Tuesday 21st September 2010

Makes me laugh really.
Gordon Ramsey telling Indian chefs how difficult some Indian dishes are to cook.
Don't you think they fucking know, Ramsey?
They cook it every day.
Sanctimonious prick.

Today included hundreds of sweaty people crammed into a very small space, all of them making a point of ignoring one another.
No eye contact.
No this wasn't an episode of Ramsey's Best Restaurant, I've given him enough space on my blog, this was my day in London and the luxurious public transport system we affectionately call 'The tube'.

If travelling on this germ infested mode of transport is not bad enough, you get back to the surface again and there is nothing but pollution and more people ignoring each other.

I was glad to get back to the sticks.

Does caramel have a very low freezing point?
I only ask because I had some Ben and Jerry's "Chew Chew Caramel" ice cream tonight.
It had pieces of caramel covered in chocolate in it.
And the caramel was chewy, even though it had been immersed in extremely cold ice cream for god knows how long.
Anyway, I suppose if it wasn't chewy then they wouldn't be able to call it "Caramel Chew Chew" could they?
More like Caramel Hard Lumpy Bits, and that wouldn't be the same.

Would it?

I think I'm becoming addicted to Ben & Jerry.............

Monday 20th September 2010

I went to prison today.
Not to get locked up, my sentence is suspended, nor was it to visit one of the inmates.
It was quite boring really, I had a meeting there, in the Midlands.
When I say 'quite boring', actually mean really fucking boring.
To make it even worse I am going to another prison on Thursday, this time in Scotland.
It's like a pub crawl, but with prisons.
And no beer.
And miles from home.
And miles apart, in different countries even.
And without your mates.

Still, off to London tomorrow.
The big smoke.

I thought that, what with all the driving I've been doing recently, I would treat myself and catch the train.
No driving, only an hour and 45 minutes travel and I could do a bit of work on the way.

ONE HUNDRED AND ONE FUCKING POUNDS AND FIFTY BASTARD PENCE return.

Thieving gypsy bastards.

At least Robin Hood had the decency to wear a mask.
Or was it a hood?

Robin Mask doesn't have the same ring to it really.

Anyway, safe to say I shall be driving again tomorrow.
I feel like the car is a part of me, I just have to work out which part.

Costa coffee outlets in service stations apologise for not accepting Costa coffee reward cards.
You ain't sorry, you cunts, if you were that bothered you would get it sorted out.
If I didn't hate Starbucks so much I would go there.

I keep getting reminders from Tesco telling me I haven't spent my Clubcard vouchers.
YOU HAVEN'T SENT THEM TO ME, YOU COCKS.

I seem to be shouting a lot tonight.

They must know I haven't received them cause they keep showing up on my receipts.
I've got about 45000 now.

It's the same with Nectar points.
I keep saving them but I never spend them.

Still it's something to leave in my will I suppose.
"Local Man Dies, Children Loyalty Millionaires Overnight"

Anyone nicks that idea and I'll hunt them down.

Got it.............?

Friday 17th September 2010

I had some Ben & Jerry's 'Baked Alaska' ice cream tonight and very nice it was too.
I was slightly disappointed though as it said on the tub that it had marshmallow swirls and white polar bears in Vanilla ice cream.

Well, the vanilla ice cream was very nice, as were the polar bears, but I didn't notice any marshmallow swirls.

Maybe they were there but were overpowered by the creamy vanilla.
Or maybe the polar bears ate it all.

It's a bit cruel as well, the polar bears I mean.
They were so small they must have been shrunken to get them all in.

Unless David Attenborough has been using trick photography all these years.
And zoos use magnifying glass.

Thursday 16th September 2010

Driving home today I noticed my Sat-Nav was telling me that I had 1 hour and 35 minutes driving time before I got home.
That meant I was going to get home at eight o'clock as it was twenty five past six.

After thirty five minutes, or in other words seven o'clock, the sat-nav told me that I had 45 minutes to go meaning that I would be home at quarter to eight.

That means that in thirty five minutes, fifteen minutes disappeared.
I spent the rest of the journey trying to work out if I had lost 15 minutes, gained 15 minutes or invented a time travel machine.
I got home at twenty to eight, either losing or gaining another five minutes.

I drive approximately 40,000 miles a year, so I am really hoping that I have either invented said time machine or I am gaining time cause that would be an awful lot of time to lose.
I'll have to work it out sometime, but not now.

Does it also mean that if I drive fast enough that I would, in theory (or maybe even in reality), arrive before I left?
In the same vein, as Ussain Bolt keeps breaking the World record for running from one end to the other, will he get down to about one second eventually?
Maybe he will be passing finish line before the rest leave the blocks.

Who knows.............

