Sunday, 23 December 2012

Sunday 23rd December 2012

Sunday 23rd December 2012.

The 4th Duke of Newcastle.

It's Christmas Eve Eve, and all is well.

Aren't these tree hugging eco-friendly slow burning lightbulbs shit?
Why the fuckety fuck can't you get normal 100w bulbs anymore?
You know, the ones that when you flick the switch they actually light the room.

I thought it was bad enough when light bulbs in my house started going and I had to replace them. I went to the normal light bulb shop and didn't have a bastard scooby what to get.
Talk about shite. Not only are they about fifteen fucking times the price of normal bulbs, but they aint even the right shape.

De Plane.............
Why the frig can't they just at least be the same shape so at least they would look the same and then we could all sit at home feeling smug and looking at the bulbs thinking "fuck you hedge monkey, I aint going for any of your green warrior shit" but no, they have to be around four times as long and hang down like Fiery Jack's Hemorrhoids doing an impersonation of a Frenchman's onion string.

But that aint the main problem, oh no.
The main problem is what they actually do.

Now don't get me wrong. They do light up; eventually. But therein is the problem.
You can walk into a room, turn the light on, watch two episodes of Eastenders (or Corrie, or Emmerdale, or whichever 30 min shite soap takes your fancy), turn the telly off and leave the room before the fucking bulb has lit up enough to cast a shadow.
So what happens is, you leave the room forgetting that you have turned the light on and so don't turn it off. 
Now, you may not go back into that room for a couple of weeks so that means that the energy saving bulb will be left on for fourteen days instead of an hour.

Where's the fucking saving in that?!?

Another problem is one of a hygiene nature.
How so, you may ask yourself?

Red Sky at Night.............
I was at Center Parcs this last weekend. The one next to the safari park. I'll not mention it by name in case of repercussions.
Anyhoo, I was there and I was in an executive villa. Not sure what the difference is between an executive one and a normal one cause I never went in a normal one, but the executive one wasn't bad.

However, and it's a big fat fuck off however, my big gripe here (and I'm sure it was the same for all types of villa / apartment / house / treehouse) was that the loo that was just inside the front door had a eco friendly, tree hugger's, slow burning, twisty fucking light bulb. All the bulbs in the villa were of similar type, by the way, but this room was the worst.
Basically, the room was a room that had a crapper in it, a basin, a towel ring (with towel) and the cunting bulb.

So what should happen is this.

You walk into the small windowless room, turn the light on, close the door, have a piss, wash your hands, open the door, turn the light off and leave the room.

What really happens is this.

You walk into the small windowless room, turn the light on, wait a few seconds hoping that the light will get a little brighter, give up waiting cause you are about to piss yourself, feel the toilet pan to check that the seat is up, unzip your fly, point percy in the general direction of where you think the pan is, pee, zip up, unlock and open the door and then leave, forgetting that you turned the light on cause it never got bright enough to notice.

And, of course, what happens here is that you completely miss the pan with 70% of your piss and end up with a puddle of steaming urine on the floor.

And what happens next?!?

The next time you need the loo you walk in, turn the light on, the room goes dark as the light was left on last time you were in there so you are actually turning it off, turn it on again, wait a few seconds hoping the light will get a little brighter, give up waiting cause you are about to piss yourself etc etc and before long you are flooding your own apartment with your own piss.

Thank fuck I was only there for a long weekend.

Run Away.............

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