Monday 20th August 2018

Have you ever seen a flower, tryin' to bloom in a dry barren land
But then comes a sweet spring shower just to lend a helpin' hand

What a weekend!

Thursday evening we saw Bitty McLean and The Skatalites.

Saturday evening we saw Ultimate Earth Wind and Fire and Soul II Soul.

Sunday evening we saw The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra and a firework display.

We also drank a shed load of alcohol.

There was also music on Friday evening, but we were having a rest.

Four nights of music, all for free and all thanks to Newham Council.

We also met the Mayor of Newham, Rokhsana Fiaz. You can tell she is the mayor because she always wears a t-shirt that says "I'm your Mayor of Newham" on it.
I think she has a complex.
She's a bit of a strange one though. We congratulated her on the festival, called Under the Stars by the way, and we congratulated her even though it has been going on for seven years and she has only been mayor for 105 days (as of today) and the first thing she said was "it's not going anywhere".
We didn't ask if it was, we simply said it was a great thing.
A little defensive methinks.

Is that supposed to be Paddington Bear?

I used to like the old mayor, Sir Robin Wales, even if (or maybe because) he was a bit of a pisshead.

A lot of people in Newham didn't like him, but I don't know why.

What I do know is that he got a cheer when he took to the stage at Under the Stars, she didn't. Not really.

Maybe she'll grow on me.

The show itself though is excellent.
You can take food and drink into the park, you have to take a swig if you have an opened container to prove it's not acid, and you can't take glass in, but that's OK.
We took chilled white wine in a thermos flask on the Thursday and Saturday but on the Sunday, as it was the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, we took a flask of Gin & Tonic.

They also check your bags, but do it with a smile so you don't feel violated.

Wednesday 8th August 2018

Someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm. I know, it's been comin' for some time. When it's over, so they say, it'll rain a sunny day. I know, shinin' down like water.

The company I work for works for a company that works for a company that is holding a hog roast tomorrow.
Unfortunately, tomorrow is the only day in gawd knows how long when the Met Office (and others) have forecast heavy rain. All day.

It is a celebration to celebrate the wondrous achievment of working for two million man hours without reporting a reportable accident.

Don't pay the ferryman

Still, we're not made of sugar. We'll not dissolve.
However I suppose if it rains hard enough, like proper pisses down, then it may put a dampener on the hog roast. Which will be a shame. All those hungry workers expecting a bit of tasty cooked pig flesh. Nice bit of crackling.
Even if the fires go out, it won't save the pig I suppose. Too late for that poor creature.

I'm using the singular here. How many mouths will one pig feed?
And I don't mean a mummy pig feeding her cute little piglettos. I guess she would only be governed by how many teats she has. And how much milk she produces I suppose.

No, I'm talking about how many hairy arsed construction workers a dead hog will provide it's flesh for.
The reason I'm asking this is that there must be around 600 people working on the job, and not all of them will be non meat eating hypocrites like myslef.
It's gonna have to be a fucking big pig to feed 'em all!

This might do it.....

Maybe they will surprise everyone and have several hogs and several roasts, a multiple hog roast, an orgy of spit roasting action, if you will.

Which reminds me of a bloke I used to work with. Now I may have told this story before, so bear with me and offer forgiveness if I have, but I can't be arsed to go back in time to check.
Anyhoo, this bloke, who I shall call Mike* for no other reason than that was his name, had a young daughter. His daughter I shall call Tammy*, for no other reason then that was her name (possibly).
Mike* had the opportunity to purchase a hog roast kit, for want of a betterer description. He saw it as an opportunity to make a little extra cash on the side, at weekends et cetera.
He also thought it would be a nice idea to name his new venture after his 14 year old daughter.

John D'Oh Likes.....

