Friday 7th January 2011

A few days ago I ordered some chilli sauce on t'interweb.
It was something that I had asked for Christmas but no one bought me. I got some nice stuff, don't get me wrong, but I didn't get any chilli sauce.

I got a ticket to go and see Imelda May, which is cool, and a box set of Fawlty Towers DVDs plus other stuff, but not the chilli sauce I wanted.

So shortly after Christmas I ordered some myself from a place called Funky Pepper.
When I went onto the the website, I couldn't help but to order three bottles of sauce, one bottle of my favourite, Mad Dog 357 Pure Ghost, one bottle of Blair's Pure Death Hot Sauce with Jolokia and a bottle of Pain is Good Batch #37 Garlic Hot Sauce.

Well yesterday I got home from work (I was late) and there was a note from the Royal Mail to say I had package waiting for me at the Post Office.
So tonight I went and picked said package and it was my sauces.
Unfortunately they sent me Mad Dog 357 Ghost sauce and not Mad Dog 357 Pure Ghost, but they are sending a bottle of it, so it has all worked out well.

AND MY FUCKING GOD ARE THEY HOT.............

I made pizza tonight, with garlic bread and guess what?
You don't have to guess really, I'm gonna tell you anyway. I put a dash of the Mad Dog 357 Ghost on the pizza and smeared the garlic bread with the Batch #37 garlic sauce.

Now, for those of you who don't know about chilli sauce, the heat of a chilli is measured in Scoville Heat Units.
Tabasco sauce comes in at under 2500 Scoville Heat Units (SHU) whilst the 357 Ghost is about 150,000 SHU.
I have a bottle in my collection called Blair's Ultra Death that measures 800,000 SHU and that one scares me.

Anyway, I have just eaten said pizza and garlic bread and now my mouth is on fire. My head is sweating and I have a very warm sensation in my stomach.

Tomorrow I may have prawns with the Pure Death Hot Sauce, as long as my ass in still in one piece.

www.funkypepper.co.uk

Thursday 6th January 2011

Normally on a Thursday I go to Glasgow which means I have to leave home at around 0330hrs to 0400hrs.
This means I set my alarm for 0300hrs, quick shower, dress, grab a coffee in one of those travel mugs and I'm on my way.
Today, however, I didn't need to go so I didn't have to wake up so early.

I use my phone as an alarm clock.
It's one of these clever phones that does everything, but sometimes struggles to be a phone, and you can programme several alarms at once.

I have my usual 'Weekday' alarm set for 0600hrs. This is set for Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays and I have a 'Long Day' alarm set for a Thursday, set for 0300hrs.
Last night, so I didn't have to re-set any pre-set alarm, I created a new one, just for the one day, to wake me this morning and turned the 'Long Day' alarm off.
Unfortunately, I set the alarm for 0700hrs this morning and only noticed this at 0705hrs after snoozing for five minutes.
So I am an hour later than normal which, in the grand scheme of things is no big deal, but in my mind it is a big deal.
I am automatically in a bad mood, with myself, for being late.

Everything I do for the rest of the day is going to be either late or in the wrong sequence or not done. In short my whole day is now fucked up because I set the wrong time in my so-called Smart Phone.

Driving to work, normally a 45 minute journey, seems to take longer because there are more vehicles on the road.
I get to work and everything is in a rush, because I am an hour behind where I would usually be.
Lunchtime comes around an hour early, and I'm not expecting it so I don't bother and when I finally get hungry it is too late to eat lunch because then I'll spoil me dinner.
And then I end up working late to catch up on the time I have spent being late and trying to catch up.

So I am in the position now where my evening is going to be fucked, as I will be getting home later than usual and dinner will either be late or spoiled.
I won't be able to do so much of the stuff that normally fills my interesting life, like surfing t'interweb or doing Wii-Yoga because if I do then I'll be going to bed later and that might make me oversleep again.
So my whole day has been, and will continue to be, completely fucking fucked, all because of one hour this morning.

Still, at least I didn't have to go to Glasgow.............

Wednesday 5th January 2011

I put a 'view counter' on the page the other day, it's just there, on the right.
I thought it may be interesting to see if anyone reads this shit and I was quite surprised to see that over a thousand people had.

Then I decided to do a little experiment.

I posted the blog onto Twatter to see if that would generate any hits.
I then opened the blog to see what happened.
I stared at the view counter but it didn't change. Then I blinked and thought it may have changed, but I couldn't remember what number it was on so I couldn't be sure. So I stared without blinking.

Fortunately I was always pretty good at 'The Stare Game' when I was a kid. You know, the ever-so complicated game where you stare at another person without blinking until one of you blinks.
Whoever blinks first is the loser.
You probably know all about the Stare Game, but I thought I had better explain incase there were people out there who hadn't had the pleasures.

Anyhow, I digress, I stared and stared (without blinking) at the counter but did it move? Did it fuck.
So then I think to myself that maybe I have to refresh the page, so I start hitting the F5 button. Nothing, not a thing, nada.

