these suggests that in order to maintain such a lifestyle, each person
would need to work at hunting or gathering, for an average of three
hours a day. Whilst the man would take a stroll through the forest
catching a rabbit or two, his wife would be collecting wild
strawberries. With lunch out of the way, the rest of the day would be
free for dozing in the afternoon sun. This lifestyle had gone on for a
few hundred thousand years. Unfortunately, about 10,000 years ago,
someone, presumably of relatively high intelligence, had a "good" idea.
The idea would have gone something like this.
"Wouldn’t it save us a lot of time and effort, if we were to pen in some
of the wandering herds of buffalo and grow our own crops?" Being a
particularly gifted homo-sapien in the mental department, he was able to
formulate a convincing argument for his cause, and the relatively
gullible masses, fell for it. So we progressed from hunter-gatherer
status, to become farmers, spending a large part of the day tending
these easy to grow crops, and maintaining these labour saving fences. Of
course we did produce a lot more food. We also produced a lot more
people to consume it, and so more of the land needed to be farmed. Some
time later along came another clever person, who designed some clever
labour saving tools, that he’d made from a nice shiny new metal that his
clever brother had discovered. So more people had to be produced, in
order to mine the metals and make the tools. More food had to be
produced to feed the extra people and more land had to be farmed, which
required more tools. Then the clever children of these clever people
invented more clever labour saving devices, and on it’s gone until now.
As a direct result, of thousands of years, spent listening to people of
high intelligence, inventing clever labour saving devices, the average
amount of time we spend working, has increased from three to nine hours
a day. Why do we seem to have this great regard for an extreme that
would be considered freakish in any other variable? The problem is, that
these highly intelligent people have a tendency to formulate convincing
arguments, and the argument that they most love to put forward is that
high intelligence is a good thing. The rest of us being relatively
gullible swallow the whole thing hook, line and sinker.
It’s time to stop.
Thinking should be discouraged for the benefit of the species.
Stop having good ideas.
Should a good idea occur to you suppress it. Self flagellation and
horsehair undergarments come in useful in this regard, that may just be
a personal thing, I don’t know, I try not to think about it too deeply.
Strive to be average.

Saturday 19th May 2012


The time you told class I was a half wit, was my very first 50%
Previous best in any other test was either stolen copied or lent.

We went to Clumber Park Food Festival today. It was advertised on the National Trust's Farcebook page quite extensively and it was billed as a celebration of local food and drink, or some such bumpf. 

As it started at 1000hrs, we got there at around 1100hrs. Well one doesn't want to appear to eager, does one? It was in the stable courtyard and as we entered a surprising sight greeted us.

There was about 10 stalls, arranged in a sort of circular effort, and that was it.

Still, I still managed to spend plenty of money there. there may not have been many stalls but the ones that were there were pretty good. 

I got chilli sauce, beer, ground coffee beans and cake. If you're interested.

I was watching telly the other morning, yesterday I think but it may have been the day before, when I heard the name "Thomas Dolby". I remembered him. Didn't recognised him, but I remember him. Anyhoo, he was on the news with his wife talking about how his new single, Simone, is loosely written about his daughter, who is now his son.

Harley Dolby (or Harvey, or something, I think) was born a girl but realised / decided / established / found out she was really a boy, stuck in a girl's body (I don't know how these things work).

Fair enough, I thought, these things happen and Mr & Mrs D were very supportive and open and honest about it all, saying that it was difficult but she/he was still their daughter (well she wasn't anymore, he was now their son, but you know what I mean) etc etc.

Then it said that Haley / Harvey / whatever was very lucky to be in a long term relationship with someone who loved and cared for her/him.

Enter Martin (not his real name, I have given him a false name to protect my stupidity as I cannot remember that either).

So Harley / Harvey / Harry WAS a girl with a boyfriend but thought that she was a boy and is now a boy and still has the same boyfriend.

The same thing happened on one of these celebrity doctor wannabe medical programmes where a bloke had had a sex change into a woman and went on the programme because he didn't think she looked feminine enough. (this could be cause you are really a bloke, you fuckwit). Anyways, he wanted to look his/her best as he was soon getting married.

To his/her girlfriend who also used to be a man.

Now call me old fashioned, call me a prude, call me any fucking thing you want, but do you not think it a bit strange that a man wants to have a sex change and he is marrying another man who has also had a sex change. 

Did he used to lie in bed thinking "I really think I should have been born a woman, and I would really like to meet another man who really thinks he should have been born a woman, but not just any woman, a lesbian woman who is looking for a man who really wants to be a lesbian woman"

I've been bad man sad man certified mad, but never 007 or saint
Trendsetter, go getter, international jet setter are just a few things that I ain't.............

Thursday 17th May 2012


A man needs something he can hold onto. A nine pound hammer or a woman like you. Either one of them things will do, Jolene.

I was talking to someone today and she was telling me how she constantly hit 180%+ of her daily productivity targets, however she had been told that she had to slow down.
Naturally I presumed that this was because she was making others, who were not hitting their targets, look bad. But no, it was because she was making mistakes.