The next thing we knew we had fliers appear at work advertising Tammy's* Spit Roast Services.
I kid you not. Only local mind you, so you had to live near Worksop*.
Being the non-meat eating hypocritically fish munching fellow I am, I never had the dubious sounding pleasure some sampling any of Tammy's* Spit Roasting Services. I'm not even sure how long the ill-named venture lasted.
Maybe Mike* was arrested, as I didn't really hear much about him after that.

Did you see the news today?
God it's depressing isn't it. We have that foppy haired cunt, Boris Johnson, refusing to apologise for sticking up for Muslim women's rights to wear or not wear a burka or niqab by calling them post boxes and saying they look like bank robbers.

I wonder if he actually knows the difference between a burka and a niqab, or a hijab for that matter.
I'd like to see him in a burka, a proper one with a veil. A very dark veil. A veil made of steel mesh. With high voltage electric running through it.
That would make his hair stand up.

Of course I'm joking about Boris. I wouldn't really like any real harm to come to the jolly old bumbling buffoon. I mean, he's just showing his British sense of humour isn't he?!?
I'm sure he will apologise, once he returns from his European holiday.
I don't know if he always has European holidays, or he is just getting one last one in before it's infinitley more difficult to get into Europe.
Or anywhere off mainland Britain for that matter.

Anyways, enough of all this maudlin shit, I'm off to stock up on tinned fish.
And maybe a can of beans or three.....









*some names and places may, or may not, have been changed or altered to protect the innocent, guilty, either/neither or both.

Monday 6th August 2018

Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes.......

Well fuck me each and every way.
Where did that all go and how did we get here?

What's the betting that the (very) few people that used to read this are not now reading it?
The only way I'll find that out is if you tell me.
Go on, you know you want to, if you used to read this when I used to write it, then leave me a comment.
Say whatever you want, you don't have to say "I used to read this and I'm reading it now".
That would be a bit shit as you would be copying me, just leave a comment, say anything. The more random the betterer.
In fact, the most random will win a prize.*

So, don't you just fucking well hate it when people start all their sentences with the word so?

It's August 2018.
The last post I wrote was December 23rd 2015, a Wednesday.
Shit me.

Hasn't the world become a really shit place?
It's laughable really.

Praying for time.....?

So much has gone on since December 23rd 2015, and this is a sentence that needs to start with the word so, because so much has gone on.
If you think about it, I bet you cannot remember what you were doing on the 23rd December 2015. Can you even remember what day it was?
If you can't you are a proper cunt as I have just told you.

Anyhoo, I know what I was doing. I was writing about caffeine shampoo.
Still think it is a shit idea, especially with the price of coffee these days.
Funny how people moan about fuel being £1.30 a litre but they are more than happy to go to Starbucks and spend over three quid for half a litre of watered down coffee. It won't get you so far either. You may walk a bit quicker after it, but that's about it, petrol will get you further.
Or farther.
Oh Father save me.
Godinheavenhelpme.

August.
Named after Augustus Caesar, the first Roman Emperor.
He was Julius' grandnephew and became emperor after defeating Marc Anthony and Cleo.
Julius already had July, so he wasn't bothered (he was probably dead by this time anyways).

And how much different is the world today than it was back then, in 12BC?
Well it's probably fucking hotter now, but that's another story.......


*this may be a lie.

Wednesday 23rd December 2015

Caffeine Shampoo.

What the fuck is that all about?
You may as well just pour coffee on your head, surely?
Cold coffee though. Hot coffee would burn your scalp and then you'd have to sue yoursen.

They say you have to hurry cause it's moving fast.
I should think so. It's full of caffeine.

Monday 4th May 2015

It's the 4th of May.

T'interweb has been inundated with all sorts of Star Wars shit, but as I'm not a sad cunt I'll not go there.

Just watched the film Lucy.
What a crock of shit that is.
If you've not seen it then I'll not ruin it for you other to say that I have just wasted an hour and a half of my life that I'll never ever get back.
I also wasted £6.99 of my hard earned cash, but that's a different moan for another day.

Can't believe the last time I wrote on here was 14th February.
Valentine's day, if you're that way inclined.
Another bastard waste of money.