Fuck me, I thought, someone somewhere must be so fucking bored that they want to read this shit. Maybe I have to close the page and re-open it for the counter to count properly.
So I close the page and I re-open the page and.......it moved.
It only went and fucking well moved.

So I tried again, and again, and again and slowly but surely it kept going up a notch, only one at a time, but that's better than nothing, right?
I thought this was great, all these people reading my blog, fantastic.
Then I started to think that if this many people are reading it, why is nobody commenting. I have even added a set of ratings boxes so you can record whether you think the posting is Funny, Interesting, Cool or Shit but no one was ticking these either.

Then it dawned on me.....

You prick Carew, you total and utter retarded half-witted prick.
I was the only bastard reader and it was my stupid self making the fucking counter go up.

So now I know, no one reads my crap and it's currently raining so I can't even be arsed to go outside and console myself with a cigarette.

Life's a bitch, aint it.............

Tuesday 4th December 2011

I get loads of charity bags through the door, probably about three a week on average, all of them asking me to donate clothes to starving children or wasp bite victims or Robin Reliant drivers or something.

If I had that many clothes that I didn't want, I would be able to rival Sir Phillip Green and open 'Seaton Carew Stores', or 'SCS'.

Well I wouldn't want the charities to think I was wasting the bags, and it didn't feel right to just throw them away, so I have compromised.
I now use them instead of bin bags and put them in my kitchen bin.
This way I can throw them out with a clear conscience, knowing that if the charity see them they will know that they are being used, if not in the way they really wanted, and not just wasted.

Unfortunately tonight, as I was emptying the bin, the bottom of the bag split and the contents of the bag were deposited over the kitchen floor.
Bastard charities, I am thinking of lodging a complaint to them for supplying sub-standard bags.


I bought a new set of cutlery yesterday, stainless steel and plain silver in colour. I didn't mention it in yesterday's post as I thought it wasn't that interesting.
I put them in the cutlery drawer and removed all the old stuff that had black handles, leaving the old knives, forks and spoons that I already owned and were just plain silver.

Today Liz noticed that I had put the new ones in the drawer and also noticed that the old ones were in there too.
"How will I tell them apart?" she asked.
"They look different" was the obvious reply, not that it matters really, they all do the same job.

Well of course they don't really, the knives don't do the same thing as the forks and the forks the spoons etc, but you get my drift.

That is, unless you have a Spork, of course.
I had a friend who had a Spork once. One just like the one in the picture.
As you will see, it has a serated edge to one side of the fork bit designed, I suppose, to save having to take a knife, fork AND spoon whilst out camping and such.
What the designers didn't think of, however, and what my friend soon discovered, was that if you use such intensiles when drunk you end up with half a 'Joker' smile.
Not a particularly good look.

Bastards, the fucking furniture company have got there first haven't they?

Monday 3rd January 2011

1508hrs.

Back to work tomorrow, deep joy.
I hear it is snowing in the South West of the country, they can keep it.
I don't mind snow, but only in places where it is supposed to snow.
Like on a piste or in Switzerland or something.
Of course, they have pistes in Switzerland, but other pistes are available.

Looks pretty, I know, but I kept losing the dog in it so we soon got fed up. And the amount of balls we lost was ridiculous.

I went to buy a new jacket for work today.
Thought I would try 'Lakeside Village' in Doncaster as they had a sale on with up to 60% off everything.
Jackets were still about £3498 each in Jeff Banks. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Not many people realise, but in 2000 Banks signed a deal to design clothes for Sainsbury's. A dispute led to the early termination of his contract and the resulting lawsuit was resolved with Sainsbury's agreeing to pay a reported settlement of £1 million, plus a box of truffles every week.

I wonder what kind of truffles they are. Or if he has a variety?

Apparently he has designed a car too, only a Kia mind.
I've never seen one though.

Anyway, I ended up in Next Clearance, which used to be called 'Next to Nothing' I'm sure, and there was a jacket with two labels on.
One label said £37 and the other said £42 so I took that one off.
I went to pay and they charged me £18.

Result.

We still have piles of snow lying around the village.

The weathermen (or someone) are saying that we have had the coldest and driest December since sliced bread.
How the fuck can it have been the driest December?
Did they not see the amount of bastard snow we had?
And isn't snow just frozen water?
What happens when the snow melts in places where weathermen live, because I know that around here it turns into water and makes everything wet.

Maybe snow isn't frozen water as frozen water would be ice, wouldn't it?
Maybe it is semi-frozen water or something.
Who knows. Maybe I could ask someone, like a weatherman, but those pricks don't even realise that snow is water at all, apparently.

Huddersfield won, just gotta hope the other ten results go my way.

1852hrs

Well I had no luck with me bets today, so I went on the Wii-Fit just to cheer meself up.
The yoga isn't bad, although I look like a complete cock doing it. Let's hope that you can't see my silhouette through my curtains or there will be a bunch of giggling chavs congregating outside every evening.
My Wii-fit age is 42 tonight, better than yesterday (by more than 10 years) but still a year plder than my actual age.
How accurate do you think it is then?
My BMI has come down again, apparently.
If I keep this up, I will have a BMI of zero in a couple of weeks.