Monday 13th September 2010

Don't you just love it when someone tries to do something that they haven't done in a long time and can't remember how to do it?

For example, log into a website that hasn't been used for ages and try to remember the login name, password and email address last used.

"Fucking shit, why won't it let me spell it like that?"

"Fucking thing, it's sent a confirmation email to the address I don't fucking use any more."

"How can it do that?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, it won't let me do it"

"What the fuck is going on?"

All the above in a broad Bristol accent, broader than usual, exagerated by annoyance.

And all the above for a crap website to listen to a third rate team play third rate football.

UTG.............
FTC.............

Wednesday 8th September 2010

I've been thinking...

A couple of posts ago I said that we could all be living on a speck of dirt under the finger nail of a giant woman.
Well, whilst this could be true, I have thought of a more plausible idea.

We could be living in the mind of someone.
All our lives could just be the thoughts of one person, and as long as that person keeps thinking, we keep living.

They say that if the age of the earth is looked at in terms of human age then the world is about twenty two days old.
That's from conception, through pre-history, through history, past Jesus Christ, all the wars and to now.

Well that could be said also for the idea of the whole world existing in the mind of a person.

But what kind of person would it be.
I would be impossible to say, because as I am part of the world that is living in this mind, then my mind is ultimately controlled by the mind of the person we are living inside.

Some people believe in fate, some people believe in a god, however it could be that these people all believe in the same the thing because the mind that we live in would be God and fate all rolled into one.

God is omnipotent, regardless of which god you believe in.
The persons mind would be omnipotent by default as because we are INSIDE the mind, then the mind is all encompassing.
Fate is something that determines our future, well this one is obvious, the mind we live in would obviously determine our future because whatever it thinks, we do.

So there you go.
It's not God, or a god, or fate.
Well it is, but not how you think.
Well ultimately it is how you think, as it is how it thinks that determines how we think.

People who claim to hear voices in their head don't really hear voices in THEIR head, they hear voices coming from THE head.
So they are not really mad, not unless someone has annoyed them, anyway.
And I mean another someone like you or I, not another person from like the person who owns the mind we live in.

I wonder if we can hear other people that live in the world of the person whose mind we live in?
I'll ponder on this and maybe do a follow up post...

Tuesday 7th September 2010

Did you know you can get dominoes for the blind.

They have raised spots, as opposed to indented ones, and a special raised bit on the blanks so the visually impaired know what's what.

The big question is, of course, how can they tell what is on the table.
I mean it would be easy enough to feel what dominoes you have in your hand but the dominoes on the table would get in a right mess, wouldn't they?

Still, I suppose you can't discriminate, can you.............

Monday 6th September 2010

Bingo Shmingo.

Got a broadband wifi thing delivered today.
Up til now I've had to make do with my phone, and it's a very nice phone and all with swype text and everything, but it ain't a computer.
So I get a wifi broadband thing and it was with the neighbours when I get home from work.
The kettle goes on, the box gets unwrapped and I'm like a kid at Christmas.
It's all set up and I'm online, then the missus gets home and I'm back on me phone and she's playing bingo.
I ask you.

Still, the swype text on me phone petty cool.
God knows how it works, I just slide my finger over the screen and it puts the words in the box.
There is either a very small person inside my phone or a camera trained on my every move and an extremely fast typist typing as I swype away.
I can't think what else it could be, but I can't decide which one it is as they both sound pretty plausible.

If someone invented an engine that ran on water, it wouldn't be as good an idea as they, or you, might think.
Yeah it would be as cheap as chips, well cheaper seeing the fucking price of chips these days; over ten bastard quid for two fish and frigging chips, but what would happen in the summer?
When we all have a hosepipe ban you wouldn't be able to fill up your car.
Unless you used a bucket but then you would spill most of it.
Water touts would make a killing.
And you wouldn't be able to sell water fueled cars in places like Africa, it just wouldn't be right.

Thinking about it, in places where water is extremely rare, places where drinking water is scarce and small children have to walk miles with jugs on their heads, why don't we just make some?
It can't be that hard can it?
Water is just made up of Hydrogen and Oxygen.
Why not throw some of this in the air and let it rain.

Imagine the rainbows.

Butter is no good on a burn and salted butter burns.
If you put salted butter on a burn would they cancel each other out?
Would the salt burn thus rendering your burning skin superfluous?
They say two wrongs don't make a right, even if three lefts do, but do two negatives make a positive or do opposites attract chalk and cheese?

Sunday 5th September 2010 part 2

um bongo um bongo they drink it in the congo.

Now I've never been to the Congo, but I think I would bet my bottom dollar that they have never drunk um bongo.
Never even heard of it I shouldn't doubt.

It's all gorillas and stuff, why would they want um bongo?
I bet they'd rather have a nice cup of tea.
Or coffee.

