I was in Somerset at the weekend and I saw a sign for 'Pig & Donkey Races'.
Now if that wasn't bizarre enough, these races were being held on every Tuesday between July 27th and August 31th.
Yep, that's right, the 31th of August.
I had to get a running machine treadmill thing from my car into my house tonight.
It doesn't matter which door I use, I have three steps to climb to get in.
Fuck me those things are heavy.
Anyway, struggle to get it up to the front door and the bastard thing won't fit through the door.
Drag it down the drive, across the back garden, up the three steps onto the patio, across the patio and then have a game of fucking twister with it to get it through the back door.
I bet the fucking thing won't work now, all that lumping around.
Fuck it, I don't want to use it anyway, it's too much like hard work.
Sun was out today, I was stuck in a tin box.
One of those thief proof porta cabins.
Who'd want to nick one of those fuckers anyway?
They ain't the prettiest.
Would look a bit cuntish at the bottom of your garden.
Unless you were a green metal box collector.
You'd think it was a bit of a prize then.
Your own big bit of green.
Why have treadmill walking machines anyway?
Go for a walk, get a bit of fresh air.
Suppose the risk of being mugged is lessened in your own house.
Depending on where you live of course.
Or you get mugged off buying the pissing thing in the first place.
I didn't.
At least I don't think so.
I guess I'll find out if the poxy thing doesn't work.
If I ever use it.
I may just use it to walk the dog. Let her loose on it during the day when I'm not here.
It would stop her getting bored and licking her private parts.
Well, stop her getting bored anyway.
She may not like the noise. I may have to get special doggy ear muffs.
I wonder if you can get them?
I bet you can.
On t'interweb.
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
Monday, 30 August 2010
Saturday 28th August 2010
Fuck me, I've been trying to write this post since Saturday and it's now Monday night.
I can't fucking remember what I was going to write now.
Fuck shit bollocks cunt.............
I can't fucking remember what I was going to write now.
Fuck shit bollocks cunt.............
Monday 30th August 2010
Fuck this blog shit, I've been trying to write something at least four times a day since my last post and it wouldn't let me.
I thought I'd been kicked off for being too boring or something but maybe it was just a warning.
Does everyone see colours as the same colour?
And I'm not talking about people who are colour blind, but everyday non-colour blind people.
What colour is grass?
It's green, but how do you know that you see green as I see green?
The green that you see may be the same colour as I see the sky, which I see as blue.
We only know that green is green because we've been told that it is, we've been told that grass is green and sky is blue etc.
How our individual eyes interpret the colours is unknown.
If I lost the sight in one of my eyes and had a transplant with one of yours, would I see the same colours.
Would I see different colours with my two different eyes?
Trees could be purple and the sky yellow, sand could be green and roads magenta.
I need a time machine.
I'm currently driving home along the M5, but don't worry I'm driving hands free, but I've got about three and a half hours to go.
So I wish I had a time machine.
Time And Relative Dimension In Space.
I thought I'd been kicked off for being too boring or something but maybe it was just a warning.
Does everyone see colours as the same colour?
And I'm not talking about people who are colour blind, but everyday non-colour blind people.
What colour is grass?
It's green, but how do you know that you see green as I see green?
The green that you see may be the same colour as I see the sky, which I see as blue.
We only know that green is green because we've been told that it is, we've been told that grass is green and sky is blue etc.
How our individual eyes interpret the colours is unknown.
If I lost the sight in one of my eyes and had a transplant with one of yours, would I see the same colours.
Would I see different colours with my two different eyes?
Trees could be purple and the sky yellow, sand could be green and roads magenta.
I need a time machine.
I'm currently driving home along the M5, but don't worry I'm driving hands free, but I've got about three and a half hours to go.
So I wish I had a time machine.
Time And Relative Dimension In Space.
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Friday 27th August 2010
I'm hungry and I'm in the South West of England.
This isn't how it was supposed to be. It's not how I envisaged it.
When I first started I was going to write a blog of my life.
But my life, since losing my job in the insurance industry, is so boring it bored me to write about it.
I simply write down my thoughts now, it saves arguing about it.
God only knows what the millions of you who read this on a regular basis must have first thought.
Who am I trying to kid.
My first two statements were not linked, by the way.
I just thought about them at the same time.
Multi tasking, who said it was only women who could do it.
Today I have mostly been eating cake.
I could market it as a new fad diet.
The Cake Plan.