I drove from South Yorkshire to East London this evening.
Driving down the A1 I saw signs that told me that there were delays on the M11, between junctions 9 and 10.
Plenty of time to clear, I thought.

A14 was OK. Weather was a bit shit, rain and cloud.
When I left South Yorkshire the sun was out. I'm wearing shorts, it was that fucking warm.
Get south of Grantham and the weather's shit.
Who said that it's grim up north?

Anyhoo, hit the M11 and sure enough all the fucking 50mph signs are lit up.
I'm sure they do it just to fuck people off.
The traffic got a bit heavy and so I was bracing myslef for a huge delay.
You know, trying to pretend to myself that there's nothing you can do about it so you may as well just sit there all calm like when really you just want to punch some fucker and scream CUNTS at the top of your voice.

Before too long I could see blue flashing lights in the distance.
Traffic on my side slowed down but I noticed that the opposite carriage was still free flowing.
Which is fucking typical.

As I got closer to the flashing lights I saw it was two police vehicles, on the hard shoulder, on the opposite bastard side.

The entire fucking hold up was people heading south east rubber-necking what was going on but the people heading away from London couldn't give a toss.

I suppose they are used to it.

If course I didn't look to see what was going on but I did notice that one of the vehicles was the armed police.

I hope some cunt got shot.............

Saturday 14th February pt2

‎We're in Wetherspoons, slumming it again but hey; the beer is cheap, and I had to climb the many stairs to go to the little boy's room. 

It ain't that little and men use it, but that's not the point. 

There was a bloke in there standing at one of the stones having a wee and sending a text on his mobile phone. 

What a cunt. 

But what is worse is that he had a very old flip phone, one of those with a tiny little screen and only a numerical key pad so you have to press each button multiple times to get the letter you want. 

All I could hear was beep beep beep beep as he pressed the keypad. 

So matey, you a a proper cunt, and I'll explain why. 

You're a cunt for using your phone whilst having a piss. 

You're a cunt for using your phone while I'm having a piss. 

You're a cunt for having a phone that is from the Ark. 

You're a cunt for leaving the keypad tones on and making all those beeping noises. 

All in all, you're a proper cunt...............

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Saturday 14th February 2015

‎Do you know what I hate, what really fucking annoys me?

Quite a lot really, but I'm talking about something in particular. 

People who walk on the right when the signs say "Keep Left" and people who stand on the left side of an escalator. 

I'm primarily talking about train and tube stations I suppose, and obviously the tube stations are in London but the train stations are everywhere, and in particular in-between the tube stations at places like Bank, Kings Cross etc, where you need to keep left for a reason. 

To stop all the fucking idiots rushing around everywhere and colliding into each other. 

I often travel from East London to Doncaster on a Wednesday afternoon. 

For those of you who have never left your village, or even your street, then stop reading now cause there will be all sorts of words you don't really understand, like train and tube and DLR. 

The Docklands Light Railway, for those who don't know, is a very slow moving roller coaster that goes round the east of London without drivers. Or maybe midget drivers, as once reported on www.thespoof.co.uk

Anyhoo, I go from East India, which is a DLR station not part of a fuck off great big country, ‎to Bank, which is a large, multi-platform station where you can travel on many underground lines as well as the DLR and not somewhere to deposit or withdraw money. 

Fuck me longways people, keep up, do I have to explain everything?

From now on, if you don't understand something the Google the fucker. 

Bank, as I just said, is a large station and you have to walk about a bit to get from platform to platform. 

You have to use escalators. 

Many many other people are doing the same thing. 

I then catch the Northern line to King's Cross which also involves a bit of a walk about‎ and more escalating. 

I don't have a lot of time to do all this and have to (a) walk quickly and (b) walk up and down the escalators. 

So my fucking point is, keep to the bastard left whilst walking around the corridors and stand on the bastard right on the escalator to allow people to walk up the left.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.