What happens to the rest of the tea leaves if only the tips are used?
Or is it just PG that use the tips and everyone else use the other parts of the leaves?
Do PG buy the whole leaf and use what they want and sell the rest?
And do they make money doing it or just break even?

So many questions, so few answers.
If you know, please spill the beans.
Coffee, baked or otherwise.
Leave a comment if you like, let me know.

Same thing for Nescafe original and Nescafe Gold.
Which is really better and what's the real difference?

If there is anyone who works for Nescafe reading this please tell....

Sunday 5th September 2010

I went to a wedding do last night and it was invaded by aliens.
Nothing to do with the bride and groom, they were both normal, perfectly nice people, but aliens invaded all the same.

I was just sitting there, drinking my J2o, when I saw them.
There were about thirty of them.
They didn't land or any thing like that, they just sort of hovered below the ceiling.
Quite sinister really.

I was mixing my drinks last night too.
I started on J2o, went onto coffee and finished up on Appletizer.
I'm such a rebel, I don't know how I cope with myself.

Nobody fell over, which was nice, but there was a kinder egg involved in some form throughout the night.
Apparently.

They say penguins can't look up, whoever "they" are.
D'you think this is because they spend so much time looking down at the eggs balanced precariously on their feet that their neck muscles can only bend one way?

At the end of the night, all the aliens turned on all their lights simultaneously.
But they didn't fly off and I think they may still be there.

Someone should be told.

Friday 3rd September 2010

My grass needs cutting.
Why can't someone invent self cutting grass?
Or cannibalistic grass.
Grass that eats itself.
It would save people a lot of time and make the world a nicer place to live in. You wouldn't get all these wankers leaving their grass to get too long and all untidy.
Like me.

I see Steven Hawking created the universe.
I didn't realise he was that old.
I suppose if you can pull off a stunt like making a World, full of living things and everything, then you probably know a few tricks on skin rejuvenation.

Still, if he did do it, and he's a clever bloke so I have no reason to doubt him, then we probably owe him a big thank you.
There are things he could have done better, but maybe he did a lot of the work before he perfected his electronic talk box thing.
It must have been hard for the builders to understand him without THAT marvellous piece of technology.

Conkers will be out soon.
I wonder if the health and safety brigade have banned them yet.
Tossers, we didn't need gloves and goggles when I was a young boy and used to play conkers at school.
Mind you I suppose gloves may have stopped all those bruises and maybe even helped to prevent the broken fingers.
And I suppose you could say that if I had worn goggles I may still have both eyes.

I wonder if Steven Hawking's brother, Justin, had anything to do with the creation of the Universe.
He probably invented darkness.............

Thursday 2nd September 2010

I have come to the conclusion that crazy golf is not all that crazy.
It should be re-named scenic golf or something.
I mean, what's crazy about a windmill and a few slopes?

Why not play it with water filled balloons that you have to hit with baguettes and have electric fences around each hole so if your balloon burst it would electrocute you.
Forget that last bit, that would be electric golf.

Baguettes and balloons are a good start though.
You would have to play with an eye patch on and zombies dressed in floral print dresses would chase you shouting insults at you every time you hit the balloon.
With the baguette.

If very tall people play ordinary golf, do they call it mini golf.
Just like tiny people would play maxi golf.

Or giant golf.
Giant golf for dwarves.

I've got a bit of a dwarf/giant thing still going on from last night, I think.

Same as Mars bars.
Do giants eat the big Mars bars thinking they are normal and the standard ones thinking they are mini bars?
They couldn't even find the fun size ones, not even if they knew they existed.

And dwarves, do dwarves eat fun sized bars thinking they are normal, and normal thinking they are the big ones and the big ones; well these are things only for fat greedy dwarves to dream about.

Wednesday 1st September 2010

Two fat ladies, eighty-eight.

So is there life on a distant planet?
How will we ever know?
Unless of course there is a galaxy beyond outer space that sort of replicates ours.
I say sort of cause it may be like ours but different.
It could be better, it could be worse.

It could be a world inhabited by giant woman and dwarf males.
The dwarves, however, would be the dominant species, having total control over their own, and their women's, destinies.

At least they would whilst they were in the pub with their mates and there were no women around.

Wobble wobble.

How does anyone know that the world we live in is not just a speck of dirt under the little finger nails of one of the giant woman?
The nail could be what we think is the ozone layer, the layer that protects us.
It rains every time the giant woman washes her hands and the faster she walks and swings her arms, the stronger the wind blows.

Thank you wobblers.

The downside is, of course, that one day the giant woman is going to go for a manicure and we will all perish.

Unless our speck of dirt is luckier than most and miraculously lands in the ear of a dog, or other household pet.