Not all cake is unhealthy, surely.
I was on another website recently and I saw a button at the top of the page which said "become a writer".
I keep going back and clicking on it but nothing has happened yet.
Why do so many buses run at night with so few people on?
Maybe the bus company could tell me.
But I doubt it.
You can lead a horse to water but a church roof should be lead.
Goodnight.............
This isn't how it was supposed to be. It's not how I envisaged it.
When I first started I was going to write a blog of my life.
But my life, since losing my job in the insurance industry, is so boring it bored me to write about it.
I simply write down my thoughts now, it saves arguing about it.
God only knows what the millions of you who read this on a regular basis must have first thought.
Who am I trying to kid.
My first two statements were not linked, by the way.
I just thought about them at the same time.
Multi tasking, who said it was only women who could do it.
Today I have mostly been eating cake.
I could market it as a new fad diet.
The Cake Plan.
Not all cake is unhealthy, surely.
I was on another website recently and I saw a button at the top of the page which said "become a writer".
I keep going back and clicking on it but nothing has happened yet.
Why do so many buses run at night with so few people on?
Maybe the bus company could tell me.
But I doubt it.
You can lead a horse to water but a church roof should be lead.
Goodnight.............
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Tuesday 24th August 2010
Voice enhancement. I was talking to someone at work today and I kept thinking that his voice sounded a tad odd.
As he spoke he kept sounding like he was being possessed, momentarilly, by a robot.
It wasn't until afterwards that I realised that he was using auto-tune to enhance his speech.
Now I realise that second, or even third, rate singers have a penchant for using this digital trickery in a vain attempt to sound acceptable, but for the ordinary man on the street??
I don't know.
Would you implode or explode in space?
I used to think you would implode but I reckon you would do the opposite as the pressure is greater inside you that in outer space.
However, under water, really really deep underwater, deeper than your average swimming pool, you would probably implode due to the water pressure.
Implode or just crush?
Maybe it wouldn't be an implosion but more like an impounded car, crushed to a small cube.
If you could fly fast enough, faster than a speeding bullet, and flew into space and started to do loads and loads of loop the loops, do you think you could create a black hole?
And if you did create one, would you be flying fast enough to escape it's gravitational pull?
If a black hole has a gravitational pull, which I'm sure it does.
Just to be sure, I'm gonna try it out and I'll let you know the results when I get back.
Right now, I'm tired so I'm going to sleep.
As he spoke he kept sounding like he was being possessed, momentarilly, by a robot.
It wasn't until afterwards that I realised that he was using auto-tune to enhance his speech.
Now I realise that second, or even third, rate singers have a penchant for using this digital trickery in a vain attempt to sound acceptable, but for the ordinary man on the street??
I don't know.
Would you implode or explode in space?
I used to think you would implode but I reckon you would do the opposite as the pressure is greater inside you that in outer space.
However, under water, really really deep underwater, deeper than your average swimming pool, you would probably implode due to the water pressure.
Implode or just crush?
Maybe it wouldn't be an implosion but more like an impounded car, crushed to a small cube.
If you could fly fast enough, faster than a speeding bullet, and flew into space and started to do loads and loads of loop the loops, do you think you could create a black hole?
And if you did create one, would you be flying fast enough to escape it's gravitational pull?
If a black hole has a gravitational pull, which I'm sure it does.
Just to be sure, I'm gonna try it out and I'll let you know the results when I get back.
Right now, I'm tired so I'm going to sleep.
Monday, 23 August 2010
Monday 23rd August 2010
Dragon's Den.
Wouldn't it be more fun if they used real dragons?
Ones that actually breathed fire.
If they got numpties in front of them, numpties that were really stupid, then they would simply incinerate them.
Puff and they would be gone.
Just little piles of ash on the floor that the geeky presenter has to come and clean up with a little dust pan and brush.
What's his name?
It'll come to me.
Apparently one of the best ways to fix your mobile phone, should it get wet, is to use a vacuum cleaner to suck the moisture out.
I must remember to carry a fucking Dyson around with me next time it looks like rain.
Have you ever mixed up two products by mistake, with disastrous results?
I was up very early this morning, quarter to bastard five to be precise, and was in the bathroom.
I went to have a shave, but got the shaving gel mixed up with the new style toothpaste I just bought and smeared minty paste all over my face.
Not content with that, I went downstairs and made a cup of coffee, putting two spoons of bicarbonate of soda in instead of sugar.
Evan Davies.