Apparently she only had a 80% accuracy mark on her 180% productivity, therefore she told me that it works out that she made about 2 mistakes out of every 100 pieces of work.

The next thing she said was the killer.

"If I make two mistakes out of every 100, how many per cent is that?"

"You are taking the piss, right?" was my response.

"No, what is it? 1%? Something like that?"

Godinheavenhelpme.

So, a policeman has not had his contract renewed and he was disciplined for nepotism and found guilty of gross misconduct, or maybe that's a gross error and it was some other kind of misconduct, but he was found guilty nonetheless.

But since he was not able to retire a wealthy copper, as he had only served 28 years, he was awarded £250,000.

Yes I shit you not, that is not a typo, it really does say one quarter of a million of your English pounds.

Shame you don't get that sort of treatment in all walks of life, the world would be a far better place.

It makes you wonder though, well it makes me wonder anyhoo, that if he was guilty of misconduct and caught recently how many times was he guilty of it and not caught?

Not my problem really, but it does annoy me a tad.

Dogs are funny things aint they? Well mine is anyways.

I have just put her food down and ahe has just done what she often does. That is, she saunters over to the bowl and sniffs it. She then looks at me in disgust and wanders off to sniff around the kitchen floor for more interesting smells. 

She is normally quite happy to eat it, however, if you stand next to her and watch her, which is also odd cause she won't have a shit if you are watching her.

So she don't mind you seeing it go in, but she don't want you seeing it come back out again.

"Why would you want to watch her shit?" I hear you cry, incredulously.

Well I don't, not really, but I have to see where she shits as I am the one who has to pick it up. She won't do it herslef, something about not having opposable thumbs or something.

She is now rubbing her head on the floor. Told you she was odd, didn't I.............??

edit: I don't know why the first few lines are highlighted, but I can't seem to get rid of the bastard thing.............

edit again: fixed it, I think............. 

Tuesday 15th May 2012.

And you, you can be mean. And I, I'll drink all the time.............

Jesus Wept, what the fuckity fuck is going on?

Ok, I know I haven't written anything for some time, 2nd December 2011 to be precise, and that means this is the first this year, but what the fuckity fuck is happening?

Shit, I have to choose what font I write in now.

The whole bastard set up of my blog writing experience has changed.

I don't like this pissing font.

Now I have to write something, just to see if I like the look of it.

Think I'll stick with this one, for now. Trebuchet, that's what it is called. Who the fuck thinks up these names? (apologies Mr Trebuchet, if you named it after yourslef, but with a name like that I wouldn't have bothered).

Squirrel.............

I was going to tell you about my car and it's magic powers but this shit has sort of thrown me so I am going to go for a tab.

Now don't fuck off anywhere cause I won't be gone long.............

Right, I'm back. That took a little longer than I anticipated (and for that I apologise) but I had to have a poo.

So I was unemployed there for a bit so I had very little time for writing.

Well, that's a load of shit, cause I had all the time in the world for writing, I just wasn't doing anything worth writing about, not that that normally stops me, I know, but I just didn't write OK, get over it.

And I wasn't technically unemployed, as I have a business and therefore employ myself, but I didn't have any work and therefore didn't have any money to pay myself. There was a time when I was tempted to make myself redundant, but I felt a bit bad about that and couldn't bring myself to do it.

Feed me.............

Anyhoo, I have a job again now, so everything is OK.

The biggest issue with my new job is that the office is 150 miles away from my home, so I am staying with my parents until I sort something out.

Paint the picture in your head. You are 42 years old and moving back in with your parents. It aint a classic watercolour is it? More like a Warhol or something.

So I am living in the South during the week and in the North at weekends. And who said it was grim up North? Whoever it was was a fucking liar! There has been snow in Stafford today and hail in Somerset. I bet the weather up North hasn't been so bad. I would blame it on Global Warming but it aint exactly warm is it? It's supposed to be fecking spring.

So, back to my new job and my car with magic powers. The car is an Estate, so it's a pretty big fucker, but the literature claims it will do in excess of 70mpg (for anyone who doesn't know what 'mpg' means, look it up ya lazy shites). Well I have never got it to 70mpg, but I have got it to 68. It also has a readout that tells you what range you have left before you run out of diesel. Most days this range actually increases as the journey progresses.

The other day, for example, I set out with 190 miles left in the tank. I drove 120 miles and stopped in a motorway service station for a wee and a coffee. When I got back in my car to continue it told me that I had 170 miles left to go.

For the slow witted, I had 190 miles, drove 120 miles and therefore should have 70 miles left. As it stood, I had either used 20 miles worth of fuel, someone had secretly put diesel in my car as I stood in the queue in Costa or my car has magical powers.

I can easily drive over 800 miles on a tank of diesel and normally get about 60 - 65mpg except for when it is raining. For some reason when it rains the car struggles to get over 50mpg. Maybe it has the wrong type of tyres. Maybe I need to carry around a second set of tyres and a pit crew to change the wheels every time it rains, F1 style.

But then that would add weight to the car and that would affect the fuel consumption.

Oh I don't fucking know.............