Is that good.............?

Sunday 2nd January 2011

Well I've not done a lot today.

Got up, cleaned the kitchen and took the Christmas tree down.

Yes I know you are supposed to wait until 12th night, which would be the 6th Janary or something (see I'm not even sure when it is so how could I wait? I would probably get it wrong!) but it has been up for nearly a blooming month, that's long enough surely?

And what is the point of it anyway?
OK, so it looks pretty when it's all lit up, but it looks just the same on day 2 and day 3 and day 4 etc.
It's not if it does anything different on a day to day basis.

There's the tree, on the left next to some gormless looking twat.
This is obviously before the lights and baubles and tinselly stuff were put on.

I hate doing that, so I had a cunning plan.
I assembled the tree (of course it's not real, it's fucking black you prick) and then just left it for a few days.
It was just stood there, naked.
Well on day three Liz got so pissed off with it that she decorated it herself.

I would put a photo up but I didn't take one and it's a bit late now, as I've taken it down.
I would take a picture of the space where it used to be, but I can't be arsed.

Got a Wii for Christmas.
When I say I 'got' one, I bought one myself, didn't get it as a present or anything.
I have decided to use the Wii Fit on a regular basis and try to get a bit fitter.

Well the first time I used it, it told me I had a Wii age of 41 years old.
That's quite good really as I am 41 years old, but I have just used it for the second time and it tells me that my BMI and weight has gone down but my Wii age is now 53.

Is it taking the piss, or what???

I had to have a cigarette to cheer myself up.

Still, I'll persevere I suppose, see if I can become super-fit.

Forgot that Ironman was on, which pissed my off a little bit, but I just started watching it, 40 minutes of the way through.
Haven't got a fucking scooby what is going on now, but hey.

Made some 'Killer Pizzas' last night.
Used Iguana en Fuego in the sauce and marinated the sausages in Daves Insanity Sauce overnight.
I then 'accidently' sprinkled a few dried chillis over the top of them.

They were only small, but they packed a mean punch.............

Saturday 1st January 2011

Funny old game.

Quiet night in last night, it's surprising how many people feel the need to post on Farcebook at times like this.

I'm as bad as anyone, but at least I was at home whilst I was doing it.
I suppose, though, that you have plenty of time on New Year's Eve to post on Farcebook or Twatter or the other ones as you have to spend so freaking long waiting for a drink.
Also, it is probably the only way to communicate with each other, as no bastard can hear you, even if you put your mouth right next to their ear and scream.

I don't go out very often, not because I an a miserable twat (I can be that at home) but I went into Rotherham the other night.

If you combine the facts that it was cold, everywhere was crowded, everywhere was loud, you had to go outside to smoke and then queue to get back in again (in the cold) and I don't drink anymore, it reminded me why I dont go out very much.

Funny watching all these fuckers getting more and more drunk as the evening passes. Watching a bloke fall down a very small step, lose what little balance he had and almost rip the dresses of three women as he falls, in slow motion, whilst spraying the lager he mustn't let go of over everyone in a 20' radius.

So anyway, went to M&S and bought a load of 'Party Food' yesterday afternoon.
Bought waaaaaaay too much, but cooked it all anyway and proceeded to try to finish it all off before I went to bed this morning.
Jools Holland was pretty good, shame the hands didn't fall off the clock in the ten seconds leading up to the new decade, but you can't have everything.

Had to have three shits last night, in my quest to eat more than the Romans used to.
I draw the line at self-induced vomiting, that's just sick, and I don't mean that in a good way, like the yoof of today would.
Got some left in the fridge though, that'll probably stay there until it tries to get out under it's own steam.

Just had a thought.
Well I didn't actually have the thought myself, someone else had it and I read it, but it was to do with the whole Christmas/Easter thing in Tesco so I think the person who wrote it nicked my idea (only joking).

The very fact that Tesco have decided to celebrate the crucifixion of Jesus before the poor little blighter has even been weaned is a tad insensitive isn't it?

Blasphemous even?
Ah well, if it means we can eat more chocolate, who really cares?

Got some bets on today and I'm feeling lucky.
I'll let you know later if I'm rich, or of I have just wasted a shit load of money.............


BOLLOCKS BOLLOCKS BOLLOCKS...

Fuck Plymouth fucking Argyle and fuck Charlton fucking Athletic.

Wankers.

This is one of my bets today, complete with results:

Brighton v Leyton Orient ~ home win: Brighton win
Brentford v Dagenham & Redbridge ~ home win: Brentford win
Carlisle v Huddersfield ~ draw: Draw
Hartlepool v Oldham ~ home win: Hartlepool win
MK Dons v Bristol Rovers ~ home win: MK Dons win
Rochdale v Tranmere Rovers ~ home win: Rochdale win
Southampton v Exeter ~ home win: Southampton win
Swindon v Bournemouth ~ away win: Bournemouth win
Walsall v Notts County ~ away win: Notts County win

Plymouth v Yeovil ~ home win: Draw
Colchester v Carlton ~ away win: Draw


If the last two had done the business, I would now be £5675.46 richer.

BASTARDS.............