The funny thing is, I don't take sugar.
Still, despite all that, I still managed to drive 520 miles in the pouring rain with the indicators on all the way instead of the windscreen wipers.
I think all five Dragons should present Blue Peter, with Evan Davis playing the theme tune on a comb and tissue combo.
I'm going to try and find a new box to live in.
This ones got a bit wet in the rain.
Wouldn't it be more fun if they used real dragons?
Ones that actually breathed fire.
If they got numpties in front of them, numpties that were really stupid, then they would simply incinerate them.
Puff and they would be gone.
Just little piles of ash on the floor that the geeky presenter has to come and clean up with a little dust pan and brush.
What's his name?
It'll come to me.
Apparently one of the best ways to fix your mobile phone, should it get wet, is to use a vacuum cleaner to suck the moisture out.
I must remember to carry a fucking Dyson around with me next time it looks like rain.
Have you ever mixed up two products by mistake, with disastrous results?
I was up very early this morning, quarter to bastard five to be precise, and was in the bathroom.
I went to have a shave, but got the shaving gel mixed up with the new style toothpaste I just bought and smeared minty paste all over my face.
Not content with that, I went downstairs and made a cup of coffee, putting two spoons of bicarbonate of soda in instead of sugar.
Evan Davies.
The funny thing is, I don't take sugar.
Still, despite all that, I still managed to drive 520 miles in the pouring rain with the indicators on all the way instead of the windscreen wipers.
I think all five Dragons should present Blue Peter, with Evan Davis playing the theme tune on a comb and tissue combo.
I'm going to try and find a new box to live in.
This ones got a bit wet in the rain.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Sunday 22nd August 2010
They say variety is the spice of life.
What happens if you don't like spicy food?
Shouldn't it be something like 'variety is the thing that makes your life more interesting'
Not so catchy, I grant you, but more accurate.
Or is it?
Pizza could be a suitable replacement for variety.
Pizza is the spice of life.
But pizza doesn't have to be spicy of course.
It can be, but it doesn't have to be.
And that's the point.
Pizza can be anything you want it to be.
You start with a bready base and add a tomato sauce.
There's your two staples, bread and veg (I know a tomato is a fruit or something) and the basis for anything you want.
Add cheese, onion, mushroom, peppers, anything.
Or be exotic and try olives or anchovies.
Be hot and add chilli peppers and spicy sausage.
Or be weird and try pineapple or artichoke.
You can eat pizza every day of the week and have something different each time.
Or you could have fish and chips.
Rocks.
We all know about rock salt, but what about rocks themselves?
Did you know there is a type of sandstone made from grit.
It's called gritstone and it's very good for making millstones.
So millstones are made from gritstone which is really sandstone.
The weather shapes it, so I don't really see how it's any good for making flour.
You'd think the flour would get sand in it.
Or grit.
Maybe that's how the Americans make their world famous disgusting breakfast fodder, with the imaginative name of............Grits.
Americans are funny folk, aren't they?
Not in a funny way, but in a funny way.
If you know what I mean.
But that's a story for another time.......
What happens if you don't like spicy food?
Shouldn't it be something like 'variety is the thing that makes your life more interesting'
Not so catchy, I grant you, but more accurate.
Or is it?
Pizza could be a suitable replacement for variety.
Pizza is the spice of life.
But pizza doesn't have to be spicy of course.
It can be, but it doesn't have to be.
And that's the point.
Pizza can be anything you want it to be.
You start with a bready base and add a tomato sauce.
There's your two staples, bread and veg (I know a tomato is a fruit or something) and the basis for anything you want.
Add cheese, onion, mushroom, peppers, anything.
Or be exotic and try olives or anchovies.
Be hot and add chilli peppers and spicy sausage.
Or be weird and try pineapple or artichoke.
You can eat pizza every day of the week and have something different each time.
Or you could have fish and chips.
Rocks.
We all know about rock salt, but what about rocks themselves?
Did you know there is a type of sandstone made from grit.
It's called gritstone and it's very good for making millstones.
So millstones are made from gritstone which is really sandstone.
The weather shapes it, so I don't really see how it's any good for making flour.
You'd think the flour would get sand in it.
Or grit.
Maybe that's how the Americans make their world famous disgusting breakfast fodder, with the imaginative name of............Grits.
Americans are funny folk, aren't they?
Not in a funny way, but in a funny way.
If you know what I mean.
But that's a story for another time.......
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